DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

No way would my child be allowed to be friends with someone that behaved like that. The mother does not sound normal either saying she would replace the hamster. I would tell the school as they may feel they should refer to social services.

"DS’s friend killed his hamster" wasn't clear enough for you?

Well if you think about it most psychopaths start off killing and torturing animals. I wouldnt let this kid near my DS ever again.

Poor little Hamster, im not surprised your DS is so upset. Why are you blaming yourself. This is quite shocking to be honest.

Yes, I’ve read them. Op said ‘he stood up and flung his arm wide and she flew off and hit the floor.’ Which is basically exactly what I did in the same, accidental, situation.

I have no idea if this boy is a psychopath in the making but I do know I would not want him having anything to do with my son or my family. It sounds like your son has the right idea of cutting him off completely. This is his behaviour in front of his mother and you. He mortally injured the poor hamster and used the f word. Imagine what he might do unsupervised.

Don't minimise what he did to your son either - there are genuinely evil or sick people who absolutely do intend to do bad things. The world is not completely full of good people who make the odd bad choice and it is a disservice to your son to pretend this is so.

BTW this was absolutely not your fault - you couldn't know that a minor nip that didn't break the skin would make an 11 year old stand up and lob the poor rodent across the room.

Because the title didn't tell you enough about the content?

We’ve had many hamsters over the years some are confident little critters who never nip, others have been more jumpy and prone to biting.
Id never allow a friend of my kids to handle them at all.
They are not toys, they are tiny beings who build trust with the people who care for them.
watch videos of their behaviours in the wild they are super clever. But also because of their size to a human and their situation ( being kept in a cage/enclosure) it makes them vulnerable.
They are also nocturnal so don’t like being abruptly woken.
They get one precious life and that’s hers gone.
That said you’ve done nothing purposely awful, but if you do get another little pet in time for your son I’d not let strange humans handle her.
We all make mistakes and that is also life.
personally this kid and the mother would never step foot at my home ever again. The mother’s attitude to just get another one speaks volumes. They don’t value animal life.

When I was a few years older in my mid-teens, the cat brought a wild mouse home depositing it, very much alive, terrified and surprisingly unharmed into a cluttery upstairs room. I launched a rescue mission of getting the cat out and trying to catch the mouse and put it in a shie box to be released. In return for saving its life, it bit me and drew blood. Bloody sore and deep, but I still carried on with the rescue (before dousing the cut with TCP)

The boy was seated so an instinctive recoil /drop /shake reaction would have been on to laps and far less damaging to the hamster. The boy standing up before a bigger "fling" , the wording of his verbal reaction and lack of remorse/ care for the hamster is concerning. The mum's message was also oddly functional and emotionally detatched.

OP's son is sensible in wanting to end this friendship. Quality of friends matters more than quanity. There's a wider pool of people to be friends with on moving up to secondary and easier to meet like-minded people.

I'd also contact the safeguarding lead of the boy's school as this could be useful information as part of a bigger picture.

I'm so sorry for your DS, and the other kid and the poor hammy. I did this to my new hamster when I was a child. The bite was so sharp and unexpected, it did draw blood. I didn't chuck the hamster, my hand recoiled, hamster was initially attached to my finger with its long top teeth, hamster has went flying out of my hand. It was a reflex in the same way you'd drop something unexpectedly so hot it burns without actually thinking (spinal cord rather than brain).
What I was absolutely not doing was punishing the hamster and it was not an aggressive act.
Is there any chance this was what happened in this scenario?
I don't know how this would help your son - I think to stress it was an accident like you've been doing and the child didn't mean for the hamster to be hurt?

I don't know how this would help your son - I think to stress it was an accident like you've been doing and the child didn't mean for the hamster to be hurt?

The way to help her son would be to validate his feelings and not try to make him continue this friendship.

All of this could apply to me.

I have been bitten by hamsters, rabbits, a ferret, cats , a dog (accidentally, once), and horses. It's not that I'm horrible to animals, it's just that we have had (literally) dozens of these, and had friends with many various animals, the more contact you have with animals the more likely that sooner or later you will get bitten or badly scratched by one that is frightened or ill or just ill-tempered.

I have dropped an animal before. I have never once deliberately hurt or killed one.

OP, you said your little boy doesn't have many friends, however he should be confident that if a friend isn't right for him, that it's perfectly OK to drop them.

It wasn't just the flinging the hamster across the room - instead of giving you a nano second more to help him - but also the attitude afterwards. He was completely oblivious to the consequences of what he'd done and was only concerned about having been nipped (skin not even broken). Yes it bloody hurts but I would not want a child like this in my house again. You can make excuses as to his age, maturity, lack of familiarity with pets etc and all that can be true but still not take away from the fact he sounds like he's not a very pleasant child. If your son would prefer not to be friends with him anymore, I'd support him on that.

Op the boy sounds horrible and if it had been my dds hamster in my house I'd have been really angry with him. So what if the hamster bit him?! It's not okay to throw a small animal across a room ffs.

At 11yo he is old enough to know better and the lack of remorse and empathy is disturbing.

I’d also add that the fact your DS doesn’t have many friends might have led this boy to latch on to your son. If that was so, this boy would be the dominant person in the friendship. You’ve now seen how he behaves in front of his mother and you, I wonder how he’s behaved with your son previously? As well as this cruel and unnecessary throwing of the hamster, there could have been other things previously that have made your DS uneasy. I don’t mean animal-related, I mean cruelness and bullying towards him.

I also wonder if the hamster did actually nip him at all. There was no blood and not even a mark. What was the discussion just before this happened? Was there a lot of focus on your son and his hamster (look at Fluffy, he’s so sweet, Bobby tell everyone how Fluffy…. Etc)? Perhaps this boy was jealous? Sitting on a sofa by others, having a hamster apparently nip you so lightly that it left no mark, then, instead of dropping it in your own lap or dropping it on an adult’s, he stands up and flings the hamster. I think he could have been jealous and angry. I doubt he was a good friend to your son anyway.

What? 😆
Some of you need to get a grip.
He did not intentionally hurt this hamster.

I think OP needs to clarify if it was a reactionary fling to pain and shock of the bite or if it was a more deliberate second movement.

He killed it (probably accidentally, but he reacted unnecessarily aggressively)- and showed no remorse.

The lack. of remorse is very concerning.

This.

It’s not a normal reaction to being nipped, it’s normal to say “ ouch “ or even to put the hamster down quickly. Violence towards animals is a sign of some deep disturbances in children and id be VERY glad that this friendship is over.

its not your fault and I can tell you feel quite traumatised by it.

Is it just me or have we got to the point on Mumsnet where anyone posting for advice on an incident needs to be able to provide a slow-action replay of it for analysis?

Whatever happened in the OP's home with the little hamster must have happened in a few seconds . . . it must be extremely difficult for her to respond to these sorts of questions . . .

I actually did this myself as a child at least 50 years ago. It's the shock of the bite. I felt awful afterwards, but at the time I just wanted the rodent off my finger. Sad for your son though.

@ChedderGorgeous - I’m not sure the OP can clarify any more for you, she has explained exactly what happened and the boy who did it is the only person who can truly know what was going through his head at the time.

However, it is not a normal reaction to throw a living creature across the room even through pain/shock, perhaps drop it but not fling it as described. The flinging plus swearing plus lack of emotion suggests something more deliberate.

She’s not! The dickhead js the 11 yo.

What do you expect if your hamster bite him? If it bit me I'd have flung it too. It's a natural response to pain.

He didnt know he had killed it when he went home . Some of you need to have a reality check and stop acting like the child intentionally killed the hamster.
In his world he probably saw it was ok and that was that .
To the op please don't tell people he killed it intentionally irl. If you have mutual friends the child will have this reputation for a long time .
I'm very sorry for your son . It is awful for him to lose a pet .

He is not remorseful because the vicious little fucker hurt him!!