Aibu to feel I can't cope with dh illness

[cakedup]

I am menopausal so happy to consider this as a factor. Also ds is having mh problems which has been very upsetting.

Been with dp for 5 years, live apart, love him very much. In last couple of years he was diagnosed with a condition which has had a huge impact on his life. I'm living in constant fear that he'll die (possibility of happening anytime and he is unlikely to have longer than 10 years).

Very difficult to manage as not living with him. He stayed with me during covid which caused big problems in our relationship so don't think we can ever live together. But he shouldn't really be living alone, he is not coping. Doctors say he does remarkably well considering the pain and discomfort he is in, he is a very strong character, not a man flu type of person at all. But in a way he makes things worse for himself, many times he has been advised to go to hospital but doesn't.

I stay at his house twice a week. I hate his house, he is a hoarder and it's filthy. I am confined to one room + bathroom. Because of his medical condition I try my best to accommodate him being calm and happy as agitation can bring on symptoms. This means putting my needs aside a lot of the time.

When I'm at home, I have the phone line open to him from 8am - midnight, making sure he is OK, not having seizures etc. I feel I get very little privacy because of this. He is there in the background when I am on work calls, talking to my son, eating lunch etc etc

I used to love my work but no longer do because a lot of the public facing stuff which i loved I can no longer do due to dp having low immunity. I have not spoken or seen friends in over a year and had very little contact with family, theres just been no time. Not helped by the fact that dp constantly criticises both my work and friends, and specifically my mum as they have fallen out (her fault afaic).

He is understandably fed up with his illness and lashes out at me sometimes. For example when he was with his gp and wanted to ask me a question, i didnt get back to him for 12 minutes (i was in a work meeting) so he shouted at me.

Otherwise when able to be, he is very caring and loving. He will do things to make me happy. But feel like most of everything is on his terms. For example if i want to leave his house by 10pm on sunday night so that i travel home for an hour, get a few things done and get to bed at a decent time. But often he doesn't want me to leave so I stay till midnight. He is dominant as it is, wanting things his way and now because of his illness its hard to say no.

He has told me this is no way for him to live, he was extremely able before illness and now has little quality of life. Even talked about assisted dying. It is heartbreaking seeing him like this.

He has listened to so many conversations between my boss and myself he knows it wouldn't be the case. And what if he catches covid because of me? He would most likely die.

I have tried small boundaries but will keep trying. I was meant to go to his place last night but told him I needed time alone. He then went downhill with health. Then apparently his ds got in some kind of trouble so he was calling me up. And he is on the phone to me now, barely verbal, retching (nausea/vomiting is a symptom), saying he needs to stay awake as he is waiting to hear from his son to let him know he is OK. So can you imagine how difficult it is for me to get off the phone right now?

Please don't make fun. This is my life. I cant imagine why anyone would make this up and i certainly wouldnt waste the time of all the people posting here for no reason. I know its frustrating that I won't jist take the word of a bunch of strangers and leave him but it's just not that easy. I promise I am taking it all on board.

@cakedup I think some posters questioning his illness are fair given the extreme nature BUT it doesn’t actually matter in a sense.

the level of care you are having to provide is unreasonable and detrimental to your life PLUS he isn’t making any reasonable adjustments to suit you eg drinking, smoking, messy house, demanding you stay late etc.

say from next week I won’t be available during work hours. You will need to speak to your children or arrange care. Also if my parent was basically terminally ill and living in filth, partaking in reckless behaviour at the weekend I WOULD WANT TO KNOW. So I could help. I’d be livid if his partner didn’t tell me. I would extract myself and say that you and the children, with him need to come up with a long term care plan.

i would bet money he will have a bad reaction to this and I would bet it’s coz there is some lies here. However you don’t want to accept that which is fine but regardless you can’t continue this level of care and work. Also set a target that in the next fortnight you reconnect with someone and set a dinner date or coffee. Don’t let him make you cancel it. If he’s really ill ring an ambulance to him. Coz he needs medical assistance, not a lay person!

How would he most likely die of Covid? Most of the people who were CEV are no longer. If he is still vulnerable his smoking won’t help. And how come he might get it off you, but not on these cinema trips?

to be honest for your sake it might not be the worst thing if he did die soon anyway. It’s a shame you can’t see it.

So you needed a quiet night and suddenly not 1 but 2 emergencies happen?

Why is he on the phone to you waiting for his son to call while making sure you know how very ill he is ? Why isn't he calling his son?

None of it makes sense

I feel claustrophobic just hearing about it.

I know, it is wrong.

OP will not believe that his symptoms are faked and he doesn’t have a major illness. So I don’t think these comments are useful. She is in the grips of an extremely toxic, abusive, relationship and has made herself the servant of this man. She needs an intervention and she needs the freedom program and support for victims of coercive control. This is the inly way she will recognize that she has the need, the right, and any hope of leaving him.

As described man is a hoarder with OCD. Hoarding and ICD go together. He also sounds like he has numerous serious health issues and zero coping skills, an addiction to alcohol and cigarettes, and is high up on the scale for narcissistic and controlling behavior.

Look up Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder in the DSM and you will probably find him.

Please OP get therapy for yourself and call for help. Your posts reveal the distress and confusion that you are experiencing. Its not simple to walk away but you must do it or this man will hollow you out and leave nothing.

I have tried small boundaries but will keep trying. I was meant to go to his place last night but told him I needed time alone. He then went downhill with health.

How convenient.

He’s playing you like a fiddle.

I work in a role that involves school visits and includes discussion of children etc. I work from home sometimes. If one of my children even walks past the room I have to ensure they cannot hear any recognisable info regarding name, school, condition etc. It would most certainly be a sackable offence to have my partner actually listening in.

@cakedup if he goes down hill say
’shall I call you can ambulance or have you called one?’

that’s it. Text message is easier to hold boundaries on when starting out- less emotion. If his health is that bad it needs medical care. Not you. So an ambulance or 111 is fair.

Yeh claustrophobia is a good word to describe it. He has tried calling his son but can't get through. His daughter lives very near to his son but apparently he called her and she's been 'useless'.

Thinking about it, everytime I've tried to go no contact, even for a break, something happens and he needs my help. Usually to do with his children as he knows I can't ever not respond to a text that says 'ds upset, can you help'

Sounds like his daughter has the measure of him. Good for her.

OK this is bullshit. You are a 52 year old woman would you accept this level of crazy behavior from anyone else. If he can’t live alone because he is “retching” from stress he needs to be institutionalized or hospitalized.

You live sn hour away what are you actually doing for him when you need to stay on the line?

There is nothing you are doing for him that needs doing realistically . The phone conversations are not medically necessary and they are not a medical intervention—and you are not medical personnel.

Usually to do with his children as he knows I can't ever not respond to a text that says 'ds upset, can you help'

But you can not respond.
You can ignore anything he says and does.
You choose not to ignore him, and he knows it, and he plays on it.

He's a master manipulator. He's got you exactly where he wants you.

Yes dd is probably fed up.

I hope you do listen to Mumsnet OP. If you stop the phone calls at night he'll start ramping up and then you'll know he's manipulative. We all know it you just need to. For your ds sake.

And what if he catches covid because of me? He would most likely die.

Then he shouldn't even be leaving the house, if he's likely to catch Covid and die.

When people were shielding because of Covid, they had to stay at home.

They certainly didn't go to the cinema or the theatre.

This man is playing you like a violin.

You are clearly caring for him, both emotionally and in other ways.

It is common for carers to burn out, and be totally unable to help care at all.

This is why the general advice is to set boundaries and to look after yourself as well.

It's why respite exists - to give carers a break, they need that otherwise they burn out quicker.

It sounds like he feels unable to cope himself and like he needs emotional support at all times, hence the phone call.

Very few people medically need 24 hour care as that is intensive care level, a lot of people however do not cope well with being ill and want constant reassurance and emotional support.

Given your work is with schools, it's unforgivable of you to allow him to listen. You've not only allowed him to negatively affect your personal life to such an extreme level but are daily compromising the privacy & confidentiality of every single person you speak to, or about.

Yet you don't seem bothered enough to stop him listening? Your moral compass and professional skills appear to be completely absent.
Shame on you.

No apologies for being harsh OP - you must act on this and hang up when at work.

Your not helping allowing him to be so reliant on you long term as what happens if you suddenly become very ill or even die? You could support him to access care arrangements i.e adult social care needs assesment ( but do refuse to be counted as a carer) or speak to charities on care plan and implement the use of various aids.
Pride tends to pass when your struggling and know you need help and want to feel less of a burden on loved ones. I expect he's shunning any form of care/aid solution as it would mean he wouldn't be able to justify needing you so much & then he'd have to loosen his grip over your life. He seems very selfish and doesn't really care about your happiness, needs and safety.

There's a lot here which doesn't sound right and I also think your being hoodwinked & controlled.

The GP daily calls seem very unlikely & surely they'd be pushing more for a care plan if believe patient is so at risk. Do you only hear him talking or also this GPs voice?

Needs you to available all day to keep him awake but manages alone at night. How does he manage his daily tasks independently with his poor vision and bath/shower or cooking are both risky when seizures/falling unconscious a possibility. Smokes & drinks which apart from stroke risk which is his choice, alcohol often doesn't mix well with many meds and is increased risks of falling unconscious or setting house on fire.
It's weird to be highly anxious to have you available, but not use any aids that would actually help in those situations as in reality your an hour away if something happens and will be on emergency services call that you think x has happened but if can't be sure will it be ranked a high priority.

I'm sure this very unhealthy relationship dynamic can't be helping your sons MH when your always 'on' to this guy's needs and there is no privacy at home to talk to you as normal.

But the answer is, no, you can't help, not really.

If his DS is upset then that is not something you can practically do anything about.

He's a big boy and doesn't need you holding his hand 24/7. He might like it, he might want it, but he doesn't need it. You have a confidential job to do and bills to pay and a son to look after.

If I were you (well, if I were you I would be running for the hills, but let's say if I were you and wanted to keep the relationship) I would say to him that all day calls stop immediately, that it is jeopardizing your job but not only that it's jeopardizing your career. If your boss found out you had totally and knowingly been breeching confidentiality for months and months you would never work in the field again. And at our age it's tricky to retrain.

I would arrange a 5 minute call at 8am, at lunchtime, and after work. If he doesn't answer or call back within 10 min you will phone an ambulance. No negotiation.

I would also go back to school visits. If he is worried about seeing you for a week after each visit, oh well how sad. I can't believe he is jeopardizing your work but happy to go to the theatre.

I am sorry but this man is a deeply selfish human.

I do hope you don't work in Special Needs, Education Psychology, child welfare, Behaviour or Safeguarding OP? If you do, breaching confidentiality in this way is unthinkable

He has listened to so many conversations between my boss and myself he knows it wouldn't be the case

You're aware that this is a sackable offence? Nobody should be listening.

It's outrageous that you let him do this.

He managed not to catch Covid and die during the actual pandemic, didn't he? As did you, your DS and his kids. And he hasn't caught Covid and died from the cinema trips, the theatre trips or the trips to the shop to get his fags and vodka. So why would YOUR work give HIM Covid?

I really hope you're starting to see the light. There are some very very wrong things going on here.

Wise words

What's his diagnosis?

Why does his GP phone him every day?

(Clue - they don't)