Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

Yes he took his T shirt off.

It was a help yourself sort of meal but I see what you're saying, yes

OMG

I have only read part of the thread, I couldn't stand any more of it.

The child is EIGHT, he took his t shirt off, not his underpants.

The child is Autistic, he quietly made himself comfortable after returning from the serving area, quietly at the table.

It's an 8 year old child without a t shirt, hardly a peado's wet dream FGS. and I have NO idea why people are bothered by an 8 year olds chest?

The Restaurant were unreasonable

id have backed the Mum up with a review of their lack of understanding. It's a shame it would have upset the child or I'd have happily complied with their pathetic request & let them suffer the result of not listening!!

There probably is a specific written rule about people not being topless. Sounds weird they'd have to say, but I have seen that in some places.
It's a shame but I'd say if he was a teen or older it would be utterly unpleasant, so the rule should stand. If he can't eat clothed then he shouldn't really be out to eat. There's a Health and safety issues, with hot food in a busy place, he could get burned more easily.
I'd say the waiters should have allowed it that once but said next time please obey the rules. They should not have been nasty to them or booted them out mid meal.

🙄

yep

I feel sorry for the poor waiter. What an awkward situation for him

It's important to think 'why does he want his top off to eat' - I would imagine significant sensory issues part of his autism.

His parents are well aware that he can't eat with clothing on his top half. Many autistic children will literally starve themselves in the wrong circumstances around food.

Why on earth would they try to put his top on to appease others when they know he will have an autistic meltdown and be judged even more?

This seems a reasonable adjustment that the restaurant has handled wrongly.

If you're concerned about men looking at your semi naked child, do you never take them to the beach or swimming?

@EggsBenedick

a child's chest is about as sexy as cold custard, I think you're being ridiculous.

If it were my child I would explain that you had a choice between leaving her be while she was content, or having the subsequent melt down ruin everyone's evening if I took your 'advice' and upset the apple cart.

Would a 14 year old with no top on be ok? 16? 18? 20? Who decides where the line is drawn?

We make accommodations for children based on age though, don’t we? For example we tolerate toddlers and preschoolers watching devices in restaurants as being - while not ideal - better than whining/fidgeting/screaming. Older children doing the same is less acceptable because it’s assumed they are capable of waiting patiently and participating in conversation. And similarly many children with ASD also mature and learn to cope better in social situations, albeit probably later than their NT peers.

But that wouldn't be true, would it? Everyone is welcome in the restaurant as long as patrons adhere to basic requirements. One of which would be to wear clothes. Though I can't quite believe they'd need to put a sign up to that effect.

This 'anything goes' attitude from some people is why society is rapidly going down the toilet.

They probably didn't want to get sued if he dropped hot curry down him and burnt

This happened to my mom with dd she was 18 months old vomited everywhere (carsick) so she was sat with a nappy on in weatherspoons eating while her friend popped to the shop for a spare outfit the staff were outraged demanded she cover up but she had literally puked on everything she had blanket included my mom explained fresh clothes were on the way they were still unhappy and a staff member dug in the lost property for a cardigan type thing that was huge and handed it to her to cover her up my mom did but found it ridiculous they were still twittering and tutting about her when they left

Ultimately no-one was hurt and yes maybe his mum should be getting him used to clothing while eating (and i should have remembered a spare outfit in dds bag) but that's a long process and the fact that he kept his trousers on might mean she has already started hopefully in the future he will be able to

The child being topless wouldn’t bother me. Also wouldn’t bother me that his parents didn’t try to get him to put it in…. they will know his triggers and tolerances.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable being asked by strangers to leave a review.

I think the child needs to learn what is appropriate - topless in a restaurant isn't and if he can't cope with that, the parents shouldn't take him to one as is is unfair on him to be put in a situation.

But who determines whether the child has started puberty or not? Do the waiters have to examine their armpits? Do they have to bring a GP letter? Are the parents going to sign a waiver that they won’t sue if he tips a plate of hot food down himself? It’s unrealistic and unfair on the restaurant staff to ask them to make this subjective call.

so you’re concerned op because it was inside

but outside, on the beach, swimming pools, parks…. no paedophiles exist ?

okey dokey

I'd have looked and thought unusual, but it really wouldn't bother me. Id have forgotten about it within seconds. However if the restaurant have a policy that you must wear a shirt/tshirt then thats their right.

Yes, she wears a costume or sunsuit.

This thread doesn't need to turn into how I dress my child.

Again, I was sexually assaulted as a 6 year old. So I do have a fear of exploitation. But that's not the point of the thread.

Yes I'm in therapy.

I do think it is inappropriate to not be fully clothed in a restaurant. Even on holiday in beach locations, it is still inappropriate to go around half dressed - never see anyone do it in any decent place (indoor dining).

common sense 🤷

I’ve never been in a restaurant that had a rule against using a device, whatever your age so no, accomodations aren’t being made in the example you give.

because would you be concerned if this 8 year old was on a beach?