DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

@greybay it's not one incident, though. To quote OP, "friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling". She thinks it's an accident. I wouldn't give the kid that much benefit of the doubt after he'd killed an animal and said what he did.

The state of some people 🙄 worried about the reputation of a rodent over that of a child. Calling this boy a sociopathic murderer is ridiculous and uncalled for.

@Phial I hope you never have any animals.

I think it's interesting how the tiny minority of people who would also act in this manner, don't even consider that there might be something wrong with themselves either. It is really not normal or healthy to lash out like that.

I actually do, what is your problem with my comment?

I disagree. I think shaking off something that's biting you is a very natural response. If you're used to animals you may expect the odd nip and hence temper your response. But this boy is young, may be very inexperienced around animals and clearly wasn't expecting to be hurt.

React in what manner? Reflexively from pain?
I rather consider calling a child a psychopath for doing so to be the abnormal reaction.

There is a clear difference between a natural reflex to an apparent nip that didn’t even leave a mark and what happened here, even leaving aside the lack of remorse and swearing at the dying pet in front of OP’s son at a very distressing time. There is also a history of inappropriate aggression with the boy’s sibling. Imagine the carnage if every shock reflex resulted in this kind of behaviour! This boy is practically secondary age. Perhaps check the definition of shock reflex before characterising this behaviour as normal.

Ime animals are a good judge of character
. Sadly poor hamster paid a terrible price.... That lad is def a wrong un... I knew a lad who did atrocious things to garden wildlife from a young age. Was in prison at 16. Been in and out since. Now 36...I actually moved when he was throwing knives at my ddogs...

Well absolutely because you're protecting the local wildlife by doing that, thank you 💐

I don't have pets in cages or pass them round like a toy.

A reflexively that is violent, yes. Flinging it aggressively across the room instead of shaking it off or withdrawing the hand. Getting disproportionately angry at a small animal.

If someone steps on your foot, do you fling them across the room? Or do you just pull your foot away? If your child nips you on the arm, do you fling them across the room and call them a "fucking thing"? Or do you just knock their hand away?

I hope you don't react by assaulting adults or hurting children. So why do you react differently with animals?

@HollyKnight - 100% agree and as for the vet who did the same thing 😱 not sure he chose the right career!!

@CaptainMyCaptain I suggested neither that the OP's son's feelings should be invalidated or that he should be encouraged continue the friendship.
"....it's not a natural response to pain. Not to me and I've had all kinds of animals" Actually it is, if you picked up a red hot poker you would drop it without even thinking, almost instantaneously.
You are an adult who can use your experience of having been repeatedly bitten to avoid bites, brace yourself for a possible bite and use a strategy to end the bite or prevent more. This was a 6 year old child who was totally unprepared.

This was NOT a 6 year old child . . . . it has been clarified repeatedly that the child was a YEAR SIX PUPIL so he is 11 years old . . . . . .

@thankyouforthedayz - it’s been explained numerous times that it is a YEAR 6 child - ie 10 or 11, not a 6 year old. Also yes, a natural response to picking up a red hot poked is to drop it, not hurl it across the room!!

No the child is 11 years old. In Year 6. Dropping is one thing, standing flinging and calling it a fucker as it is lying there dying is quite another.

I absolutely would fling my hand away and swear. Also, a rodent is not a child.

@HamsterAccident
You're probably best off ignoring comments from posters like @ageratum1 and not responding - it's long bank holiday weekend and some people are probably bored. Your measured and logical defence is just wasted on people like this.

I hope that your son is ok. This is a traumatic event for him and he needs you to support his wishes. I can see why you're in a quandary about what to do. The boy's mother minimised the event which is the reason why you feel hesitant to accept your son's wish to cut his friend off - it makes you think that your son's reaction is an overreaction. I strongly suspect that this boy's home/life is very troubled indeed and the family are very used to 'smoothing things over' internally at home and externally out of home. You and your family should cut contact as trying to be generous in forgiveness or being the bigger person could lead to misery for your child.
I studied tens & tens of similar type cases for a thesis and found that a large majority of children who lacked empathy or committed random acts of violence against animals/weaker people went on to troubled adulthoods very often enabled by parents. I also personally know a family where the son started exerting control over the household at about 8yrs and the parents reaction was to minimise and capitulate. He's now a hugely damaged young adult who has never finished his education and is still terrorising his parents having driven his siblings from the family home. At 12 he pushed a friend's dog off of a terrace causing it to fall about 15' breaking it's leg and jaw. The parents just didn't react and carried on as normal despite people witnessing the act - the boy just said that it wouldn't sit for him and that it was a f**king useless dog. The parents just said that they would pay the vet's bill - like their son had broken a window or such. He's now a deeply unpleasant adult and everyone spent the last 15yrs dreading the words "I want...." coming out of his mouth. This family actually had to get rid of their own pets before he was 12 and his parents have spent a small fortune on therapy for him which has no effect other than to be a form entertainment for him. I'm not saying that your DC's 'friend' is like this or will be like this but your posts made me shiver in a not pleasant way because I read similar cases.

Exactly. It's not just a pain response, then, is it? It's also how you see the source of the pain. You reflexively wouldn't hurt a child, but you would be fine with hurting an animal.

For some reason your disgusting view of animals is ok by Mumsnet standards as I keep being deleted. Probably your children are just like you

Mumsnet you are validating animal abuse by allowing these sympathisers posts to stand

It's awful. My grumpy cat once hooked himself in the back of the vet's hand. Right through the glove. The vet hissed under his breath, then calmly removed the claw from his hand. There was no yelling, or throwing, or animals put at risk at all.