Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

OP - are you going to seek counselling?

Any boundaries or distance you try (MUST) put into place will be hard on your own.

But this is unsustainable and a bloody miserable way to live. Especially as, illness aside, he sounds thoroughly unpleasant and abusive. So the reasons you 'love' someone so unlovable need unpicking.

This really, REALLY cannot go on.

It also worries me that you say your son says he's unaffected by it all. How distant is the relationship between you now?
I also think it's shocking that his children don't know

He can record it. Doesn't need to write it

He tried to but i wouldnt have it. But ds did all those things except the doe, his choice.

@cakedup
Quite. Your work didn't sound like a TA role to me (in fact, I would love a move into your kind of role away from coalface teaching, but that's beside the point).
I really hope you're able to access the care and concern in some of these responses and let that percolate a little. You've got some big decisions to make. The tone of the thread is changing and it might be an idea for you to step away to really let the feedback you're receiving settle in your awareness. Posters are reflecting back to you some insightful observations which, I imagine, may be quite painful to process.
Take care.

The unnecessary/inconsistent restrictions are about control, OP, they really are.

Ds goes to university and is allowed to go anywhere he wants, dp has no say in that

I think he’s mentally unwell AND controlling. And unfortunately the OP is caught up in it all

Ok, I think you are in a really shit situation OP and can't currently see a way out. That's understandable.

Do you have any way of phoning women's aid without him listening in? Or could you email / live chat with them (presuming they offer that service) but again in a way which he can't find out?

Can you also try and get an appointment with your own GP, again without him listening in? Whilst they won't be able to discuss his health with you, they can offer you advice and support.

Thirdly can you reach out to any support from third sector organisations such as Carers Outreach?

You sound like a lovely, caring person. Perhaps it's time that you spent a bit more time looking after yourself now? After all if we don't look after ourselves we burn out and can't look after others as well as we would like.

OP, the only way things will change is if you end this relationship.

He doesn’t love you, he needs to control you. He’s lying to you about his health, surely you can see that objectively?

I suspect you don’t actually love him, but you’ve invested so much in this relationship, and given so much away, your friends, family, job, that you need to stay so it wasn’t all for nothing.

I think they're both mentally unwell and stuck in an incredibly unhealthy, co-dependent mess.

You are absolutely delusional @cakedup

It’s a sad and difficult read.

I genuinely think some people enjoy being stuck in this kind of dynamic. They know it's dysfunctional/abusive but get something out of it in some way.

Sorry OP but this guy is very clearly an abusive lying shitbag and is taking you for an absolute ride. No way is a GP phoning him every day. I’m willing to bet these diaries you write are never seen by a doctor either. He’s taken you to a token number of appointments to make it seem convincing.

I’d also bet good money he’s lying about the good relationship he supposedly has with his adult kids and they have washed their hands of him years ago, as has the ex wife.

His condition is “flaring up” and he needs you most whenever you try to do something for yourself. Not a coincidence. Wanting to keep the phone open at all times is completely insane. What he’s done is carefully and cleverly manipulate you into being totally enmeshed and dependent. He’s throwing you just enough crumbs to make you think this is “love” while exploiting you for all he can get. You can’t see it because you don’t want to see it, because it’s less painful to believe he’s essentially a good person than it is to admit the brutal truth - I know, I’ve been there myself. Now I look back in horror at what I endured.

Please, please, please have a look at the Freedom Program and read up on emotional abuse and coercive control. Talk to any local domestic abuse services. Talk to trusted friends and family. Please get help. He will destroy your sanity and ruin your life.

Why would you be with someone who cares so little for your son whohas his own issues without your partner trying to limit his life ?

It is quite distressing to read the fact he even attempted to exert this kind of control and stop your teenage son from socialising and doing basically regular normal activities.
How incredibly selfish and self-centred.

But I’m wondering why would you not prioritise your son and distance yourself immediately from such a man? This is awful on your part tbh.

I fear you're wasting your breath

Yikes,
I understand that it can be frustrating to read what feels like incomprehensible explanations and justifications of behaviour most of us find reprehensible, and would remove ourselves from sharpish. That's our privilege. But that's not how coersive control works from the inside. That's why it is incredibly difficult to prove in court, despite it having been a criminal offence for quite some time now: victims appear complicit in the surrender of agency. Here we are.

At this point, can we refrain from discussing OP in 3rd person and ‐unless intended to be supportive- quit with the 'mentally unwell' shtick. Why not say 'depressed' or 'anxious' or 'suffering' or 'overwhelmed'? 'Delusional' and 'mentally unwell' read harshly and lacks care, almost as if you're blaming OP's predicament on her own mental health.

OP, there is help. What he's doing isn't right. Were you to call a multi agency meeting with GP and adult social care in your borough or local authority in your capacity of primary carer, how would he respond? That should tell you all you need to know. No obstruction or obfuscation, he should go willingly into this, knowing the present situation is curtailing your quality of life. Love sets free: he should want this for you and actively support it.

She literally just thanked someone who expressed concern she was dealing with mental health issues herself.
So you can't presume to know what is best or speak for OP either.
A lot of people have given a lot of time to writing considered, compassionate answers. There is a lot of invaluable life experience in this thread. Some will hit home more than others, but people are really trying.
There might be an element of frustration with OP at times but that's life too, if you have known anyone in an abusive relationship, things seem so clear from the outside.
To a lot of people to say mentally unwell isn't 'shtick' as you call it. It is reality and nothing that should be taboo or to be ashamed of.

At this point, can we refrain from discussing OP in 3rd person and ‐unless intended to be supportive- quit with the 'mentally unwell' shtick. Why not say 'depressed' or 'anxious' or 'suffering' or 'overwhelmed'? 'Delusional' and 'mentally unwell' read harshly and lacks care, almost as if you're blaming OP's predicament on her own mental health.

This comes across as so incredibly patronising.

I'm actually "mentally unwell" myself in that I'm diagnosed with two different MH disorders alongside my autism. There's nothing wrong with saying you think someone is mentally unwell - it's not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about, just like someone wouldn't be ashamed of being asthmatic or diabetic.

Achillo and Fields, OK, point taken. For disclosure, poor mental health is a big feature in my family's life, with a lot of support from the medical profession and allied agencies over the years, so I definitely do not want to come across as patronising. And I definitely wasn't referring to OP's poor mental health as 'shtick', but rather the responses which seemed to express frustration and impatience with OP and dismiss their obvious difficulties in processing what is happening to her as 'delusional' and 'mentally unwell'. To me, it sounded dismissive, but I can see now that it might have come across as tone policing as a result of misjudging intent. I'm probably just sensitive; I've heard chat like this for years, supporting and advocating for close family members with mental health conditions. Absolutely not trying to offend.

Idk if you saw this post op.

Where are these reports being sent to? A normal address or an NHS.uk / NHS.net address?

It hasn’t occurred to me they perhaps weren’t even being sent to the GP practice. Unless it’s an official address, he could even have set up an alternative email address, which looks vaguely official and be sending them to himself on a different email platform.

This sounds very much like something he could potentially do from what you’ve described. He’s already doing similar sorts of things.

Its really not nasty to try to help you recognize that, at a deep level, you get something you value out of this horrible relationship and are actively sabotaging and hurting the other relationships you claim to value to protect it.

Relationships that your idealized self would value: work, work ethics, your son, a social life, family relationships, travel, further education, your retirement, volunteering, etc…

Relationship that you actively pursue and protect: service to him.

That is the only relationship that, despite discomfort and even the occasional disloyal thought or act of resistance, you keep returning to.

I understand that even posting this complaint was a scary step! It could lead to change in the relationship. Maybe even an end.

But you construct ed it to put your thumb in the scale towards staying. You have to ask yourself, honestly, whether you hoped MN would affirm your perfect martyrdom for your DH? Its very significant that the title gives him the more honorable title of DH when he is just an uncommitted boyfriend.

Its very significant that you spent this thread downplaying the real harms posters have shown you arise from this relationship.

It is very hard to leave an abusive, controlling, relationship. A woman in the UK ended up killing her (beloved) husband in a fugue state to escape. Can’t remember her name but her son’s testified the situation was intolerable for her.

Don’t be that woman. It is unnecessary. You are not married and not living together. Get therapeutic and social support and detox from this addiction. A real life and perhaps a healthy relationship with a healthy partner is out there.

It is very hard to leave an abusive, controlling, relationship. A woman in the UK ended up killing her (beloved) husband in a fugue state to escape. Can’t remember her name but her son’s testified the situation was intolerable for her

I think you mean Sally Challen.

Yes. Sally Challen. The Guardian coverage is very good. That poor woman did not know which end was up by the end.

But you construct ed it to put your thumb in the scale towards staying. You have to ask yourself, honestly, whether you hoped MN would affirm your perfect martyrdom for your DH? Its very significant that the title gives him the more honorable title of DH when he is just an uncommitted boyfriend.

Yes. For me, it really stood out that 'DH' was used in the title, and it's relevance to his apparent worthiness. (Even if it were subconsciously so) It wasn't merely a typo.

Edited to add: uncommitted boyfriend sums him up. Every time I've read him referred to as DP, I do not see a partner here at all. Certainly not a partnership.

Uncommitted boyfriend sums him up. Every time I've read him referred to as DP, I do not see a partner here at all. Certainly not a partnership

Nope. Nothing the OP has posted about this individual over the last few years (I've lost count) is positive.

He's selfish, abusive, a liar, a demanding alcoholic, a chain smoker, he harasses the OP when she tries to get rid of him and is a hoarder into the bargain. And that's before we examine his lies about his medical condition and his coercive control over the OP with regard to the daily symptom lists (for what - for whom) and the open phone line. Not forgetting his nonsense about the daily GP call.

Truly a Prince among men.

Wake up, OP.