DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

I had hamsters for years and years. I remember one biting me (a proper bite - blood drawn and so painful) when I was a teenager. Yes - it made me jump to the point where I flung it across the room. Obviously I then had to scoop it up and get it back to safety. I was more concerned for my finger at the time. Hamster was fine.

I don't think this child is the devil the way some posters are making out. Doesn't sound deliberate, more a shock.

No issue with distancing yourselves though. It's hard to forgive someone for killing something, even if it's an accident!

agree

I don’t know how I’d feel at being bit by a hamster at that age. (I always found them creepy so I wouldn’t have picked one up to begin with ) but I would say that your son shouldn’t have to continue this friendship with this child.

You were right to cancel the activity. If your son changes his mind they can always pick up the friendship but right now with the way he feels it might be quite traumatising to him to be forced to socialise with this boy. Let them go their separate ways.

OP, firstly it is not your fault. An 11 year old child should be able to be trusted with a hamster, that was not a normal reaction! If I were your DS, I would not be able to move past this, especially as the other child isn’t even upset by what he has done, and it would be the end of the friendship.

Hmmm ok, well I am a big hamster fan, have had several over the years and DD aged 13 currently has one. However, when they bite it really hurts and can be a real shock especially for a child who isn’t used to it and is expecting a tiny, cute little thing to hold. I certainly dropped a couple of mine in shock when I was a child. I can imagine a reflex action being to get it away from you.

In terms of the boy’s reaction afterwards, it’s difficult to say. I can think of several adult men who would’ve reacted similarly out of embarrassment that a tiny creature had hurt them. Not saying that’s right whatsoever but could it have been a combined element of shock and embarrassment? I think some of the comments on here about this boy are quite extreme given that you said it wasn’t a deliberate act and the fact that the hamster hadn’t died at that point so the severity perhaps wasn’t clear. Either way, sorry for your loss and hope your DS is ok.

What a difficult situation, op. I think you need to be guided by both your own and your son’s instincts on this. If your first reaction was to be disturbed by the way he did it, listen to that. Ok to review your thinking like you are, but equally you were the only one there and knew how his actions, tone of voice etc felt.

I think you are taking too much responsibility for the incident itself and also managing your son’s emotions about it. Just try to go with where he is and talk it all through like you have here. He will probably be going through a similar mental process of his own.

i wouldnt associate with the family any more

Disgusting behaviour and lack of remorse from a child that is old enough to know better. Well done your son for setting boundaries. IMO that deserves support. Who need that kind of ‘friend’ in their lives?

It was an accident! I did the same thing with my gerbil, it was just an instinctive ‘get it off me’ hand flick that sent it flying, luckily in my case it was ok. I don’t think it’s fair to judge the child for an accident.

I'm so sorry for the little hamster and also for your poor son and you. It's a horrible thing to have happened.
But.. by the sounds of it the boy did it out of shock and a reflex. Is he usually a nice enough kid?

I worked as a veterinary nurse for many years and have heard of vets doing this with little animals that have bitten them like hamsters, just out of shock. Obviously these vets aren't psychopaths or anything.

It sounds to me like a tragic accident.

@HamsterAccident

Weirdo schio or pscho boy in the makingmother's attitude,
was telling too,
in that she didn't say oh good sorry,

She just thought
hamster was just saw hamster as easily replaceable , like a favourite soft toy been accidently damaged and can replace in he charity shop

"I agree with @Kalevala good post about boy's reaction was very off,
" something not right about him dodgy too".

Frankly i would be quite concerned about him about that boys mind ..

Horrific, wouldnt have that child round again, i hope your ds is ok and poor hamster, v sad xx

You know several grown adult men who would kill an animal out of embarrassment?

And you think that's ok?

Fucking hell.

I would add that knowing hamsters bite like this, he shouldn’t have been allowed to handle it. Reading this thread it doesn’t sound like a rare occurrence for hamsters to bite. so it was kind of predictable.

I’d not have been happy if
a child in my care was bitten by a friends family pet. Irrespective of this child’s actions, perhaps a lesson to be learnt by everyone for the future.

@HamsterAccident ok but you lost me at the fact he threw her at all...

They were saying it’s good that the op’s son wants to cut the boy out, not trying to defend the hamster killer.

Whilst you could possibly take the original 'throw' as reflex action, I am with @WiddlinDiddlin on this - reflex is to pull away. You've also said that "this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact". I'd be absolutely fine with DS not wanting to be friends any more.

Was he unremorseful or embarrassed?

I did a very similar thing as a child, cousins gerbil bit me and I shook a bit too hard to get it off. It didn’t die but flew halfway across the room. I was embarrassed, which came across as anger, but can tell you I was upset inside. Plus I had a parent who would have ‘given me something to cry about’ if I’d have shown any emotion.

Poor hamster. Perhaps she sensed the little shit boy was someone to be wary of and that's why she bit him. Either way, it's not your fault op.

One of the first signs of psycopathy is cruelty to animals. I won't have anything to do with people who are cruel to animals. It's never a good sign. A hamster bit my brother when he was a similar age. I remember we put it on his snooker table and it bit him, then nibbled a hole in the cloth and then disappeared into one of the pockets! My brother was just annoyed and didn't really play with it any more (the hamster, not the snooker table lol). But he certainly wouldn't have thrown it across the room and broken its back.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. They become part of the family and this is a horrible, horrible thing to have gone through. Your poor son 😭

Secondly, this isn’t your fault. At all.

DS1 is 9 and he can be quite explosive when things don’t go his way/if he gets hurt (? ADHD/ASD). But he would never hurt an animal like that.

There is a huge difference between dropping (reasonable) and throwing (unreasonable) and given that this boy did the latter there is no way I’d want to continue to have any association with him

Had the hamster previously been violent in other ways? I can't help feeling there is more to this story. First children were 6 and now 11. Aggressive rodents should be checked over by a vet usually.

If you kicked a dog that bit you it would probably do it again so it's inadvisable as well as being cruel unless you were being attackedby a pit bull. Standing up and throwing the hamster was a deliberate act and he showed no remorse.

I think you should stay away from animals.

Well aren't you a fine specimen of a human being!! If you kicked my pet once you wouldn't fucking well do it again!

The OP literally explained it. No.