Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

On one of your other threads a few yeas ago he stopped your son from doing his DoE or going to the cinema and Tesco with friends because he could bring Covid back home and infect your prize of a partner. Clearly he doesn't affect your son in any way... 🙄

Yeh this - surely you can see right through this?

Because if you read the OP’s posts, she’s no longer physically going into work. She is at home, with her phone lines open to her partner 8am till midnight. She reports conversations with her boss, ones that her partner is privy to (unbeknownst to her boss).

Im not sure how you could be a TA from home.

Because TA’s go into schools and OP has said she’s not allowed to go into school. So she can’t possibly be working.

Thinking about it, everytime I've tried to go no contact, even for a break, something happens and he needs my help. Usually to do with his children as he knows I can't ever not respond to a text that says 'ds upset, can you help'

Why can't you not respond? It's not as if you can do anything to help them, and they seem to have plenty of other people they can go to for help and support. If my children were upset, I would regard it as solely mine and my family's responsibility to deal with it, not someone who doesn't know them living an hour away.

How do you know the GP even reads this diary?

Why do you have to listen to him on the phone? What does it achieve? Why not say that you have to go off to work with children and will be turning your phone off for the rest of the day?

How do smoking and drinking fit in with his healthy diet?

Giant cell arteritis and high blood pressure would not require a patient to be kept awake. Rather the reverse.

There's no GP in the world making daily phone calls to someone with this condition, nor asking for a 'diary'. Surely they'd prescribe ongoing medication and review it periodically. Why on earth would a GP need a daily update on sleep patterns, etc?!

I would bet my house that this man doesn't have very much wrong with him at all, or a much lesser version of whatever he is pretending to have that requires him to have OP literally on call every waking moment. And that she can't do her job (too many germs!) but the cinema, theatre and PUB (fucks sake) are all fine.

oh and his blood pressure is a huge problem, he's had lots of TIAs, huge stroke risk and he cannot eat a scrap of processed food, but he can smoke and drink all weekend - which his phantom GP 'accepts'.

surely this thread can't be real?! Nobody could be this foolish to believe all these lies?! It's like some far fetched podcast episode...

I can't read this drivel anymore. As if a doctor would accept drinking and smoking in someone with giant cell arteritis - both make the condition worse. The diary thing is nonsense. The open phone line is nonsense. This post is at least partly made up attention seeking drama queen crap. Do us all a favour and give it a rest.

I just hope the OP’s DS escapes soon. I suspect his mh will markedly improve when he does. And if he has any sense he’ll go nc.

@cakedup Could you please tell me what the point of your original post really was? What did/do you hope to achieve? Because you don't seem to take on board any advice people here have been giving. What do you want?

Your question was "Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness". However, you do you not appear to care whether people think it's unreasonable or not. So, please tell me - what is the point of this thread?

As a GP I can't believe this either!

Presumably because she sensibly refused to run round after him.

Yet he doesn't feel that it's heartless to have destroyed most of your friendships and family relationships, and seriously messed up your job, all because he doesn't want to use basic aides, give up smoking and drinking, and have carers helping? Do you think that is acceptable?

I think it's obvious at this point that OP is pretty mentally unwell.

Looking at previous posts, the "D"P clearly comes across as a controlling oddball, antivaxxer (although has now had them) no academic qualifications as barely attended school but advises local MP on political matters, consultant on sports psychology, helped his daughter with her PhD in quantum physics. I know people can be very, very bright without formal education, but this veritable cross between Master Yoda and Leonardo da Vinci is also taking a wrecking ball to your life (without the damage it will have done to your son, and it will)

OP, he has sensed weakness and done a total number on you. He continues to do a number on you, because you seem weirdly in awe of someone most of us would recognise as a controlling fantasist.

We had a patient who called us every day. She had a neurological condition and it affected their memory. It was really hard and in the end we realised that a quick call of a minute to speak was all they needed so used to do it just before we went home she still called the receptionist frequently but they just told her we would phone and we did. But this is the only case in a 33 year career.

I have looked after many chronically ill patients and terminal patients and looked after my husband when he was dying and never contacted a patient daily. Also how are you sending the diaries to the GP? what is the end of the email address...should be a secure one....with NHS.uk or NHS.net in it. It won't be Gmail!

OP what is it that you wanted from this thread, is it a hand hold/ general support/advice?

Relationships with this level of enmeshment / codependency are the most stable kind there is. Usually the only thing that ends them is death.
OP has stated no intention to leave him or address any if it.
I think we should all just go back to our Easter eggs?

@nolongersurprised @IAmThe1AndOnly

I was only picking up on the suggestion that TAs don't work. Which of course they do. But granted, not really anything to do with the thread.

It looks to me as if OP is working from home in an altogether different role; not as a TA, because a) a TA is a site specific role (in a school) and b) she mentions 'talking to her boss', which isn't a phrase I've come across many TAs using. Even if OP was a TA before, perhaps she's changed roles to enable the arrangement she has with her charge.

He continues to do a number on you, because you seem weirdly in awe of someone most of us would recognise as a controlling fantasist

Controlling fantasists, often, IMO, tip over into being frankly delusional.

That’s why I do believe this thread. OP’s previous threads describe a paranoid, controlling peculiar man. He’s a hoarder, which in itself is a complex mental health issue. Covid exacerbated and accelerated his mental health worries, now he has a rare vasculitis to centre his odd rules around.

objectively, none of the rules make sense. The OP can’t go to work - because of his immune system - but he can go to the theatre, restaurants, the pub and the cinema. She has to watch for drowsiness for 16 hours/day but not overnight 🤷‍♀️. His body is a temple that requires only processed food but he smokes and drinks.

Hopefully this thread has opened the OP’s eyes, even a bit, although presumably the previous threads didn’t either

I posted on here because I felt desperate. Some of the posts here are definitely helping me to see how unhealthy my situation is and that I need to make changes, which I will do.

Some of the posts here have been spot on, great advice etc. and I've used the thanks button because there's nothing more to say. My 'one liners' intend to just answer some of the questions.

Perhaps you're right, I shouldn't have posted. Because these threads always end up the same way. They start getting a little bit nasty, kicking a dog while it's down and making judgement based on assumptions that are just untrue. And then the "well let her ruin her ds life if thats what she wants".

I know posters are thinking I've posted before and nothing has changed. It's not true. Dp no longer stays in my house. And I did put in some boundaries which worked for a while. But gradually, it got worse again and the health issues have complicated things and put me on the backfoot.

I just needed some strength and perspective which I have got from this thread. But please don't expect me to end my relationship overnight based on directives from strangers, that's not how real life works.

I will say it again, I am so grateful for the time people have spent to support me on here. It won't go to waste I promise. Please be patient.

You are so right with the odd rules. There are lots of them that dont make sense or just puts unnecessary restrictions on things. At the start I just thought it was part of his quirky charm.

I'm not a TA and never have been. I develop and organise education programmes for school and communities.

Thank you.