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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

799 replies

cakedup · 30/03/2024 15:53

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Excited101 · 31/03/2024 18:25

Is this what you want for the next 10 years of your life op? It will only get worse.

IAmThe1AndOnly · 31/03/2024 18:40

So now that we’ve established that he’s not terminally ill, is this what you want for the next 30 years?

TheShellBeach · 31/03/2024 18:56

What surprises me more than anything else is that you didn't Google temporal arteritis yourself.

You'd easily have discovered that it isn't terminal. Or that people who have it don't need to avoid public places.

Hedonism · 31/03/2024 19:03

OMFG. So he can go out to dinner, but your life is so limited (on his behalf) that you can't even do part of your job that you used to enjoy?

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on Mumsnet.

Caroparo52 · 31/03/2024 19:08

I can't see the pros for all the negative reasons. Get real. This is all about this filthy selfish man having control over you. Please wise up and seperate from him.

fieldsofbutterflies · 31/03/2024 19:11

I don't think OP will ever leave. This isn't the first thread she's posted about this man and it won't be the last.

There are people who get something out of relationships like this - they need to feel needed and will put up with all manner of abuse in the process.

MrsDoubtfire24 · 31/03/2024 19:11

Op you know he isn’t at deaths door and you know he never was. Yes he’s gaslighting you and controlling you but you have done a pretty good job of gaslighting yourself into believing he might drop dead at any moment.

He has serious issues, but in the kindest way, so have you. You really need to see someone to get to the bottom of why you are allowing this situation to continue. There’s a big world out there. Are you afraid of it?

Is he really the reason you don’t have any sort of social life or friends, or is he the excuse?

IAmThe1AndOnly · 31/03/2024 19:17

TheShellBeach · 31/03/2024 18:56

What surprises me more than anything else is that you didn't Google temporal arteritis yourself.

You'd easily have discovered that it isn't terminal. Or that people who have it don't need to avoid public places.

It’s obvious that the OP is enjoying the sense of importance she gets from all this.

if she genuinely wanted to do the best for him in terms of his illness she would have researched it. But if she did that she’d have to admit that she’s not really needed in the way she clearly needs to be.

fieldsofbutterflies · 31/03/2024 19:23

IAmThe1AndOnly · 31/03/2024 19:17

It’s obvious that the OP is enjoying the sense of importance she gets from all this.

if she genuinely wanted to do the best for him in terms of his illness she would have researched it. But if she did that she’d have to admit that she’s not really needed in the way she clearly needs to be.

Show quote history

Yep, and I'm starting to suspect that this thread is all part of the need for attention.

Athena51 · 31/03/2024 19:25

If this is real, OP has chosen to devote her life to this filthy, abusive, controlling hoarder and clearly won't listen to any good advice. It's her poor son that I feel sorry for. OP you should be ashamed of how you have let him down and continue to do so.

I have plenty of sympathy for him but not a whole hell of a lot for you to be honest.

TiptoeTess · 31/03/2024 19:39

Too immuno-compromised for you to work outside of the home but fine to eat out, go to the cinema weekly?

Every time you try to set a boundary he has a crisis of some kind?

A UK GP rings him every day?? 😂

Won’t use any technology to manage his symptoms?

Come ON, OP. Wake up.

ForestFancies · 31/03/2024 19:41

@cakedup, you absolutely can break up with your boyfriend because he's abusive not being responsible for his condition and expecting you to be his full time 24/7 carer.

This isn't about him being ill with a chronic condition, it's about how he's controlling you. Many of us with partners who have chronic conditions, maintain a healthy relationship of compromise and mutual support of each other.

Mercurysinretrograde · 31/03/2024 20:02

OP, it is morally right to make sacrifices for one’s spouse. That is why we have marriage vows and we take those words literally. But you are sacrificing your career, your relationships with family and friends and your relationship with your son, for someone who you are not married to. You will not inherit a home from him to compensate for your lack of earnings because you can only do half your job because of his immune concerns and having to be on the phone all day to him. If he is really ill and passes away you will simply have reduced income for ever. And he is not helping to raise your son. Have you even met his children? This is a very one-sided relationship where you have the worst of all possible worlds.

TheShellBeach · 31/03/2024 20:03

I'd love to know why his ex-wife ended things.

BigBreaths · 31/03/2024 20:12

I feel like maybe you are a bit in awe of him. You talk about him being a man of science and so intelligent. Do you feel honoured that someone as clever as he is deigns to be with an ordinary brained person like you?

I don't think he is that clever though. He might have a specialist knowledge in a particular area but he isn't good at measuring risk or keeping his space clean and tidy or taking responsibility for his health. I see elsewhere that he belittles your job. The not letting you do aspects of it is entirely because he doesn't perceive that it is a worthy or important job worth 'risking his health' (in his eyes) for. Whereas smoking and drinking and cinema and theatre and eating out, those are worth the risk.

You ARE worth more than a man who thinks cigarettes are more valuable than your favourite bit of your job. You ARE worth more than someone who treats you work with such disdain.

TheHighPriestess1 · 31/03/2024 20:17

TheShellBeach · 31/03/2024 20:03

I'd love to know why his ex-wife ended things.

I think we can guess

PonyPatter44 · 31/03/2024 20:47

@BigBreaths , brilliant post.

Therealjudgejudy · 31/03/2024 21:58

This has to be one of the most messed up relationships I've ever read about on here.

The listening in to your work calls is outrageous op...can you afford to loose your job if your boss finds out?

I feel so sorry for your son. You have dragged him into this toxic shitshow.

Merryoldgoat · 31/03/2024 22:04

Athena51 · 31/03/2024 19:25

If this is real, OP has chosen to devote her life to this filthy, abusive, controlling hoarder and clearly won't listen to any good advice. It's her poor son that I feel sorry for. OP you should be ashamed of how you have let him down and continue to do so.

I have plenty of sympathy for him but not a whole hell of a lot for you to be honest.

Edited

Yup - and then she’ll wonder why he stays away and doesn’t want to see her when he’s grown up.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 31/03/2024 22:42

Therealjudgejudy · 31/03/2024 21:58

This has to be one of the most messed up relationships I've ever read about on here.

The listening in to your work calls is outrageous op...can you afford to loose your job if your boss finds out?

I feel so sorry for your son. You have dragged him into this toxic shitshow.

Yes. I've read so many threads in the Relationships board over the years. Some of them have been pretty shocking. Most posters admit though, that they recognise they have a trauma bond, or mental health issues themselves.

I'm not sure what can be said that will shock the OP into action. Her own son has SEN. We are nearly 22 pages in, OP has had previous threads whereby she recognises she is in an abusive and controlling relationship. She's described some of the worst behaviours most of us have ever read about, yet she doesn't seem to grasp it.

OP, imagine a good friend told you this story. What would you advise them?

Oh. I forgot. You don't have any friends or family left.

Your DS is highly likely to be the next one who you also never see again.

betterangels · 31/03/2024 22:52

You sound like you have a saviour complex, and he's clocked it and is keeping you trapped in this fucked up situation.

You can't save this man. He doesn't actually need saving, OP.

nolongersurprised · 31/03/2024 23:07

betterangels · 31/03/2024 22:52

You sound like you have a saviour complex, and he's clocked it and is keeping you trapped in this fucked up situation.

You can't save this man. He doesn't actually need saving, OP.

The OP doesn’t want to accept that he’s not at death’s door though, does she? Because their relationship dynamic only works if he is desperately unwell and unstable (he isn’t)

Hairyfairy01 · 31/03/2024 23:18

So his house is a mess yet you / he can't go out much as he is worried about picking up germs?

He is at risk of having a bleed on the brain and has high blood pressure yet drinks and smokes heavily at weekends?

So you / he needs to be listening to each other for hours on end but not after midnight?

So his doctor calls him everyday. But not presumably at weekends? And if he doesn't answer this doctor doesn't have any duty of care to follow it up at all? And this doctor presumably has lots of spare time and is never off sick or on annual leave?

And he doesn't require any additional help from physios or OT's at all? Just this doctor calling everyday?

Original poster
cakedup · 31/03/2024 23:46

TheShellBeach · 31/03/2024 18:56

What surprises me more than anything else is that you didn't Google temporal arteritis yourself.

You'd easily have discovered that it isn't terminal. Or that people who have it don't need to avoid public places.

Of course I have, we have researched it numerous times. But his diagnosis came late when damage was done and he did not respond to the initial short term steroids he was given. Its interlinked with his ridiculously high blood pressure, he is regularly high enough to be at risk of stroke. He has had several TIAs which also signify onset of a major one. He is on a waiting list to be admitted for a weeks stay at a neurological centre, as scans have shown anomalies on his brain. I haven't even mentioned that he has prostate and back problems which require surgery but noone will touch him with his bp that high. And arteritis is an autoimmune disease. So thank you for the links everyone but I would have had to be a special kind of stupid to not have thought about looking it up myself, ive spent hours and hours doing it, please don't insult me.

OP posts:
Astartn · 31/03/2024 23:54

He is at risk of having a bleed on the brain and has high blood pressure yet drinks and smokes heavily at weekends?

Yeah this isn’t adding up, I think if you really want to help him you’d be better pointing him in the direction of smoking cessation and alcohol reduction programmes instead of being on call for him most of the day. I’d find it hard to stand by and watch someone I love destroy themselves like that . And I’d be quite annoyed too that they were happy to burden me with the impact of their lifestyle choices.