Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

He ended it?!

That's a really nasty thing to say. I have a very good relationship with my son.

So thank you for the links everyone but I would have had to be a special kind of stupid to not have thought about looking it up myself, ive spent hours and hours doing it, please don't insult me.

Based on the rest of your posts you can hardly blame us for doing so. You refuse to listen to anybody about how utterly abusive and controlling he is being. Did you ask DS that question earlier with the phone line unmuted? Or did you actually hang up for a change so you two could have privacy?

OP, have you ever actually sat in a room with him (not via phone) and heard a doctor discuss his condition?

To be honest you just pick up on any post that it easy to flick away with a one-liner, or some bit of highly debatable argument from yourself.
You completely gnore any of the profound posts encouraging why and how you need to understand that this all about you and your son is the biggest concern.
What do you actually want from this process of posting here?
At least admit you have no intention of looking at yourself or challenging yourself in any way.
At the moment it feels like pouring away energy to engage.

How have things been today op? have you managed to back off a bit?

you must be feeling very overwhelmed with all the advice and comments, please take it at your own pace wrt implementing advice. this man has conditioned you for a long long time, any change will take time. please look after yourself, journalling might be a good way make sense of things.

I think you should book counselling therapy for yourself. And turn your phone off during sessions.

I actually think you have no idea how much self sabotage you are doing, how you are enabling your own demise and how to feel ok by yourself.

And I’m sorry to say it but this behaviour is 100% affecting your son. Ask the child of any parent in an abusive relationship. The parent always thinks the child is unaffected.

I hope the OP isn’t doing his washing and cleaning as well. I know there’s only one habitual room in his house due to the hoarding (it must all smell so bad) but she’s made his perceived comfort her life’s mission - I hope it’s just his emotional well being and she’s not washing this grown man’s clothes as well

*habitable, not habitual.

You send a text and say this is not working out, then you block the bastard.

It's that simple.

I don't doubt he has an illness OP, I think there's an element of truth in what he's saying and he's using those elements as proof to you, to further his lies and push his agenda. He's a manipulative conniving abuser.

If he can't leave the house except to go to the cinema, then you truly do just block him and never go back to him.

The DH gets his narcissistic supply from her—and OP gets her narcissistic supply from him. When a relationship like that is threatened each side will do whatever it can to bring the object back—the Boy friend gets sick, stressed, threatens self harm or collapse and demands service. OP literally asks for help and then sabotages herself by denying everything she just wrote: denies self interest (“I don’t get anything out of this relationship!) Denies harm (“my son is fine.”) Denies abuse (he’s wonderful to me!) all in service of maintaining the status quo. Because although its awful and destructive it is very important to OP not to lose this man’s attention.

My mum would’ve said the same. I loved her a great deal. But the partner she chose sucked the life out of her and if she had lived long enough that it became a choice she’d have rarely seen me whilst she was with him.

As it is she died and all I feel is anger at the waste of her life with man who was emotionally and financially abusive.

And whilst I’m angry with him, I’m more angry with her for the continual poor choices she made staying with him.

Listening to your son when he interrupts your time with your partner will not ameliorate the shitty environment your useless partner brings, no matter what you tell yourself.

OP, this sounds so very difficult and you have been in my thoughts. Your situation is one of the most disturbing things I have ever read on Mumsnet, and with all the troll threads and fictional scenarios going around, I did ask Mumsnet HQ about it. They assured me you seem genuine. This man appears to have harassed you and your son for years.

This is NOT a good relationship. His demands are outrageous, unethical and illegal. MH issues or not, that is not love. He has a responsibility for himself and he is not taking it.

So, how can we help you help yourself? Where do you want to be this time next year, or in five years?

I wish you and your son all the best.

Maybe at the moment, but once he leaves home and realises you put a lying abuser’s demands above him he will almost certainly think differently.

I assume your DS isn’t allowed out in case he brings back germs which might do damage to this abuser who is not only destroying your mother’s life but yours as well.

It is so difficult being in this situation. Re my previous covid thread, I did actually try to split up with him a few times. Even though I loved him I knew it wasn't healthy. But he made it impossible. I can't describe it. And now the longer it's gone on, the more difficult it is. And now with him being so sick...it would feel utterly heartless to split up with him. rubbish. You didn’t end things because you get your own kick out of being in this relationship. You’re here because you want to be.

as for him being so ill he might drop dead at any minute, frankly if he really was and most of what he’s told you wasn’t a pack of lies and he was still drinking and smoking I’d be telling him he had no-one to blame but himself.
I actually don’t have a great deal of sympathy here. I think in some way you’re loving this. You know that most of what he’s telling you is lies and yet you stay. And let’s be honest, if he collapses on the phone there’s not really anything you can do about it.

Morning OP.

I do hope you continue to post, I am sure these replies have been difficult to read.

Your replies have all been very defensive and I suppose pp will be wondering why you even posted at all.

Of course you don't need to reply to people asking what changes you have made in a day, I guessing you haven't even taken in most of this thread yet.

You don't owe anyone updates and blow for blow accounts of what's happening now. As long as you are now aware of what may or may not be, take time to digest it all, maybe you will start to see things from a different angle.

Just remember that it is okay to put yourself first though, even though you may have been conditioned to not believe that.

I wish you and your ds all the best.

OP, you have had a lot of criticism and a lot of psychological theories as to what motivates you to keep on with this relationship with a selfish man who controls you to do his bidding while permanently living at death’s door.

The only theory I can 100% agree with is the one that states your DS is suffering even though you insist he isn’t at all. The questions you asked him weren’t wide enough or deep enough and even though you were reassured by his responses, I feel you are fooling yourself.

Your original post tells us how very harsh this man’s demands are on you personally and on your day to day life and that you simply can not cope any more. You also told us that you tried to leave him several times even in the years before he became ill. So throughout all of your son’s teen years, he has had to witness your suffering. Your son lives those demands on you second hand. They affect him too. During the covid years, this dysfunctional relationship was actually playing out right in front of his eyes in your son’s home. And now he sees your indecision and inaction to help yourself as if you don’t matter at all. He must be hurting so much to know you are suffering for nothing. There is nothing worthy in what you are doing. You aren’t serving this man well by not leaving him when you really can’t stand it any more. Your son can sense all of this and is learning to mask his feelings just as you do every day.

How can you not see that the damage to your son, through your inaction to assert yourself and to meet your own needs and his, has been immense during his formative years ?

I fear you are in danger of a very bleak future. You have already lost yourself and any will to strive for a nice life for yourself and your son. You will eventually lose the man who holds you prisoner anyway but much more importantly you will lose your son and the right to share his future.

OP, please consider that you need to make changes to break free from this nightmare asap in order to make this right with your boy while you still can.
Prioritise your son instead of this selfish man who wants to take you right down with him.
If you can’t do it for yourself, at least do it for your boy.

My concern is with OP's neglected child, not a grown woman in her fifties who knows full well what she's doing.

This. This 100% will be damaging your relationship with your son.

It is so difficult being in this situation. Re my previous covid thread, I did actually try to split up with him a few times. Even though I loved him I knew it wasn't healthy. But he made it impossible. I can't describe it. And now the longer it's gone on, the more difficult it is. And now with him being so sick...it would feel utterly heartless to split up with him

Do you not find the timing of the illness convenient though op? You were making noise about leaving, so he's found the perfect way to reel you in so tightly that you'll be a heartless bitch if you leave him when he's "so ill".

Except it’s unlikely she’s going to lose him unless she dumps him.

it’s obvious he’s nowhere near as ill as he’s pretending, he lies to her about the gp calling him every day, he has made her give up her friends, her family, her job, her previous threads mentioned that she’s a TA so it’s obvious that she’s not actually working but can’t admit she’s quit her job to give her everything to this martyrdom.

This is it. It's all about narcissistic supply for both of them. And supply for a narcissist is like heroin for a addict. The OP is getting more supply here on MN too. That was her aim in creating the thread in the first place and the reason why she continues to post. I see the only way out is that something major happens which triggers narcissistic collapse. Then with a great deal of help the OP might be able to get back on track but it will be a long, slow, painful process but it will ultimately be worth it.

Are you sure? It's relatively easy to fake conversations with consultants, and even to fake hospital and doctors' letters. Have you ever been with him for a medical check up?

I'm really sceptical because I cannot think of any illness which means someone has to be kept awake during normal sleeping hours. Nor does it seem in the least likely that his GP and consultants would lavish so much time on him when he is still smoking and drinking. The only sacrifices he is willing to make are the ones that involve you running around after him.

IAm, "her previous threads mentioned that she’s a TA so it’s obvious that she’s not actually working"
TA as in teaching assistant? Teaching assistants work ‐what are you talking about?

Oh, what a coincidence - you take some time for yourself and suddenly he has all sorts of all-encompassing crises. Why are his son's problems anything to do with you? Why couldn't he pick up the phone to leave a message for his son? If he wants to stay awake, why can't he set phone alarms?