Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

If the OP’s self-esteem can only ever come from the approval of this man, I can see why they are reluctant to give this up. She is getting fuel from the relationship too and from the attention of our responses on here. Some insight would be a starting point but there is virtually none, only denial. For the OP to acknowledge the underlying emptiness, lack of self-worth or depression in her life that the unreasonable demands and constant drama of this man distract her from, and to work on building self-esteem would be a start.

It is very hard to leave an abusive, controlling, relationship. A woman in the UK ended up killing her (beloved) husband in a fugue state to escape. Can’t remember her name but her son’s testified the situation was intolerable for her

I doubt it is, but this is a woman with a job and her own home. She isn’t trapped like so many women who post on here.

She could seek help without him ever being aware.

It is very hard to leave an abusive, controlling, relationship. A woman in the UK ended up killing her (beloved) husband in a fugue state to escape. Can’t remember her name but her son’s testified the situation was intolerable for her.

You're not wrong, but OP isn't trapped. She has her own home, a job and her independence (on paper, at least). She is, at least on some level, actively choosing to stay with this man.

Ha, x-post with @Merryoldgoat .

I truly feel for the OP—from wherever she started (with whatever self esteem or insight) she has fallen into the boyfriend’s disordered, delusional, and coercive world. This can happen to anyone in any capacity: doctor’s and therapist’s and social workers all find patients like the boyfriend very hard to treat snd very hard to resist. Even professionals sometimes fall into the trap of thinking “I alone can protect this helpless person” or “I alone appreciate this tortured soul.” How much more so a vulnerable, sentimental, kindly woman whose self esteem is flattered by this arrogant man condescending to rely on her?

It will take an enormous, courageous, and painful act of willful severing to let the OP end this relationship and start life over as a free woman. And freedom comes at a cost—it is delightful and scary! It will include hours of time that OP will find frighteningly empty of meaning and purpose. Those hours will be empty of his voice, his needs, his emergencies, and OP will, at first, not know how to focus on her work, her son, her friends, or her own life.

She is going to feel like a twin whose other half has vanished.

That is all to say that the OP is not going to find it easy even if a miracle intervenes and he drops dead tomorrow or if she were to suddenly take our advice and walk away.

OP is both a victim and a participant in this man’s reign of terror. She can leave but she will need s ton of support. I think we can’t know whose words on this thread will move her to insight and then to action. I don’t think its necessarily the nice ones or the brutally honest ones. Hopefully the totality of the voices here all of whom reject OP/BF’s delusional world view, will start an avalanche and will eventually impel her to free herself.

You eat out once a week but you can't go to work for fear of exposure? Surely you can see that that doesn't add up. It very much sounds like he's using the risk to control you.

“He is s bit old fashioned “ is one of the ways OP rewrites the interaction to preserve her illusion that her abuser is some courtly, old fashioned, generous partner.

I feel like this must be a form of abuse. Putting people into impossible situations- ie giving them responsibility to keep someone else awake and not even be with them. This must be so stressful.

I meant to reply to this.

I was with someone a few years ago who was a HGV driver. He would ring me sometimes and say "Rainbow, I've not slept and I'm terrified of falling asleep at the wheel. I need you to talk to me"

The first time he did this, I happened to have time to chat. On subsequent occasions though, I couldn't and he would say "So you're basically telling me to fuck off, then?"

I look back now, and I see a nasty, abusive and selfish man. He was like this with his friends, too. His last ex ran off with his best friend and of course he was devastated about this. At no point did he ever question his own behaviour.

I imagine his ex and his best friend probably bonded over their collective nasty experiences and decided to run away together. He deserved it.

I think all of us responding to OP's posts are also giving her the "charge" she seems to get from obsessing over this man. OP doesn't sound as though she wants to extricate herself from this hideous situation. I'm out.

I think its absolutely real but the problem for the commentators is that the OP’s goal is not critical self evaluation and change but really an elaborate humblebrag. I don’t doubt that she has many “WTF” moments when she posts asking for help—given her limited social circle and the self imposed prison she lives in a random, anonymous, online community is the fastest way to get attention and discussion. But ultimately she also wants the comfort of admiration for her martyrdom since this does not require painful work.

Yanbu

I have a life limiting illness and my dh is currently in hospital recovering from a life changing operation

Its ok to feel you can't cope. I worry about how he will cope with my illness and I also have to cope with his while i am also ill

Can you get support?

If you don't live full time tigether. How is he managing? Can you have some down time and fun then?

It was during covid and to do with keeping him safe. He has actually done a lot for ds regarding getting support at school for various issues.

I really, really do not. Never mind, I'm sure you know me best.

I would have been happy with just a couple of pages of replies. It's not my fault so many people have posted.

To be fair, you can't control how many replies you get. Especially to a thread with such alarming levels of worrying behaviour.

I think you've not had so many replies before, so I can understand why you would be overwhelmed. However, you've really laid bare the minute details of some truly crazy behaviour this time, so no wonder a lot of people found it deeply concerning.

Plus, its a bank holiday weekend. People have more time to comment.

It is stressful and I hate doing it. He apparently shouldn't sleep longer than 20 mins when in a certain state of drowsiness, which is often (apparently advised by gp). I spend so much time calling his name down the phone to keep him awake. Sometimes I can't rouse him even if I'm physically there. Then he wakes up feeling worse and often annoyed with me. It's one thing I am definitely going to stop. I cannot go on being responsible for keeping him awake, especially if it's all day long.

It must be hard to lay your life open to so many people and to get so many replies that are not “oh poor you.” But you can give yourself all that sympathy, can’t you? You asked are you being unreasonable? The answer is: you are being unreasonable to do the same thing over and over and expect to get a different result.

You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Your boyfriend will never change—or rather he will get worse over time as his horrible coping skills (hoarding, smoking, drinking, demanding attention, threatening suicide are all coping skills) fail to bring him satisfaction and peace.

I, like a lot of other posters, have given time and thought to your problem because it is truly horrific and sad that a lovely, kind, person such as you describe is being ground to nothing in service of the man you have described as a chain smoking, alcoholic, hoarder with an arrogant attitude and some paltry math skills.

Your situation is not at all mysterious: you have described it quite clearly. Is the only thing wrong with my analysis that I have observed that you get something out of it? Does that touch you in the raw? Its normal and right to get something out of a romantic relationship, surely? Or are we supposed to admire your sacrifice? That is not going to happen: none if us think this man’s needs outweigh yours or your childs.

Fantastic! Reading this is like seeing someone start to pull one foot out of quicksand!

Stop being his external structure and helpmeet. Take the saved time and get therapy to manage slowly removing the rest of his grappling hooks.

I wish you all the best!

Yes I can see that but the way he justifies it is that he needs to get out and enjoy some quality of life and we as a couple should be able to date to keep our relationship alive. Whereas with my work, he sees schools as the worst breeding grounds for covid etc. Going to a quiet restaurant on a quiet night sitting at our own table is not the same as interacting with 30 eight year olds, in his eyes.

Thank you so much.

Yes I am going to ask to attend an appointment at his gp practice - apparently his gp has already suggested this anyway.

It doesn't mean everything about him is untrue or the worst possible scenario. We go out with his lovely adult dd and her dp sometimes. She is a scientist and couldn't get any more grounded.

I will mention the diaries at the gp appointment. I'd like to know why has it been necessary to do this for the past several months? Surely they have enough info if they want an idea of a typical week.

Thanks for the advice, I will definitely take it on board.

That's such a good idea. Maybe you could use the opportunity to ask if some of these rules are necessary, and whether what he's asking of you is reasonable or appropriate. Maybe even just show the GP your original post.

It is stressful and I hate doing it. He apparently shouldn't sleep longer than 20 mins when in a certain state of drowsiness, which is often (apparently advised by gp). I spend so much time calling his name down the phone to keep him awake. Sometimes I can't rouse him even if I'm physically there

Please speak to a medical professional about this. It sounds bizarre.
You cannot be there 24 7.
If he needs a carer 24 7 then they need to refer him to ss