DS’s friend killed his hamster

[HamsterAccident]

To cut a long story short DS’s friend came round and held DS’s hamster, hamster nipped him (didn’t draw blood, but I’m sure it was a shock obviously), and friend flung hamster across the room, she landed on her back and died a little later.

DS is absolutely distraught and has vowed to cut friend out his life completely. They are year 6 age.

Any advice on how to manage this? I have reiterated that it was an accident but also I do blame myself as this friend is known to sometimes aggressively overreact with sibling so in hindsight I shouldn’t have let him hold her.

DS doesn’t have many friends so I feel really sad about the loss of this friendship, but I also see his point that even knowing it wasn’t intentional, it’s a hard thing to get over.

There should be no question either way.
Throwing a tiny animal like that, whether they hit the floor the wall, likely broke bones, fractured the skull and cause internal injuries.
The hamster died in agony and wall or floor should not be a factor in deciding whether the little shit gets to stay friends.

That is so, so sad. Your poor son and hamster
I'm all for forgiveness, but actually wouldn't blame your son at all for wanting to end the friendship.

@AnnaKristie - not quite sure why you find it so funny. Animal abuse is a criminal offence and the child is over the age of criminal responsibility.

Also I might add that mine very much broke the skin and I ended up needing antibiotics as it became infect. No idea why he bit me, he never did it again and lived another year and a bit

Exactly this. Bit of perspective needed here as I suspect the latter is more like what happened here. There aren't many 11 year olds who go around wanting to kill hamsters.....

I’d have thought most 11 year olds - at least any I’ve ever known - would be distraught to think they’d killed a friend’s hamster, even if it was an accident.

That would be nice 11 year olds, of course, so it would seem that your ds’s friend is not nice, so maybe he’s well shot of him.

@HamsterAccident I’m going to go against the grain here and offer up an alternative perspective. Some children are very cruel to animals, but this sounds like it might have been a split second reaction to pain/shock. Ie not in anyway pre-meditated. Perhaps in the same way as you would quickly move your hand away from a source of heat if burned. Very, very sad for all concerned. You will need to help your son to process his feelings around the loss of his pet and possibly the loss of his friendship. He doesn’t need to make any rash decisions about the friendship, but ultimately it is his decision to make.

You don't need to read it. The title makes it clear that the post is not about something nice. If you as an adult can't cope with that go away to a different thread. Dont purposely open a thread with a title about an animal being killed if you can't cope with reading the facts.

Throwing the poor thing is absolute not normal behaviour despite being nipped! I would not want him around my child.

Ps if I was the other child’s mother I would be absolutely mortified and putting all my energy into getting my son to realise the seriousness of what he’d done, apologise properly and make it up to your son the best he could.

I also misread the OP and thought he was 6. I have a very impulsive 6 year old and was wondering if I could imagine him doing this. I think he possibly could but I know if he did he would be immediately distraught and I would've been horrified as the mum! So the lack of reaction is really worrying. Once I realised the boy in your post was eleven - that definitely changes things. Assuming no SEN or anything like that, this is completely unacceptable behaviour for an eleven year old. I would definitely respect your DS's decision not to continue the friendship. What a horrible thing to happen, I'm so sorry

My own (wild) 6 year old actually cried at the park the other day because he put his ball down on top of a big spider without noticing and crushed it. He felt really guilty. I'm not sure how he would get over killing a hamster!

I'm sorry but year 6 is 10-11 year old? they KNOW not to yeet small animals across them room. Shy of extreme learning difficulties there is not an excuse for this behavior in a kid that age.

I'm disabled (brain damage from birth) and as such had bad learning delays and they couldn't figure out the cause. It lead me to being very short tempered and aggressive due to the frustration as a child but by that age I had my own pet hamster and was very aware of right from wrong when handling small animals (In fact I was aware of that long before 10 because its a basic thing to be taught as a small child).

I recall one of the questions on an assessment from CAMHS which I had to complete for a child with SEMH was about their relationship with animals - something like ‘Does the child appear to treat animals with cruelty’ and when I asked the psychologist about this, she explained that it can indicate a lack of empathy and ring alarm bells.

To answer a few more questions.

Sorry, I put year 6 because I wanted to make the slight distinction that they are in primary school still.

After the hamster landed he said “fucking thing bit me”. I wasn’t going to put this bit as it doesn’t paint the child in a great light and I did want to be fair. But no, he wasn’t upset about hurting her in that moment, however I don’t know how he’s been at home knowing she’s died.

I immediately picked her her but then whilst holding her did check he wasn’t bleeding and he definitely wasn’t.

I have told DS that we don’t need to see this child again (they don’t go to the same school anymore). However I have said to him that’s whilst I think the friend over reacted I don’t think he meant to hurt/kill her. Mainly because it felt like the kindest thing for DS at the time. When things are slightly less raw we’ll have a better conversation.

The blame is FIRMLY that of the 11 yo boy who threw a live animal across the room

of course it’s not your fault

of course your ds never wants anything more to do with his former friend.

they’re going to secondary school soon, he’ll make new friends

Losing a friend like that is no loss at all.

Urghh you can't force your son to be friends with somebody who murdered his hamster, what does that teach him?! You're removing his autonomy and men can be victims of abuse too, do you want to set him up to have absolutely no boundaries at all? He has taken a stance, rightfully imo. You should support him.

I have a cousin who threw a kitten (kitten was fine) and I've not spoken to them or acknowledged their existence in 10 years.

I have reiterated that it was an accident

It wasn't an accident. The boy did it on purpose, and at 11 years of age he knew perfectly well what the result could be. Why on earth are you telling your son itwas an accident? He knows his friend, he saw what happened and why, and he knows, because he's 11 too, that it wasn't an accident and that his friend intended to badly hurt his hamster.

You're gaslighting your own son. Why?

You might jump a bit when bitten (long time pet owner and nipped every now and then by nervous animals) but to fling an animal across the room is intentional surely?

I really couldn't have anything more to do with them.

At this age, this would be unforgiveable to me. I would have nothing more to do with this boy

Please save us from the professionally offended.

Was she a Syrian @HamsterAccident ? Accidentally sending a little 20-40g dwarf hamster flying when pulling your finger away after a bite is one thing. A 100/150g Syrian is less likely to be the hamster hanging on

Harming animals is viewed as a predictor for harming people.

Hamsters are pretty fragile. Mine got his leg stuck in a toy and must have tried to free himself. His leg broke. Obviously he had to be put to sleep. I was devastated. The toy was recalled.

Not saying this to excuse the boy at all but to say the poor animal must have been terrified. And why did he bite the child? I'd think if the hamster felt safe and secure it wouldn't have bitten.

I was such an animal lover as a kid, to crazy levels. I would never, ever have got over this if I had been the one responsible for the hamster's death.

Op, would it be fair to say that you were hoping people here would say it's an accident and you should encourage your son to forgive it because you're worried about him not having friends?