DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

Jesus this is horrifying. That boy is old enough to know not to harm an animal.It is not your fault OP. I would keep that boy away from my child. I would also respond to the mother that you feel it deeply inappropriate that she is seeking to replace a pet as that doesn’t set a good example to either child.

So sorry about your son & his little hamster.

I've had many hamsters over the years, been bitten by them & yes, have accidentally dropped them on occasion.

I'm guessing he must have flung her with some degree of force, because mine have never come to any harm even if they've taken a flying leap suddenly from my cupped hands when I've been stood up.

Definitely a 'friendship' that is best distanced from if they showed no remorse- I lost one of my rats in a freak accident in her cage- it's tall & has multiple fall breaks throughout but she missed every one & fatally hit one of their wooden floor toys, I was devastated.

That kid is not normal and I wouldn't want him anywhere near my child! He's 11 and that's animal abuse/cruelty right there with no sign of remorse or compassion. If I was his mum I'd be getting him straight to a psychiatrist to get all the help he needs before he turns his aggression towards his peers. As a pp said he's clearly a sociopath and at his age knows better than to react that way. It's one thing trying to shake an animal off your finger but throwing it across the room is entirely another level.
Trust your son's judgement on this one. He can make better friends.

I agree that your son is right to end the friendship. Support him in this OP! This kid sounds horrible and won't be a good friend to your son.

I think this update, and the fact that your username calls it an accident, puts quite a different spin on it to the interpretation of many posters. He reacted to pain. I'm sorry to say but I don't think you should have let him handle a hamster that bites. I'm still really sorry for your son, and for you, but I don't think it is fair to blame this boy.

I did the same once with my own hamster, can't remember my age but I loved her and was always gentle with her, it was just shock/reflex. She was absolutely fine, landed on my bed luckily, but I felt awful!

You can't assume it was done through anger/aggression.

Reaction afterwards is different but you'd need to be there to judge that I think.

It's been a few years since my youngest was eleven but surely that is old enough to know that throwing a hamster is just not on.

I think validating your son's feelings is the most important thing. Saying it was an accident isn't sitting right with me as I feel he should have know that dropping the hamster would cause it pain.

I would have been more positive disposed to the child if they were immediately apologetic.

I think the mum offering to buy another one isn't that bad. How many parents replace a dead goldfish/ hamster without telling the DC they died while they were at school.

Poor Hamster. RIP.

I don’t think the hamster was latched on from that description. The OP said that hamster ‘nipped him’ which to me implies it was just a nip.

I'm so sorry for you, your son, and your poor Hamster.
I have 2 sister hamsters myself i got in december so not much older than your girl, and whilst one is super gentle, the other bites because she wants to be free exploring and not held. She doesn't just nip, she full on bites down hard and holds on too.
Even with 8 years of hamster ownership, i can still get shocked when not expecting a bite, and i have to fight against that instinct to pull your hand away/shake the hamster off to make sure i don't hurt her.

It is absolutely NOT your fault to have trusted an 11 year old not to throw her across the room in response to a nip. That was not a normal response for anyone of any age being nipped, and i'm shocked at his mothers response not to have given him an immediate bollocking!

Honestly if he was 13 i would have reported him to the police for animal abuse, even at his current age he's past criminal responsibility, and definitely old enough to know what he did was cruel and unacceptable, and would result in atleast a hurt hamster. Infact, given the hamster has died from his abuse i would probably contact 101 about it for their advice on if its something you can report, given his complete lack of care or remorse.

OP was the hamster actually latched on to his finger.

I'd support DS in what he decides, and tbh I wouldn't want that child anywhere near my family (or pets) for a while. An a11 year old should definitely know not to throw a hamster across the room - I was bitten by a hamster when I was 8, I was upset at how sore it was but even at that age I knew that the hamster was just doing what hamsters do. Your poor son, and the poor hamster too.

The OP says the boy is known to behave aggressively towards a sibling, she describes him as having difficulty controlling himself and says he was angry that the hamster bit him and showed no concern for the hamster after the event.

Other posters have noted that a shocked reaction followed by remorse would be less worrying.

The connection between children harming animals and violent psychopathic behaviour as adults is well documented. That does not mean this will be the case for this particular child but it is a cause for concern. OP's priority should be protecting her own child.

I don’t think she was latched on no. As I said, she didn’t draw blood so I don’t think she could have really dug her teeth in.

Your son’s reaction is being true to his feelings and should be respected and supported. He should know that when he is hurt either physically or emotionally he has the right to draw a boundary and enforce it.
Poor chap, I expect he’s feeling it’s his fault.

They are both Year 6. So 11. That's what OP has said.

I do get annoyed by the "year whatever" thing on MN, it's meaningless to anyone outside England and leads to confusion. Just say their ages. I'm Scottish and have to take a moment to work out what age it means as our system is different.

Agreed.
My friend had a rescued squirrel that bit me hard on the finger - similar age- I just put him back in his large cage, despite bleeding- wouldn’t have just dropped him.
@HamsterAccident This boy sounds horrible.
Hamsters bite- especially strangers.
Poor son and poor hamster .

Thats awful for you and your ds to witness

you were not to blame I can accept children to react but the lack of remorse is concerning and I am sure his mother will be concerning

it doesn’t help calling the boy a sociopath (not you op) he may be from a family that there is a lot of physical rough play and what is seen as weak emotions are surprised - we don’t know but does not sound like your ds will want to be friends with him

don’t blame yourself you are in shock and trying to make sense of what happened you are allowed to feel fragile

@FOJN absolutely!

OP I think your initial reactions have been spot on so far. Going on from here, I'd be inclined to wait and see first how DS wants to play it, and then how friend and friend's mum act. If friend shows genuine remorse once he has processed what happened, I'd be inclined to give him a second chance IF DS wants to.
But I wasn't there, you were. Maybe that impulsive streak is always there and you could never trust the boy again. You probably have a gut feeling about what happened. Don't ignore it.

In that case I’d say your son is right to end the friendship.

Not killing a friends pet, no.

Jesus Christ- the child is not normal. Shaking her off in pain is different to flinging her across the room. If I was his Mum I would offer a new hamster but also with sincere apologies that my child would be punished and talked to. Still knowing she can’t be replaced but it would be a start to build bridges.

For context, my 11(then 10) year old ‘accidentally’ let a wild ferret into our house. He kept jumping up and biting him but he just ran away, never once kicking etc. There were even brushes nearby he could have scared him off with but he wouldn’t have hurt him… he just knew not to injure him and animals sometimes nip!

Listen to your son, he is grieving for his pet and his friendship. AND don’t feel guilty- 11 years old is way old enough to know how to treat animals. This isn’t your fault x

Agree!!! It didn’t even draw blood! Keep well away from this kid.

@IWasAimingForTheSky

are you actually being serious?

Was the title really not enough of a warning?

I think that's a really odd response from the mum.

if it were me I'd have been so, so apologetic. I would say that although he was nipped he overreacted and his overreaction has had terrible consequences which I know would impact your child very seriously.

Then I would have a long talk with my DS, explain that although it was an accident that doesn't mean that there aren't consequences, and how absolutely awful the other child would be feeling. I would probably insist that my child write a letter to your child or something similar.