DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

His friend probably didn’t mean to hurt the hamster (if he reacted quickly wouldn’t have had time to think about this) and I’m sure he didn’t mean to kill the hamster. But he doesn’t sound like a nice person especially since he wasn’t bothered afterwards.

If your DS doesn’t want to speak to him again I wouldn’t make him. He will be starting high school soon and will meet new people / friends.

True. Admittedly I haven't read the whole thread, so I don't know what he said or did afterwards.

I flung my hand backwards to shake the hamster off. It wasn't a conscious decision I made, I reacted on a reflex but the purpose of the action was to fling my hand to get the hamster off. I've never deliberately hurt an animal in my life and never would. It was a reflex action by a child.

I think that you are making too many excuses for him. The friendship is better ending. Imagine them being a bit older and him reacting violently and causing injury or trouble for your DS, while out alone. Let your son find his own friendship group at high school.

What if it was a baby or toddler that bit you?

With a dog it could be self defence to keep yourself safe. The normal reaction to a tiny animal would be to drop it or even quickly put it down. More like if you are holding a coffee and it splashes you.

That's different to what this child did. The OP said he stood up and threw it. That's retaliation.

Dropping is a reflex action. Shaking off is a reflex action. Recoiling is a reflex action. A reflex action is a method of self protection.

Standing up, shouting and throwing is not a reflex action. It is an uncontrolled anger response.

In the same way that quickly slapping someone who has trodden sharply on your foot is a reflex action. Sharply pushing that person away is a reflex action. But walking across the room to shout at them and punch them isn't.

Edit: what I'm saying is that there are a range of reflex reactions all of which are instinctive responses to protect yourself when hurt. What the OP has described is none of those.

I think your son is definitely better off without this 'friend'. His reaction to being bitten by a hamster is absolutely not normal and if I were his parent I'd be taking him for a psychiatric assessment before he grows up to be a serial killer.

I would find his/his mum’s lack of empathy more worrying than the act to be honest.

I can understand how he might have had an involuntary jerk when he was nipped but to be followed by swearing and no concern that the hamster had been thrown…..not the type of behaviour typical in kind children….

Then for the mum to think only of replacing it rather than asking how your son was, again a real lack of compassion.

I think your son, however sounds utterly lovely- very caring and obviously had a strong bond with his pet. Personally, I’d validate his feelings by letting him reduce contact if that’s what he wants to do. He can always pick up the friendship
agsim in n the future if he wants.

The mums response is bizarre. Not even an "I'm so sorry"?

I'd be horrified for my child to have been involved in this, accident or no accident.

I think if a child flung a living thing and then also did not have concern it was hurt….it would be a red flag for me they had some serious emotional regulation issues plus they lack empathy. I would not feel comfortable letting my child be around them unsupervised. For context - the law considers a 11 year old is old enough to distinguish from right and wrong to the point a 11 year old can be prosecuted for breaking the law. I agree with your son this friendship is over.

Also, I’ve worked with a wife range children for over 15 years. Generally speaking, even the real ‘trouble makers’ would be concerned at that if if they had hurt an animal. There is a very, very small
minority who wouldn’t care and they generally grow up to be unpleasant people. Broadly speaking before I get shot down by the person who hates animals but isn’t a serial killer…. I just mean that by nature, generally children care if they have hurt something small and fluffy.

From the kids reaction all I can think of is sociopath 👀

I don't think that's similar at all!

Leaving a cage open is an accident. You can sometimes think you've closed them and you haven't. Particularly if you're unfamiliar with the cage.

Hamsters.are master escapees! I heard a noise on the kitchen floor a couple of months ago. The hamster had got out of his cage, found his way out of my daughter's room, made his way downstairs and was pottering around the kitchen.

That is not the same as throwing a hamster across a room!

I agree with your DS. His friends behaviour following the incident is not normal for an 11 year old. Poor hamster and ds

@HamsterAccident

If this was a toddler or small child the reaction a bit more understandable,

But this is a 11 Yr old,

Definitely enough to have some compassion,

I really don't like the way you have described this 11 Yr old,

I could never have anything to do with that boy ever again,
Your son is totally spot on nailed it on being emotionally intelligent response,

It's good he has got strong 💪 robust boundaries and better self esteem now,

Well done teaching him stuff like that,

Encourage your son to obviously make new friends and join hobbies clubs such as Football martial arts scouts etc,

His reaction afterwards is incredibly telling. If he had immediately said 'oh fuck, oh fuck! I didn't mean to throw it! Is it okay?' then that would be different to 'the fucking thing bit me'.

The reaction as well as the retaliatory way he stood up to throw it would mean I wouldn't want to see the child again. The mother's reaction of 'just buy a new one' would then have made that the whole family.

And if you’d just kicked a dig and then realised you’d killed the poor thing ??? What would your reaction then be?

Typo omission old enough *

Your son would be better off with no friend than with Hamster Killer.

Rest in peace little hamster.

I have 3 kids, 12, 10 and 6, the youngest 2 are autistic (youngest non verbal) my youngest would not understand he had killed the hamster, my middle son he is high functioning autistic and he certainly would understand and he would cry if he killed an animal. My 12 year old would completely understand and feel guilty and most likely cry once known her reaction had killed said hamster (hypothetically of course my kids have never done this tbh) so certainly a 11 should be able to understand something has been Un-a-lived (sorry my post will be removed if not worded like that) I’d keep the child away, there is an obvious issue with the child where he is non caring past him, could be due to trauma or personality disorder. More worrying for me is “lack of care for the unalived hamster, or his friend” which could lead on to more worry behaviour. I don’t want to write an 11 year old off, but most would care!

Totally agree.

Even the worst behaved children are usually kind to younger children and animals. Now that is instinctive!

Absolutely horrific
Cut the 'friend' off, the vile little shit.
The mother ought to be truly ashamed!
In my opinion he needs watching carefully as this is really abnormal behaviour and the complete lack of remorse is chilling.
Poor hamster and your poor DS.

Oh OP I'm so so sorry this has happened for your DS. And age 11 is an acceptable age to expect to be able to manage being nipped by a hamster without doing what he did, if the boy couldn't help himself / suffered form such impulse control that he couldn't stop himself then frankly it was for his own mother to either warn you of this or to be stepping in to prevent this sort of behaviour by declining on his behalf to hold the hamster.
I'd not see this child again, and honestly I'd be telling my child that I genuinely didn't know why he had done this but he didn't need to see him again if he didn't want to.