Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

I'm guessing he's told you he has a brain tumour.

OP, have you actually ever sat in a room with him and a medical professional and heard them discuss his illness?

Yes and that is the point of the boundary. It has to be enforced. He will not like it. It might make him a bit ill but surely that’s better than him losing you entirely?

You sound so sucked in and enmeshed in this utterly toxic situation that you can't see the wood for the trees. If he's ill enough to have daily phone calls from his GP (mind boggling) there would be a lot of support help available, even in the current climate.

So he chooses not to accept any such support and puts his (selectively) compromised immune system at risk as and when it suits him, while expecting you to go against your professional standards and risk the sack. The moment a boundary is put in place by you he becomes more "ill".

You may think you love him OP but it sounds more like a Messiah/saviour complex to me. Down to you though, it's your job and physical and mental health on the line.

Just hang up! What will happen if you actually just hang up? I bet the world won't end and he'll still be here tomorrow.

When I was a teenager I had a boyfriend who always had some apparently major health issues that meant he was nearly dying, so I spent ages worrying about him, on the phone with him, trying to make his life better blah blah. One day I just stopped. And guess what - the world didn't end and 25 years later, he's still alive and kicking.

No. Nothing particularly confidential is being breached in that way, although I accept its still wrong.

I was meant to go to his place last night but told him I needed time alone. He then went downhill with health.

I don't doubt he is unwell but I think he is using it as a way to control you. It seems convenient that his health deteriorates as soon as you're unable to stay on line.

I don't think your boss would be happy if they knew he was listening in.

You don't seem to be taking on board that he's controlling you. Nobody is saying that you should finish it but rather that you should have regular check ins rather than him being on a call to you 8-12. He's basically tracking your every move & that's not normal.

The gp knows about his drinking and smoking, I put it in the diary. At this point they accept it because his bp can get so dangerously high so if it calls him, then it's the lesser of two evils.

The thing is there are times I've offered help and he's refused it. For example offered to come down and get something he needs from the shops. So I feel like he doesn't always want to put me out. But instead, I have to listen to him on the phone, grunt and groan from discomfort/pain whilst he goes out to do it and that's actually more taxing.

For example offered to come down and get something he needs from the shops.

Again, has it occurred to you that he doesn’t want you to come down at that moment because he’s not actually that ill, and if you saw him, you’d realise it?

But instead, I have to listen to him on the phone, grunt and groan from discomfort/pain whilst he goes out to do it and that's actually more taxing.

And that's why he's doing it.

You do not have to listen to anything.

You can just switch off the phone!

This!!! Just hang up!!

The GP knows about his drinking and smoking. I put it in the diary

Why can't he write his own diary?
You work. He doesn't. He has all day to write his diary.

And why is he struggling to get to the shops anyway? I thought you said he was at risk of Covid? And, presumably, other infections? He should be getting stuff* delivered. *

Unless, of course, he actually wants you to overhear him struggling to get to the shops?

For God's sake. Just hang up the bloody phone and go and live your life.

@cakedup you’re missing the point. This isn’t about him - it’s about you!!!

what do you want your life to look like and move to that. He will need to find someone else to cover what you cannot. There will always be some reason or excuse etc.

also get his children involved.

I think small boundaries is a good idea. Tell him you are tired and having a lie in tomorrow morning and them having coffee with your mum so you’ll catch up with him tomorrow lunchtime. If he’s well enough to go to cinema he’s well enough to smoke outside so next tell him you’re not endangering your own health by being in a smoky atmosphere so he needs to smoke outside and fully air the house. Then each week take a step like that. Start switching phone off for a few hours here and there saying your running errands, watching a film with your son etc. so it becomes the norm to be online to him less and less. If every time you do anything he nearly dies but is ok whenever you’re there or on the phone please realise that and maybe keep a note so you see it is not a coincidence. Immediately refuse to do the daily diary. He can do it as a voice note or a voice to text himself. Start planning one thing a week like having a coffee with friends or family. This is all so sad. If you turn off phone and have 100 missed calls that’s his problem not yours.

For God's sake. Just hang up the bloody phone and go and live your life
**
You know this will never happen

What has he actually got, ?

I just googled illness That makes it dangerous to sleep and got insomnia, sleep apnoea and why sleep is important.

i am calling BS on his behalf, what is his diagnosis as it doesn’t seem to be a recognised medical diagnosis

But instead, I have to listen to him on the phone, grunt and groan from discomfort/pain whilst he goes out to do it and that's actually more taxing.

He needs to set up Ocado - my in laws in their 80s managed to do this when MIL was unwell.

I honestly don’t know where to start….
I do truly feel very sorry for you OP. You clearly care very much for this man, and are trying to support him with his condition. But several things just don’t add up….

Having an open phone line is just weird… if he’s worried about falling there are alarm systems he could use. And with his diagnosis he will have been assessed for falls risks as well as other things…. Having him listening into your life from 8am until midnight is just creepy… and it’s only a matter of time before your work find out and you will be sacked. It’s so controlling…..

And the GP phoning every day…. Well, like others I really don’t believe this. We all know how hard it is to get to speak to a GP these days….. yet he is getting daily phone calls? Why? If the GP was that concerned they would have arranged hospital admission. I’m a retired nurse and I have never ever heard of a GP phoning a patient daily. If he truly needs that level of support then he shouldn’t be living alone. I think he’s telling you porkies…..

And if he’s at risk of getting a stroke or brain haemorrhage then he needs to stop smoking…

And finally, you have made the connection… whenever you become unavailable or try to pull back, he becomes unwell, or there’s a drama. Strange coin isn’t it…..

You sound a very caring person, but I think you really need to step back here and give yourself some space.
First, you need to stop the open phone at all times. Tell him someone at work is being investigated for similar and you can’t afford to loose your job. Which you would. You can ring him in the morning, and after work. He can get an alarm if he’s worried or phone his daughter. Or pay for a daytime carer.
Second, you need to make time for your family and friends. Make yourself unavailable to your partner as you are visiting. You aren’t dumping him but you are loosening the chains he’s put around you.

He may have a serious life limiting condition, but he’s got you wrapped round his little finger and it’s not doing you any good long term. Please please start to consider your own needs….

What's in the daily diary, out of interest?

Ugh, I've just had a horrible thought.
You must be able to hear him going to the lavatory.
Yuk.

The gp knows about his drinking and smoking, I put it in the diary. At this point they accept it because his bp can get so dangerously high so if it calls him, then it's the lesser of two evils.

that’s total bullshit. That’s up there with pregnant women who say their midwife told them it would be more harmful to the baby to stop smoking than keep doing it because “stress”.

The thing is there are times I've offered help and he's refused it. For example offered to come down and get something he needs from the shops. So I feel like he doesn't always want to put me out. But instead, I have to listen to him on the phone, grunt and groan from discomfort/pain whilst he goes out to do it and that's actually more taxing.

Because he wants to manipulate you. He wants you to feel sorry for him. He doesn't care about you.

Can't you see how this is affecting your ds? what sort of life is this for him? having his mother be at the beck and call of this abusive man? Why don't you put your ds ahead of this man? If your son could write an AIBU about this situation, what would he say?

You're completely co dependent and enmeshed with this man. You need a trial separation from him to see where he ends and you begin.

Op you haven't addressed the posters asking you how this is affecting your son. Why not?

You say his mh hasn't been great. Are you kidding yourself that this unhealthy, toxic, abusive, controlling relationship you're in has no impact on him?

why are you doing this to yourself and your child?

What you are describing is an addiction OP.
Everyone here has written some of the most insightful, compassionate messages you could find on Mumsnet. They are trying to make an intervention. But you have an answer for all of them.

The truth is you find the level of pain at the moment tolerable. It is nice to vent and offload about it which lets the heat out for a few days. But you have no plans at all to change it. You say it his choice whether to allow you change because he acts up when you do, which of course abdicates you of any responsibility for your life.

The reality is you are only going to change when the level of pain you are in becomes intolerable. From what you have described it will take something catastrophic to happen before you reach that stage.
The problem with that is that you can't control in advance what the catastrophic thing will be. Likely it will be a dramatic threat to life of either yourself or your son with mh issues, that will force you to make him and yourself a priority.
What are accepting now shows that nothing less will wake you up.
I hope if or when something like that happens, that it doesn't break your heart.