DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

I'm of the belief that people have to ask our forgiveness by apologising to the level of the accident/hurt.

I don't think it's a good example to just hand out forgiveness for things just because we want a good friendship with someone- they have to do their part too.

I noticed the mum didn't even apologise in her text. 'oh no!' in a text is what one would usually say if we said something really banal and every day in a conversation- like 'my son won't has gone off carrots and we've bought him a carrot cake for his birthday'. So far, it doesn't sound like she has any empathy for what's happened.

Maybe wait and see if they come forward with any apology without any prompting from yourself- a card from the son and a gift maybe? (not a new hamster though).

Your first, contraction is the right one, don't ignore it, that boy sounds like he would be trouble. Listen to your son and take his lead.

But the child was then not upset or sorry. That is NOT normal.

Okay, so when my friend was little she accidentally killed the class hamster in the way described her. It but her, she instinctively/without thinking flung it across the room. Killed it quite quickly.

Hamsters can be quite nippy little things, their bites hurt. A reaction like your sons friend and my friend isn’t a sign of malice in an of itself.

But in my opinion (and I’ve not read all your comments) this in and of itself isn’t awful. The class wasn’t told it my my friend who killed the hamster. She was a gentle soul though, she didn’t mean any harm and was gutted.

The kid’s reaction should be remorse. If he is a bit of a nightmare anyway, and your son is seriously upset then this might be a good moment to cool things off.

I'm sorry but I think that if anything, you are underreacting here.
There is being nipped and dropping an animal in shock and being nipped and reacting the way this boy did. He stood up to throw your son's pet on to the floor and he did it overarm to maximise strength. I would not be allowing this boy anywhere my child. The boy's mother's reaction also seems....odd for want of a better word. She also seems to have underreacted which has possibly led to your confusion over whether to cut contact with this family but the first thing that passed through my mind was that this wasn't the first time that something like this has happened. Actually her reaction to all of this is just so odd - it's screaming stay away to me.

It really would not

They’re 11??? I read it as age six rather than year six. From age six I would have been forgiving but at age eleven, no. I’d be mortified if my 10 yo did this - but he wouldn’t - he has SEN but he would be aware at age 10 that in no way should you violently throw a living thing.

An 11year old is perfectly capable of empathy but instead he focused on himself
Its not your fault it is the child’s for throwing the hamster which he did in anger and not by mistake.
Hes not the sort of person that is worthy of your dcs friendship so yes I would cancel any planned activities.
I would tell the mum why you are doing so, ie her dc killed your dcs hampster and I wouldn’t let them in the house or on play dates, parties anything really.

I think we have to put this in perspective, what if it was a puppy or kitten hurled across a room, just because it’s a small pet doesn’t mean it is less worthy or less important.

OP, don’t blame yourself for the incident. Not your fault. You now know that it’s a good idea to warn visitors that even little animals can give you quite a bite. But I wouldn’t have expected such a violent reaction.

But the child sounds a real problem. Throwing the hamster, swearing at you. I really wouldn’t let him near your son again. Violent adults often started out by hurting animals. The parents need to know his behaviour is unacceptable.

But the child was then not upset or sorry. That is NOT normal.

I'd be outraged if I'd been bitten. I wouldn't be upset or sorry, either. Requiring particular responses from people is a non-starter, and it's unreasonable.

Bloody phone! Contraction in my post is actually gut reaction.

Second this!

Letting go of that friendship and teaching your son that his gut reactions are valid, will really help him in choosing carefully who he wants to be friends with next.

Absolutely showing no care for the hamster afterwards is a huge red flag. It’s not normal.

He was angry the hamster had nipped him and not concerned about the hamster tbh

Awful. What a monster.

Just adding another voice here that I think it’s totally unacceptable behaviour if he deliberately threw it. What I find more concerning however is the worrying lack of empathy you describe he displayed after.

Accidents happen but I’m a firm believer that how we respond is what counts. Personally I’d speak to his care giver about what happened and then just focus on just explaining why his behaviour was wrong to your lad and move on from it. I certainly wouldn’t be worried about being unfair to the other kid, actions have consequences and that’s a good life lesson.

Definitely sounds like a psychopath in the making!

What?

Are you saying that people should be able to behave in any way they want in response to something that upsets them?

I'm assuming that poster is being deliberately edge lord, best ignored.

I would be avoiding your family if I knew you.

I'd be outraged if I'd been bitten.

Then you would be very stupid. Animals have teeth. An animal may feel threatened if picked up by a human, and may bite. That really doesn’t take much brain power.

If a tiny pain outrages you to the point of violence, you need help. And you should keep away from people, in case anyone bumps into you!

I was going to say the same thing - 11 yo is old enough to be prosecuted for animal cruelty. And yes it is an offence to cause unnecessary suffering to an animal, whether yours or not, whether intentional or just reckless. RSPCA have been know to prosecute under 16s - I’m not saying they would here but strictly they could.

This boy’s Mum needs a wake up call about his behaviour.

Make ridiculous assumptions if you wish.

A child responded instinctively to being hurt. No particular emotional reaction to the outcome of his involuntary movement should be expected.

How many hamster bites have you had?

I haven't read all replys but did he definitely throw it in anger? When I was about 10 I had my hamster sink it's teeth in my hand and I couldn't unclench its mouth. It was so deep the hamster was getting soaked in my blood but it wasnt letting go! I had to shake my hand to get it off in a panic (and pain!) It didn't die and was fine but I can understand things happening when you have a shock? If he did it in a rage AFTER he she had biten him that's obviously different

The boy's reaction to fatally harming an animal, even if done in a moment of shock at being bitten, is not normal. His mother's response to offer to replace it, as though it was a broken toy, is pretty weird too.

I think it's quite understandable for your son not to want anything more to do with the boy, and I would feel the same about the mother, too.

This happened to me around the same age, with my dwarf hamster. I told the other child (not a friend) to NOT put his hand in the cage, because that particular hamster was quite bitey. The boy did it anyway, it bit and he flung it on the floor. The hamster died overnight. The boy and his parents didn't even contact my parents to apologise. It's been nearly 30 years (and several other hamsters) and I still resent it!

I think your son would feel better if you acknowledged that this is not okay. I'd tell the parent that your child is upset and it would help if they sent a proper apology.