Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

And you still haven't told us the all important diagnosis, this illness that requires a daily GP call (🤣) and a daily diary.

This illness which means the man can die of an infection, but still allows him to go to shops, cinemas and theatres.

The illness which needs you to be on the end of the phone for 16 hours a day, but not the 8 hours overnight.

Just what illness could this be, OP?

Overhead conversations or overheard one side of conversations?

What medical paperwork have you looked at?

You do realise that a medical emergency when someone places boundaries, or tries to leave, is so common it’s known as part of the script?

We are on page 18, 427 replies, and STILL no mention of the name of this "illness", plus every time the OP gets called out, the story changes.

I'm calling BULLS**T.

I've jist spoken to ds. Btw his mh condition is diagnosed OCD.

I asked him, how and if my relationship with dp was affecting him in any way. I asked him to be honest, that I respect his opinion and the fact that he is generally a mature, insightful and observant person.

He told me it doesn't affect him, saying he is too wrapped up in his own issues to notice anything else. I said for example, does it annoy you that I'm always on the phone to dp. Ds said no because anytime he wants to talk to me he can and that I always put dp aside if he wants to chat. I checked, so you have no thoughts, feelings, opinions at all about my relationship and any impact and he promised me he doesn't even think about it ever.

What’s your DP’s illness?

So you’ve disclosed your son’s diagnosis but not your partner’s. Why not? I suspect he has self diagnosed made-up-itis

It jist doesn't feel right going into detail. But the poster who was on here earlier who has similar health issues and has been given time frame of life expectancy has pm me to ask and I have told her the exact diagnosis. It's a rare condition, I'm worried that by searching it online this thread will come up on the search.

Op, kindly, do you realise you're in an abusive and controlling relationship and you need to end it?

I'm not saying he hasn't got a health condition, I'm saying it's ok to leave him and he will find a way to manage. He will be absolutely fine. he will have to pay for help and accept help. He won't be too proud then. He doesn't have to be your problem does he?

don't you miss seeing your family and friends? living a normal life? can you see how abnormal your life is by the sheer number of posters who are refusing to believe this is true.

I promise I am listening and I'm going to make changes. Its not easy. I am not enjoying this at all, and although helpful I am not getting any kind if self indulgent satisfaction on here. That's not who I am, I promise. Ironically I didn't stay at his last night to give myself a breather and all I've done is talk about him on here. Although I realise it's necessary.

I am also thinking about myself. If he were to die tomorrow, not only would I be heartbroken to lose someone I love, but to add all this shit to the bereavement, the guilt I would feel...because I could aways point to something I have or haven't done that could have made it better/worse. I am in an ideal position to feel some blame for his death. I don't want to carry that, it would destroy me.

Young people often don't know what neglect is until they have more life experience and spend time in other healthier, more normal homes.
I hope you are not naive enough to think that putting him on the spot like this gives you carte blanche to claim this is not affecting him.
I didn't realise how much my batshit crazy mother affected me until I had my first child and suddenly realised what a mother was supposed to be like.
But honestly I think everyone's heartfelt words are wasted on you as you brush them all away with practiced ease. I wish your son well.

OK, I feel an explanation of his illness is deserved. He has giant cell arteritis which was not properly diagnosed at the start which has meant some of the impact ie vision loss is irreversible. That's the main condition, and unfortunately not the only one.

That’s not a condition that would remotely require a daily GP call or complete control over your life

Listen my lovely, you have nothing to feel guilty about. No one person can carry all that you are carrying without breaking eventually. You have to safeguard your own health and wellbeing for the sake of you and your son. You are not responsible for your partner, he is an adult. It's not fair for him to rely on you so much and refuse outside help. Make the changes you need to to get some of your life back 💐

His vision is impaired. I organise online shopping for him once a week but he is following a specific diet, fresh food no processed. Plus he feels the need to get out, even if its uncomfortable otherwise feels insane being indoors for too long.

Meds he has or hasn't taken, pain/discomfort levels, any episodes of note, sleep patterns.

Why can't he do his own online shopping?

No he doesn't take the phone with him!!

Vision impaired and doesn't use the interent. I do all his internet stuff.

told him I needed time alone. He then went downhill with health. Then apparently his ds got in some kind of trouble so he was calling me up. And he is on the phone to me now, barely verbal, retching

Oh OP....
All because you said no.

He can voice note his diary.

OP your dilemma rang a few bells so I searched for your other threads, and you've had at least 2 about this vile man. I posted on one of them at the time in 2021 - he was living with you and your son then, and being just as controlling and manipulative. You admitted you had called the police on one occasion and on another you asked him to leave and he spent 2 hours harassing you through the letter box and texting you, so you took him back. You must have, at some point gained the courage to get him out and back into his own home, so now you're 'punished' by having to be on an open phoneline with him 16 hrs a day so he can continue to dominate your every waking thought.

It's not unusual for people suffering with illness to use that illness to control those around them - my MIL does it, so does a friend and so does an acquaintance. They are nowhere near as extreme as your partner but there are similarities.

He's done such a number on you that it comes across like Stockholm syndrome. He's a fantasist and a narcissist. You want to go out in public alone and he screams "BUT I COULD DIE!", yet he can go out to the shops, to the pub, to the cinema and theatre and that's acceptable. You are his prisoner - yes your jailer is nice to you and helps you with your maths, but does that really compensate for this diminished existence you are living?

Very sadly, this is all too true.

Also, this rings true:

You may think you love him OP but it sounds more like a Messiah/saviour complex to me. Down to you though, it's your job and physical and mental health on the line.

I think you should see your own GP, OP as what you're involved with is not right, and you clearly can't see that. All this 'devastation' and 'it would destroy me' if he died as you aren't / haven't / won't have done enough (when it's the opposite!) is deeply unhealthy and rather scary.

Edited to add that I also feel like it comes across as Stockholm syndrome or some severe form of trauma bond.

Oh, come on now. My in-laws in their eighties can use the internet.

You're not his carer. Stop enabling this bullshit.

Absolutely. There's some weird martyr/saviour thing going on here and it's not normal.