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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

923 replies

EggsBenedick · 30/03/2024 15:16

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

OP posts:
tomorrowisanotherdate · 30/03/2024 15:20

who was he hurting, exactly?

Gettingbysomehow · 30/03/2024 15:20

I wouldn't be bothered by a topless child. I would be bothered by a clothed screaming one.

TinyYellow · 30/03/2024 15:20

I think the Mum was really cheeky asking you to put in a complaint, even though I can understand her upset.

While she has every right to expect her son to be accepted as long as he is not upsetting anyone, she has a responsibility to protect her child’s dignity. She is not respecting his dignity by letting him sit in a restaurant with no top on.

fieldsofbutterflies · 30/03/2024 15:21

I really can't get worked up about an autistic 8yo sitting and eating a meal without a top on.

AmeliaEarhart · 30/03/2024 15:21

I’m struggling to see why it was such an issue. I have an autistic child, so I’m guessing my standards are lower/tolerance for odd behaviour is higher, but it’s not a hygiene issue or a matter of public indecency (if anyone is sexualising the body of a child that age, they are the one with a problem) so I would have just left them to it.

loropianalover · 30/03/2024 15:22

I’m going to have say no at the prospect of a topless child sitting at an indoor restaurant at meal time. The boy is 8 not 2, what if schoolmates had been there? Parents should be looking after his dignity if he’s not able to do it himself.

Mum made an arse of herself asking others to leave negative review.

toomuchfaff · 30/03/2024 15:23

I wouldn't be adding a review on the families behalf.

I can see the perspective of the family wanting him to be accepted, but I believe if the child cannot act in an acceptable way (remaining clothed) then don't go into places and participate in activities that trigger meltdowns. Does this mean the don't go to a restaurant, yes.

If the child wanted to eat fully naked, do the other patrons and the restaurant have to accept it just because he is autistic?

The family shouldn't go to a sit down restaurant if they know the child will meltdown if he can't eat naked. Plenty of other ways to eat or do other activities that don't result in stress for the family.

RampantIvy · 30/03/2024 15:24

It wouldn't bother me to see an 8 year old boy without a top on. The only issue might be if he spilled hot food on himself.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 30/03/2024 15:24

The sun is out here... Just drove past a load of topless blokes. Grim.
Small dc eating quietly without a t shirt? Totally fine.

fieldsofbutterflies · 30/03/2024 15:25

If the child wanted to eat fully naked, do the other patrons and the restaurant have to accept it just because he is autistic?

But he wasn't fully naked, he'd just taken his t-shirt off. It's not the same scenario at all.

Britinme · 30/03/2024 15:25

I honestly don't understand why there was a fuss about it at all. He wasn't naked, he was a pre-pubertal boy and all he had off was his T shirt. In summer it would go unremarked surely if the weather was hot. I'd rather have a T-shirtless boy eating his meal quietly than a screaming one.

sleekcat · 30/03/2024 15:25

It wouldn't have bothered me. It might have been a horrible meal for everyone if they had tried to put the top on him. I would rather sit near a happy child with no top on than a screaming one.

fieldsofbutterflies · 30/03/2024 15:26

I'm a bit confused about all the "dignity" comments. He's eight. Loads of eight year olds are quite happy to wander around topless!

Bakerfoot · 30/03/2024 15:26

I think she was wrong to ask you to leave a negative review.

I'm on the fence about the clothing issue. I can't really see the harm in a 9yo without a shirt, although possibly I wouldn't want my child eating hot foot without a shirt, but what if he was 14 or it's his trousers he doesn't want to wear?

exerciseshmexercise · 30/03/2024 15:26

The boy wouldn't bother me, but I wouldn't leave any kind of review - I really wouldn't like being approached by the parents like that.

DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats · 30/03/2024 15:26

Fully clothed or leave

wombat15 · 30/03/2024 15:27

I can't see the issue with an 8 year old boy not wearing a top really. Boys don't wear tops in swimming pools or beaches and noone thinks it effects their dignity. Given the mother explained why she didn't want to ask him to put his top on, the restaurant should have let it go.

TenderChicken · 30/03/2024 15:27

Personally I think it was inappropriate for him to not be fully clothed in the restaurant.

Octavia64 · 30/03/2024 15:28

You don't see it so much in the UK but plenty of restaurants in beach towns have signs up saying T shirts and shorts minimum, no bikinis no topless.

I guess in summer in the U.K. outside at pub gardens/outside tea gardens etc you do see kids in just shorts or bikinis, but it is rare in an indoor restaurant or anytime not summer.

It wouldn't bother me personally but I can see why the restaurant says something.

I suspect they will respond with a minimum clothing sign.

Denou · 30/03/2024 15:29

The restaurant don’t want to have semi clothed children. It’s potentially inappropriate and I can see why they just want to draw a line that everyone has to be fully clothed rather than trying to police what age/sex can be topless.

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2024 15:29

I wouldnt add a review for anyone and to be honest I wouldnt have been impressed with the families behaviour in general.
I imagine its very hard to accommodate children with autism and I can only imagine the challenges parents face but I think there does have to be some sort of line for behaviour in public. What if the child screamed unless he was allowed to take his trousers off? What if the "child" was an adult with SN?
Acceptance and certain accommodations shoudl be made but there are limits and despite some posters saying they wouldnt have cared that this child was half nakes other diners might have and the fact that staff felt they had to ask suggests there had been complaints

SignoraVolpe · 30/03/2024 15:30

I wouldn’t mind an 8 year old topless if it meant he didn’t scream. If the dm had put a top on him and he’d had a meltdown they would still have asked them to leave. The family couldn’t win really.

I think the restaurant could have been more understanding in the circumstances.

LilianaVikavanovich · 30/03/2024 15:30

She was wrong to ask you to complain in a review

He should have had a top on , he’s got to learn at some stage about public expectations, and wearing a top in a restaurant is pretty basic

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 30/03/2024 15:30

Other than that I don’t think she should have asked anyone else to write a review I am 100% on the mum’s side. Her kid is autistic. I am sure if it was just a simple matter of getting the child to put the top back on she would have done so. She’s just trying to live life while avoiding meltdowns.
An 8 year old with a bare chest is not indecent. I agree it’s not generally appropriate for a restaurant and I am not super keen on all the adult male bare chests that come out in public when the weather is hot, but the restaurant doesn’t have to allow everyone to, they can just make a reasonable adjustment for a child with special needs.

Finlesswonder · 30/03/2024 15:30

I would have told the mum to do one.

I don't want to eat around people with their tops off.

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