DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

“In poor taste”?!
This is real life, not a Disney movie. If you can’t handle the facts, don’t click on the thread, the subject matter was clear.
If you, a grown adult, who knows none the people , nor the animal, involved, can become so “triggered” just by reading this story, imagine how traumatised OP’s 11 yr old son is at having witnessed his friend killing his pet. It is totally natural that OP would reach out for advice and support.

OP , do not blame yourself . Do not blame the child either- what he did was cruel, but he’s 11 and as other pps have said, he may have overreacted in the moment, and be masking any subsequent feelings. While most 11 year olds would not do this, everyone is different, and an 11 year old is still very very far from being emotionally mature.

Your son’s upset and anger at his friend is entirely understandable; his wish to end the friendship is natural and proportionate. You should trust your son’s instincts here and respect his boundaries.

the boy’s mum’s text in response to hearing the animal died is bizarre and a problem. I would want to say something further to her.

you sound like a lovely mum xxx

This might not be the response of most 11 year old, but still very young in brain development and therefore more likely to react in a way when the brain detects danger. At that age the brain is still being controlled mainly by its fight or flight and not using executive function very much.

I do agree it's more about the after response that would be my deciding factor, but also need to consider the ego kicking in or denial of feelings. He might be feeling devastated internally but doesn't want to show it.

Give your son time and allow him to make his own decision on this one, he might change his mind over time and possibly the friend might be more open to showing his true feelings.

This kid has form for being aggressive to his sibling. I'd say it's a case of "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". Everything about this says he's a nasty little shit who should never go near OP's son, her house or any animals he could hurt.

The amount of qualified and registers psychologist/psychiatrists on mums net it amazing!?!?!

This is not a precursor or indication of sociopathy, psychopathy or any other mental health condition. This was not a deliberate, sought out to hurt an animal situation that you are all hearing about. This was a response to a painful and scary stimuli and the brain reacted. He might have other struggles with his brain if he is quick to anger, but that doesn't mean he is dangerous.

You all need to put your remotes down and stop watching crime programmes and thinking your qualified to lable a child.

@Gunkle1 This might not be the response of most 11 year old, but still very young in brain development and therefore more likely to react in a way when the brain detects danger. At that age the brain is still being controlled mainly by its fight or flight and not using executive function very much.

Really strange and weird comment that I suspect is not supported by a single shred of evidence.

We are talking about an 11 year old here. Not a toddler.

I expect a lot of people on this thread eat chicken eggs. You probably don’t want to know about how they sex the day old chicks and throw the males into crates to be killed! To see it on a massive scale is upsetting. They really do get thrown. But that’s the reality. As is how the chickens are bred to be breastmeat heavy too quickly for their legs and organs.

It’s not ok what happened with the hamster but there are lots of people who kill lots of animals each day so others can eat them and wear them. The only mammals we have killed were rodents to put them out of their misery when the cat brought them in - actually gave them to Dh as I couldn’t do it and he had to have a stiff drink afterwards. The downside of having cats -though the upside is that they usually kill the ones in the house which eat through the kitchen.

Interestingly, slaughtermen tend to have a high rate of mental health problems. At the slaughterhouse I went to, they rotated the men at different points of the process for this reason. Never saw a woman work there.

I am not here to provide you with an education, but please do some research.

The human brain doesn't fully develop until early to mid 20s, but can take longer if other factors involved.

I have worked with children for 20 years, including many children who would fit the true definition of psychopathy or sociopathy.

The voice of reason! People and maybe especially children do respond in unpredictable ways to pain, and unfortunately animals are also unpredictable. I hope OP doesn’t pass her next pet around to be handled by children.

Her son may not be too keen on this boy in future due to his part in what happened, but a startled reaction to being bitten is no predictor of future behaviour.

The mum couldn’t resurrect the hamster so tried to do next best thing. What was she supposed to do? Contact an undertakers and spring for a headstone?

It must have been shocking for OP’s son, but accidents happen, small rodents are fragile and have short lives and it would be best to mourn hammy for a day or two and then move on and treat future pets a bit more carefully.

"Fully develop" being the key phrase here though surely?
If this was a 16yo boy, you'd damn well expect him not to be "flinging" a hamster, even if it nipped him.
11 yo's know, or should know not to fling small animals, or at the very least that they're delicate.
It was a nip, not a bite.
No marks made or blood drawn according to OP.
The child could've quite easily instinctively just let go/dropped it and made pain noises if it genuinely hurt, but instead he instinctively "flung" it and swore at it.

I don't agree with those saying sociopath or psychopath or claiming "murder", but it is at the very least telling behaviour imo.

I sort of did this with my friends ferret when it bit me at 17. I didn't fling it across the room but I shook my hand in shock. A hamster would have been hurt. I'm not a sociopath. I'm just a bit jumpy when things bite me or certain sorts of pain. My reflexes are strong
I don't think you should necessarily hold this against the child , but i think considering the hamster died from it, your son isn't going to be able to view that boy in the same light. I think It would probably be better to tell your son that it was an accident but that shows that carelessness and impulsivity is dangerous, especially to small creatures, and that I'm future not let hamsters be handled by others as they aren't always careful enough

@disaggregate what's "accidental" about standing up, flinging (OP's word) an animal across the room, saying "The fucking thing bit me" and showing zero remorse?

As PP have said, why are so many eager to minimise what this boy did? And why should OP's son only mourn his pet for a day or two?

Not sure I agree it's telling behaviour.

Difference between knowing something is wrong and not doing it when frightened. It's the same behaviour as punching out when someone gives you a fright or you jumping when u see a "spider" when in fact it's a fluff bunny blowing across the floor. You over react then give yourself a talking to.

If he took the pet out it's cage and then thrown it, I would 100% be on the other side but come on.

We also don't know what's going on with this child outside this situation other than he behaves angrily with siblings. He might be stuck on hyper vigilance due to trauma etc.

I think there may possibly be some slight misunderstanding (though I could be wrong, apologies if so!).
I don't necessarily mean "telling" in the sense of "this kid will grow up to be no good!"
But more so in the sense that it's "telling" imo that the immediate instinctive reaction was a more fight-y one, than flight-y one if that makes sense.

Putting myself in OP's DS's shoes- I wouldn't particularly want to be around someone who instinctively reacts like that either, and from memory I didn't.
Any type of even remotely aggressive behaviour like that, even if in response to a fright I didn't want anything to do with when I was younger, and I honestly don't blame OP's son for not wanting anything to do with that either.

(But that being said, I was and still am an animal adorer with an angry father - So my judgement could be clouded there)

I really feel for you and your DS op. What a horrible thing to happen. I’m so sorry for you both.
Some of the comments on here have not been very kind or helpful. Not what you needed.
Hope your DS is ok.

Apologies, I see what you mean now.

I think just reading some of these comments have put me in a bit of a "mood". I hate being children or even adults being labeled based on one behaviour. This can lead to self fulfilling prophecy.

I 100% agree to follow son's lead on this as he is the one impacted by this. It might also give the other child a kick to possibley reflect and genuinely apologise and even allow him to possible open channels to help his behaviour.

I’ve kept hamsters since I was 6, I’ve been handling them for all of that time. I had bites that drew blood a few times far younger than this kid and didn’t manage to kill any of them! Throwing a living creature by being thoughtless and dramatic, it’s just horrible- and not your fault. 11 isn’t an age where a child can’t understand consequences, in most cases. So sorry you’re going through this, it’s not your fault.

No need to apologise @Gunkle1 !
Things aren't always clear in writing - Reading back, I could've elaborated further!

While I agree it was an accident, based on his reaction I would not push your son to remain friends with him.

This is a matter that can only be settled meaningfully between the boys. They are old enough to handle this themselves. An intervention by you won't help as you don't know how they feel, whether they want to make up or not, what it will mean to each boy if he loses his friend. Let it be.

DS is distraught, and repulsed by his friend. He should be encouraged to listen to his feelings on this. If the friend seemed upset, concerned, sorry, and made a genuine contrite apology that indicated he was aware of the pain caused - to the poor little hamster, and to the boy whose pet it was - that would be different. he hasn't shown any concern whatsoever, and his mother is not much better.

Please put a trigger warning on your title.

I think that is good judgement on the part of your son. Killing animals without remorse is a classic sign of sociopathy.

Throwing the hamster might have been a reflex and the apparent callousness afterwards may have been a cover for embarrassment. Hamsters can bite very hard and if you're not used to being around them, it is possible to overreact. I'm not sure I agree with other posters that this is a definite mark of a future sociopath. Yes, it might be the case that he genuinely didn't care, which would be alarming, or it might be the case that he felt so bad and humiliated about it he just didn't know how to react.

That said, I think you should leave it up to your son if he wants to be friends with this boy or not. The boy didn't show appropriate remorse and empathy after accidentally killing his pet. That's sufficient grounds to end a friendship if that's what he wants. But if he wants to try to forgive and move on then that's his right too.

I'm so sorry for the poor hamster and your son who has lost his pet.

Sounds like an accident. An overreaction to the shock . He flung his arms quickly get the hamster away.
Yes he should not have done it . But sometimes actions happen before people have time to think of the consequences.
Cutting them out completely is an overreaction in itself.

Children learn compassion and remorse way before 11 years old. My 11yo would be distraught if he killed an animal. So sorry for you and your son OP. He would never darken my door again!