In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

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Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

I'll be 65 in a month's time. I'm sick of rude, ignorant and bigoted behaviour being passed off on MN as "oh it's generational/ just older people"

It's patronising for starters as it assumes anyone born before the date a poster thinks of as "old" is incapable of learning or keeping up.

Exactly this. My grandmothers, who would both be over 100 if they were still alive, were shocked when I turned vegetarian. They both tried the “Don’t you want some of the lovely chicken? Are you suuuuuure? It’s niiiiice” routine for a while. But once they knew I was sticking with it, they just stopped serving me meat. They made sure they had something I could eat, even if I just got more of my favourite veg on the roast to make up for a lack of meat.

If women who were born in the 20s and lived through a world war and rationing can get their heads around it, then I’m sure someone in their 60s can understand the simple words “no meat”.

The argument is ridiculous. I'm sure OP would not cook something for her in laws that she knew they couldn't eat or didn't like. It's common courtesy.

Ha ha Oxford isn’t doing well on this thread

Thanks for challenging attitudes including ageism on here (I thought that was highlighted as well with lack of support for Waspis) - meanwhile why aren’t we calling for wealthy business owners who profited from gov loans to sell a house or two to repay debts (cough, Middletons).

Sorry that was a bit of a deviation from serving veggie M&S potatoes versus the ones cooked in goose fat

I'm in my 70s, I've been a vegetarian since I was 18. It was hard in those days, everything had to be cooked from scratch, it's easy now, just pick something up from the freezer or fridge section and put it in the microwave. No excuse not to feed someone who is a guest.

I think the reactions here to comments that not every generation ( or indeed every individual) is going to have the same responses to dietary choices, and that all differing attitudes deserve respect , are a further example of respect not being allowed to cut two ways.

My parents ( and IL’s ) grew up with parents who remembered rationing. That absolutely shaped their attitudes to food and left my grandparents with completely different attitudes compared with ( for eg) my SIL who is perfectly happy to bin an avocado that has a few stringy bits in it. My grandmother would have picked through it and taken the softer flesh out. It was nothing to do with her not being intelligent or even that she cannot now adapt or “ educate” herself to the fact that there are more avocados piled up at the supermarket. She totally understood that we exist now in a world of plenty in a way that she didn’t. But those war years gave her a gratitude for the intrinsic value of food in a way that is much harder for my generation to fully appreciate. Yes, sometimes as children my cousins and I would kick each other under the table when leftovers got trotted out again. But these were my grandmother’s values. She wasn’t short of grey matter and was in fact exceedingly well educated. It is just that the idea of rejecting food - especially meat and other items which had been rationed - was contrary to her value system. She had beliefs just in the way that vegetarians have beliefs about not eating meat and my point was simply that I don’t believe a respectful attitude to others allows beliefs to be dismissed as “ needing to educate themselves ” simply because they do not accord with those you prefer. My parents were not as strongly influenced by this mindset, but still more so than I am and it is a mindset that simply doesn’t buy into the idea of a need to be overly careful about what is consumed. It has nothing to do with them being unable to buy a book about the beliefs of vegetarians and manage to read it, or being inflexible or too old or any other clap trap designed to derail the argument so that only one view is able to be taken into consideration as informed or respectful.

"Why does it need to be a competition? Surely a good host wants to make their guests comfortable. “If it’s not an allergy, I’m not interested” is a pretty dismissive and unpleasant attitude."

Wow @HottChocolateNotCocoa, missing the point completely. A vegetarian/vegan can eat veg etc that's been touched by meat (they can pick the pancetta out from the peas) and suffer no ill effects. For them it's a choice, a preference, not a clinical need

I am sorry. It's so frustrating and passive aggressive when this happens. My Mil sends or presents us with gifts of chocolates everytime we see her. All have hazelnut in. I am allergic to hazelnuts..... I am trying to never see her again.

I have a family member who regularly serves up food they know their guests don't eat - and then complain if said guests eat a bigger portion of the sides as a result. Absolutely bonkers.

I don’t think a vegetarian should have to pick pancetta out of their peas, @MarvellousMonsters. Yes, a bit of bacon flavour might not harm them, but they don’t like it or want to taste it, so why should they have to?

When I cook for someone, I want them to enjoy the meal - I don’t want them to have to put up with flavours they hate because I can’t be bothered to cook food that they will enjoy eating.

I’m not missing the point at all. I am well aware of the difference between a dietary choice and a clinical need. My point is that a good host - hell, just a decent person - should aspire to a little more than “Oh well, it’s not like a bit of meat will kill them”.

If you don’t want better than that for yourself or others, frankly I pity you.

She had beliefs just in the way that vegetarians have beliefs about not eating meat and my point was simply that I don’t believe a respectful attitude to others allows beliefs to be dismissed as “ needing to educate themselves ” simply because they do not accord with those you prefer.

Well if you’re the kind of person who thinks “I’ll serve up what I like and it’s tough luck”, I a) very much DO believe you need to educate yourself and b) will not have a respectful attitude towards you.

It's very rude on their part to invite you to eat and serve something you can't eat. It's basic hospitality. And not hard.

If you rocked up after 15 years of tucking into a full.roast and suddenly announced it ...that's different.

Can't imagine not taking daughter's dietary needs into consideration

My MIL hates fish...I'm not going to cook her fish.

Your dh should step up though too. Thanks for inviting us but wife can't eat the food we will eat on the way.

When I cook for someone, I want them to enjoy the meal

Yes, me too. I honestly don't like the idea that anyone who eats in my house might feel like their food is an afterthought. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate - vegetarian food with some element of protein and not just a pile of 'leftover' potatoes and vegetables.

Oh come off it. Rationing finished 70 years ago.

And yet vegetarians consider themselves and demand to be special needs.

They can't join in - especially a familly gathering - without rearing their special needs.

Nope - every item that might pass their lips - exasperated sigh from host or special needs guest! Because it's not food to feed the get-together. The irritant vegetarian/vegan wants to launch into why the food is unsuitable.

The host provides food as a background for a social get-together - with the expectation that the social group socialises over a common bond.

But the vegetarian has not brought their own food. Instead of conversation, the vegetarian is stuck at gate one, whether they will or will not join in for social engagement.

Because the special needs eater is so absorbed in their own needs - they cannot see a bigger social picture and just join in.

Just freaking bring your own food - and if people like you, they will work with you to accommodate your special needs.

Bring your own food and explain that you do not eat meat or anything cooked in meat. That might just get the message across to them. Same thing used to happen to me when I did not eat meat, would go to sil and would be only a meat dish and I only had salad to eat.

Indeed it did.

That’s when my grandparents were forming their attitudes around food. I still pull myself up at times by harking back to their values.

Actually cost of living crisis might revive some of those attitudes.

@OldPerson Yes, we get it, you don't like vegetarians. 🙄

So far as cost of living, pasta, lentils, tinned and dried beans and most vegetables are cheaper than a roast.

Sorry, but "rationing" is not a rational argument for refusing to cater for a vegetarian guest.

They sound like they are trying to make a point of some kind. My inlaws refused to buy sugar free drinks when we were invited round. I'm type 1 diabetic so had water every time while they had cans of every drink going that had sugar in! Started taking my own and then was branded a snob because I didn't like their drinks!

I’m not sure you’ve followed this argument very closely. You’re just sounding off.

My point was NOT ( scroll back and see for yourself) that the vegetarian guest should not be catered for. Not at all. The point was that calling people thick for not delving into the vegetarian credentials of gelatine and other forays into the world of vegetarianism that have been suggested as pre-requisites of being educated on this thread are an example of one-way respect.

But why do you think people who rant against vegetarians daring to point out that they can’t eat gelatine deserve “respect”?

I was one of the people who said you’d have to be thick to not know what gelatine is. I stand by it. (Particularly as the poster who threw a strop at the vegetarian pointing out her “harmless jelly” wasn’t harmless claims she graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in the world.)

delving into the vegetarian credentials of gelatine and other forays into the world of vegetarianism

Such hyperbole. How is it possible to be an actual grown up in 2024 and not work out that even if you haven't got the faintest clue what tofu is that a packet of pasta and a tub of supermarket tomato sauce will make a vegan meal and a vegetarian meal if you grate some cheese over it. If even that is beyond you , all supermarkets sell prepared vegetarian dishes, or a basic pizza Margherita

As for gelatine - that's basic general knowledge.

Did you graduate from Oxford?!

It’s common to be anti food waste, not unique or even ubiquitous to those who experienced rationing.

These are convenience foods from M&S and OP is treading on egg shells afraid to even bring along a few M&S non duck fat roasties.