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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby rarely cries and I was told he’s autistic

162 replies

Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 00:47

My baby rarely cries and is four months old. His auntie has just said that’s a sign of autism. She’s studying psychology at uni.

If baby does cry I can usually get it sorted (food, wind, cuddle).

Aibu in thinking that she’s unreasonable making such sweeping statements.

i have googled it and it appears to be true :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:12

Pieceofpurplesky · 01/04/2024 01:10

@Bigbenbube DS was not a crier. He would look at me - just look. As soon as he could function like a human he was putting things together in colour order.
Yes he was on the spectrum but at 20 he is now a fabulous, quirky and brilliant human who is studying his passions at university.

Your DC will be what he is and be amazing. Enjoy him, quirks and all

Do you mean never cried or just not a crier?

I do need to make piece if he is autistic (or anything else). I do find being a parent hard and I am getting help with my bondz

OP posts:
VivienneDelacroix · 01/04/2024 01:12

I have three children.

DC1 cried for hours and hours at a time - he's now diagnosed as autistic.

DC2 very rarely cried, he was so so quiet, but HV said that he didn't need to cry as his needs were being met. No diagnosis.

DC3 cried slightly less than DC1 but much more than DC2. She is diagnosed as autistic.

So no, not crying is not a sign of autism in a young baby. Perhaps not crying out for help in a toddler - potentially, but please don't worry. Enjoy your baby and tell his auntie that she is a student because she is learning.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 01/04/2024 01:14

My youngest son cried all the time. My older two never cried anywhere near as much. My youngest son, the crier, is my only son with Autism

Your sons auntie is crazy

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:18

VivienneDelacroix · 01/04/2024 01:12

I have three children.

DC1 cried for hours and hours at a time - he's now diagnosed as autistic.

DC2 very rarely cried, he was so so quiet, but HV said that he didn't need to cry as his needs were being met. No diagnosis.

DC3 cried slightly less than DC1 but much more than DC2. She is diagnosed as autistic.

So no, not crying is not a sign of autism in a young baby. Perhaps not crying out for help in a toddler - potentially, but please don't worry. Enjoy your baby and tell his auntie that she is a student because she is learning.

Thank you.

i hope your child and yourself are getting support

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 01/04/2024 01:20

Janedoe82 · 01/04/2024 00:54

My second child was very settled and rarely cried. Doesn’t have autism. Was just an easy baby.

Same here

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:20

Nori10 · 01/04/2024 01:10

Sounds like you have a contented baby! Just enjoy it. I hate that this worry has been put upon you. It's not something you can control anyway and most likely, it's not even anything you need to worry about. Both of mine were contented babies btw.

I think he knows I couldn’t handle anything more.

Looking back there have been times he’s been crying and I’ve called my parents in floods of tears, but I think that’s tiredness making everything worse.

im just worried about my bond as well. And rejecting him.

OP posts:
fedupandstuck · 01/04/2024 01:21

Nothing you describe sounds unusual for. 4 month old. Don't let one stupid comment knock your confidence. Keep doing all the talking, smiling, singing, holding, interacting as you've been doing.

There's no point worrying about any possible future diagnosis of anything. Your baby is developing normally right now and you have no issues with his development. So, nothing to diagnose, no issues that need addressing, no symptoms that need handling. Nothing to be concerned about.

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:21

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 01/04/2024 01:14

My youngest son cried all the time. My older two never cried anywhere near as much. My youngest son, the crier, is my only son with Autism

Your sons auntie is crazy

It would seem a crying baby is more an indicator… which goes against some of what I’ve read. But you can literally find anything online…. And I need to remind myself.

OP posts:
tiredinoratia · 01/04/2024 01:21

She might be studying psychology but she certainly won't make a good Psychologist making statements like that! What a 'know it all' comment to make without thinking about the ramifications of her words and uninvited opinion. What a dick move on her part. Psychology undergraduates are insufferable. It think they should be taught ethics and application before acadmic content (edited for typo).

crumblingschools · 01/04/2024 01:22

Have you spoken to your health visitor about how you are feeling? Do you have PND?

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:22

fedupandstuck · 01/04/2024 01:21

Nothing you describe sounds unusual for. 4 month old. Don't let one stupid comment knock your confidence. Keep doing all the talking, smiling, singing, holding, interacting as you've been doing.

There's no point worrying about any possible future diagnosis of anything. Your baby is developing normally right now and you have no issues with his development. So, nothing to diagnose, no issues that need addressing, no symptoms that need handling. Nothing to be concerned about.

Thanks.

how much interacting do I need to do?

like I’m not going to leave him to watch tv all day but I also have to run a house and don’t have anyone else to interact with him….

OP posts:
DFO · 01/04/2024 01:23

If your baby has autism, they have it, but at 4 months, no one can tell you,
least of all a psychology student going off 1 symptom.

Let you baby develop and if you have any concerns later down the line, speak to a medical professional.

I have 2 children who both never cried much as babies, one has autism and one is NT. There were things from my child’s baby and toddler years which probably were due to autism but were never realised without my child getting older and other things becoming noticeable.

Frozensun · 01/04/2024 01:24

theres a saying - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, which is applicable here. He’s 4 months old. Too young to know. He’s probably just a chilled personality. You say you’re finding it a bit hard - as a general approach - Chat to him as you’re doing things , chat away when he’s in the pram facing you or you’re changing him, read books to him (never too young), sing silly kids songs. Ms Rachel is on you tube and is quite popular now to find some songs. Try to enjoy him. Get his baby checks done, so that a real professional can give you advice and just let/help him develop.

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:25

DFO · 01/04/2024 01:23

If your baby has autism, they have it, but at 4 months, no one can tell you,
least of all a psychology student going off 1 symptom.

Let you baby develop and if you have any concerns later down the line, speak to a medical professional.

I have 2 children who both never cried much as babies, one has autism and one is NT. There were things from my child’s baby and toddler years which probably were due to autism but were never realised without my child getting older and other things becoming noticeable.

Ok thanks.

I fear that I’ll reject my baby and I’m already having a hard time :(

OP posts:
tiredinoratia · 01/04/2024 01:26

He is 4 months old, feed him, love him, change him, talk to him, ensure he gets sleep. Hold him close so his body can regulate against your body. He will learn about the world as being safe and calm by you making it safe and calm. He just needs love right now. Don't get into your head and trust your instincts. Read 'why love matters' by Sue Gerdhart and simply love him.

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:31

Frozensun · 01/04/2024 01:24

theres a saying - a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, which is applicable here. He’s 4 months old. Too young to know. He’s probably just a chilled personality. You say you’re finding it a bit hard - as a general approach - Chat to him as you’re doing things , chat away when he’s in the pram facing you or you’re changing him, read books to him (never too young), sing silly kids songs. Ms Rachel is on you tube and is quite popular now to find some songs. Try to enjoy him. Get his baby checks done, so that a real professional can give you advice and just let/help him develop.

Is there a min number of hours I need to do this? Baby is still in the flat pram due to his age (and him hating tummy time/I rarely do it lol). If he’s awake I do talk to him when shopping (I felt like a basket case when I was doing it at IKEA lol). He’s a little more alert when doing nappy Changes so I can talk to him…. But normally it’s just me saying he has a big bum bum and kissing his 👣 feet.
I do read a book a day to him - usually the classic. also I go to the mirror and have a play with showing him our faces etc.

hard playing with a child and having no adult friends to talk to lol

OP posts:
fedupandstuck · 01/04/2024 01:32

Where's the fear of rejecting your baby coming from? What do you mean by rejecting? What support have you had so far with the PPA (assuming that's post partum anxiety?) - can you contact anyone to discuss how you're feeling?

It's absolutely fine to leave him to kick about and entertain himself whilst you do household tasks. When he can sit up with some support, you can put him in a highchair in whatever room you're in and interact with him whilst you're doing whatever you're doing. It doesn't need to be a big song and dance number, just chit chatting and narrating to him.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/04/2024 01:32

@Bigbenbube Ask away. I knew something was up fairly early because I was an experienced parent. I don't think the crying was a particular indicator of autism but I do think it was a sensory issue. My circumstances at the time with a shouty, partially deaf husband didn't help. There were other issues that were more obvious to me than the crying. My firstborn didn't cry very much, she was a very quiet baby largely. I think it was unhelpful for you to be told it's an indicator. Nobody could possibly know that at this stage. Could you have PND?

Mumoftwo1312 · 01/04/2024 01:37

You sound like you're doing plenty of interaction, op. Things will get easier and more delightful when he starts playing more (around 6-9mo things get more fun iirc). Just hang in there, everything sounds fine!

And maybe just hang out with the auntie a bit less until you're feeling more settled and less anxious.

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:40

fedupandstuck · 01/04/2024 01:32

Where's the fear of rejecting your baby coming from? What do you mean by rejecting? What support have you had so far with the PPA (assuming that's post partum anxiety?) - can you contact anyone to discuss how you're feeling?

It's absolutely fine to leave him to kick about and entertain himself whilst you do household tasks. When he can sit up with some support, you can put him in a highchair in whatever room you're in and interact with him whilst you're doing whatever you're doing. It doesn't need to be a big song and dance number, just chit chatting and narrating to him.

The perinatal team have released me back to the gp.

I’ve had a lot of feelings of rejecting my baby: I’m on the wait list for psychology service for family bonding.

I do care about him and not putting in harm, but at the same time I have thoughts he would be better adopted and that I’m not good enough. Autism or a disability has been no my mind. Katie price although she’s not a role model in alot or aspects, so do hope I have as much love s she does for Harvey

OP posts:
Bex268 · 01/04/2024 01:41

@Janedoe82 seriously?! I have an autistic child and I hugged him, sang to him, read to him, did all you’re supposed to. He just has a different neurotype and nothing was ever going to change that.

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:41

Sorry my phone keeps on freezing the box to type my response and I couldn’t proof read

OP posts:
Bex268 · 01/04/2024 01:45

Oh and for OP my child as a baby was neither one way or the other. He wasn’t a massive cryer but he could definitely cry when things weren’t quite going his way, as is typical. He still very much has the same lovely calm temperament now (unless somethings distressed him). Most friends I have with autistic children had intense cryers whereas mine wasn’t too much of an issue in that area. At four months, looking back, there were indicators - crying was not one of them. I was fairly sure by eight months old though as there was never any joint attention.

Original poster
Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:45

Mumoftwo1312 · 01/04/2024 01:37

You sound like you're doing plenty of interaction, op. Things will get easier and more delightful when he starts playing more (around 6-9mo things get more fun iirc). Just hang in there, everything sounds fine!

And maybe just hang out with the auntie a bit less until you're feeling more settled and less anxious.

I’ve started to do more…. Just hard being by myself and it’s all new to me/

OP posts:
Frozensun · 01/04/2024 01:46

Bigbenbube · 01/04/2024 01:31

Is there a min number of hours I need to do this? Baby is still in the flat pram due to his age (and him hating tummy time/I rarely do it lol). If he’s awake I do talk to him when shopping (I felt like a basket case when I was doing it at IKEA lol). He’s a little more alert when doing nappy Changes so I can talk to him…. But normally it’s just me saying he has a big bum bum and kissing his 👣 feet.
I do read a book a day to him - usually the classic. also I go to the mirror and have a play with showing him our faces etc.

hard playing with a child and having no adult friends to talk to lol

Show quote history

No minimum - or maximum. But, you don’t have constantly interact every moment he’s awake. Put him under an arch and hang sparkly stuff with string, sit outside and listen to the birds. Sit out the front and look at the cars.

Chat away about anything. He hears your voice, he knows you’re close and it helps his brain development. No-one thinks twice about it if you’ve got a young child, so there’s no basket case about it. Young children’s rhymes and books have a sing song cadence, which is good for language development. Are there any mum’s groups close? Or a library that does infants/toddler’s rhyme time?