Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

I am sorry that happened to you.

But you must get your child changed into a costume or sunsuit.

What age is your child? You surely aren't going to insist that they always wear a long top with long sleeves?

My SIL has an autistic child. She would have removed him from the restaurant.

Autistic or not there are basic rules to follow. I wouldn’t want to look at the topless child while I’m eating

A boy without a top would not bother me. Especially if I knew that he was autistic.

I think restaurants should make reasonable adjustments for individuals who are autistic or have any other disabilities. Otherwise only people without a handicap could enjoy a meal.

I emphasise with the mother. My daughter is on the autistic spectrum too and I am going to face the same challenges.

Raising a kid with special needs is hard enough. Those parents need to feel some sense of normality and do activities that others take for granted such as going out for a meal occasionally as a family.

however I don’t think the mother should have ask you to raise a complaint on her behalf

I am sorry that you were sexually assaulted and yes that gives you a different slant to your personal view but seriously in general noone would sexualise a boy in a restaurant with his own parents with his top off. I would suggest that perhaps you could access some therapy to deal with your past trauma so that you are more able to deal with situations like this in context if something so minor was triggering.

But there people in this world who exploit children, and look at them in that way, and protecting our children by covering them up is something I wouldn't hesitate to do.

so you also worry about topless 8 year olds on the beach?

Inside child eating topless. Disgusting and unacceptable. You can’t just “accept” poor behaviour because someone is autistic. They can obviously have their shirt on in other scenarios or they would be far more conscious going out and seemed he was fine until eating. Don’t go out to eat if your child can’t wear a shirt, or eat outside. Ffs.

You don't see many people building sandcastles in restaurants either

Define poor behaviour please. Thank you.

8 yr old topless in a restaurant - wouldn't bother me

and now the whole restaurant knows he's autistic and the parents are been harassed by staff and fellow diners are firing up the internet to discuss - that bothers me

I feel really sorry for that family what a shitty way to be treated.

Well I have plenty of common sense but when I worked in hospitality I didn’t get paid enough to make that kind of subjective decision and have to argue with a jumped up parent who disagreed with me and decided to use it as an opportunity to try to damage my business so I guess we’ll agree to disagree.

@AperolWhore

Fucking Hell.

I thought we were past the years of locking ND people away. Where people accepted ND people, especially children.

But seemingly not.

im disgusted.

no but the op is concerned about paedophiles getting off on it

and i’m curious whether she’s also concerned at the beach? swimming pool? or only if inside

Can you imagine if we didnt make reasonable accomodations for people with disabilities? Anyone in a wheelchair confined to home so we didnt have to tbink about things like ramps or a acessible bathrooms....

Having an autistic child is hard enough without the attitude that you cant ever have a family meal out.

The abelism on this thread is depressing.

It might not be a big deal now, but at 12/13 because this is what he is allowed to do?
If he wanted his pants off then what?

Very depressing indeed.

Ableism sadly is completely rife in society.

TBH while it's not ideal, I could ignore the child being topless.
I don't think the restaurant were wrong to ask them to get him to put his top back on, though I also understand the parent's dilemma. As he gets older they might find it harder with stuff like this though, if he still wants to remove clothes, because people are often (rightly or wrongly) more understanding of the 'odd' behaviour of children than adults in this regard.
If you write a review it should be based on your experience, not on someone telling/asking you to!

How to say i haven't got a fucking clue what im talking about.....

What an entitled, ignorant and selfish attitude to have.

Some tomato based curries can leave awful scalds

Please don’t leave bad reviews for small restaurants and hospitality businesses. These people work so hard often with small margins and it’s really not fair especially when they’re just breaking even after the government closed them down for years during covid times.

What would be the difference if I had a cropped strappy top on?

The parents were wrong. Inclusivity doesn't mean tolerating people doing whatever they like wherever they like just because they have a disability. It means making adjustments where reasonable and practical to include as many people as possible. Interestingly, my Dneice who has autism, would have been unable to eat there with that child as she has an aversion to seeing nipples. She manages this by avoiding swimming with men and going to beaches. She wouldnt expect to have everyone swim in t shirts to be inclusive of her.

And this is an adjustment that wouldn’t even cost anything. A one off relaxation of the dress code.

Such a lot of whatsboutery......

What if he just grows out of it by 12? What about that?

This is my view also. I had ND children.