To be annoyed that DH spent €350!!

[MeAndMia]

DH just popped out to the shops. He said he needed a couple of pairs of jeans. He has gone to an outdoor clothing store (very pricey) and bought two pairs of jeans for €100 a pair and then a jacket for €150. He’s come back and I’m upset. We have so much to pay for this month. We are going on holiday and we also have a number of events that we are attending. We are not rich. DH’s argument is that he never buys clothes. He doesn’t buy clothes often but he has sports that he plays where the equipment is really expensive. In the last couple of months, that has been a big expense. I have asked DH to return the stuff and buy cheaper alternatives. He is really upset with me for this. AIBU?

Gosh, sorry, my bad - I was addressing it to the OP and quoted your response to the OP - when you replied I thought it was the OP (yes, I know your names are not remotely similar). Slapped wrist time. Please forgive me?

I was asking OP, but quoted your post while doing so, hence it looked like I was asking you!

Your family spending priorities are crazy. €1200 on golf, €360 on botox, but people can't get a coat they like for €150. Goodness knows how much on "events", any one of which is guaranteed to come to more than the €110 "saving" on jeans.

Time to write down ALL income and expenses. Tot up and both of you have a proper look at how you are wasting money while fretting about bills and essentials. A few sensible decisions will honestly start to make life so much easier.

I think you need to revisit how you organise your finances. The fairest way is usually to have both your income paid into a joint account, pay for all your bills and joint savings out of that, and then you each get an equal amount of discretionary spending money transferred to your individual accounts. If you did it that way you wouldn't know or care how much his jeans cost and it would have no impact on you.

That's pretty much exactly what I do - a joint account for bills, completely separate accounts each with an equal amount for spends.

I don't see that as "completely joint" as you still have sole control over a portion of your money.

OP's DH has spent £1200 for sports equipment and a sporting holiday he's going on next month ... doesn't sound like he needed another 'treat' when today's clothing purchase was putting his family in the red this month.

Why is OP expected to keep an eye on finances and shop around and get good value for money but DH just gets to spend wildly is the question I would be wondering, frankly.

But you’re sharing the money equally and paying for things equally. So it’s definitely joint. Regardless of income (I’m currently not working, but previously earned more than dh, now he’s the sole earner) we’ve always done this; always had the same spending money.

It’s his money he can spends it as he wishes.

everyone spends money on clothes once in a while

Clothes are not necessarily a treat.

Buying cheap clothes is awful for your budget and the environment. They become useless pretty quickly.

We have money in savings. Why can I not pay for Botox and why can DH not go on a golf holiday? Our finances just don’t work in such a way that we would have a spare €350 for an unplanned for purchase. We have an emergency fund for any unexpected and unplanned for costs that we are faced with, but buying clothes isn’t really something we would use that money for.

Like I said, the issue here is that DH bought these items at a much higher cost than he has ever spent on similar in the past. The jacket purchase was completely spontaneous. We don’t have €350 available for this (unless we go into our emergency fund or withdraw funds from our pension savings accounts). Why can he not go on a planned for golf holiday? I don’t understand your logic!

Also, it wasn’t €1200 on golf. The golf holiday was €800, and his €400 spend which was also planned for, was for an unrelated hobby.

The golf holiday was arranged 2 years ago. We allocated €50 per month to that for over a year. Can you explain how our spending priorities are crazy? DH has a wardrobe full of clothes, so he’s not struggling on that front.

Also @GRex, is your suggestion that we should take the money from the pot that is funding our costs at the events and instead use that to fund the jeans? Even though the events have been planned for? Or do you think DH did the right thing to get some jeans that we can afford in our budget?

The thing is, clothes are personal. Your husband clearly is doing a crap job at managing finances and is overspending on things without realizing the impact it will have on the family. But having your partner criticize your choices in clothing purchases feels very controlling. You’ve solved it by sorting out individual discretionary spending budgets. So it’s sorted. But once your husband learns to stick to that budget, you need to keep out of his clothing decisions. I like silk shirts and wool jumpers and leather shoes from proper shoe brands rather than clothing makers who also do crap quality shoes. It’s important to me to wear clothes that make me feel good. They need to fit, be made of comfortable fabrics and work for my life. I would be extremely unhappy if my partner nagged me to change a coat I’d chosen for a cheaper one because they thought mine was too expensive. Liking a 100€ pair of jeans or a 150€ jacket is a non-issue. We’re not talking designer prices here. Those are very normal prices for one step up from fast fashion brands. Granted, he shouldn’t have spent that money on a whim because you did not have it available and because he has been taking a disproportionately large share of the family’s discretionary spending money. But now that’s sorted, he’s an adult, you need to let him choose his own clothes without your input.

My god I would hate this to be my life, you sounds insufferable OP. Poor guy. You guilted him into returning the things he picked, what a miserable existence. I assume he also earns money!

Botox twice a year is almost certainly for a medically related reason rather than a frivolity. I could have it for my incontinence, nothing frivolous about not wanting to piss yourself

I think the way it was phrased, probably choice for lines etc

Easy to pay well over that for a decent technical garment of a reputable make.

And unfortunately, in my line of work, I do actually wear them to destruction.

Of course not. BUt £100 a pop jeans are a treat, especially when you buy 2 pairs in a month when finances are already beyond tight at home.

100 Euro’s each pair

Not necessarily.

I don’t think joint spending money works when you have vastly different attitudes to money and spending habits. Fair enough to have joint accounts for bills and savings but you need your own personal spending accounts for Botox and golf (although imo botox for incontinence is medical and should come out of joint money).

I find it interesting how many people are objecting to returning the clothes or questioning the cost.
OP has already said that they budget for the big things, but didn’t budget for a big clothes spend.
Working out a household budget and then allocating equal spending money to individual accounts seems to be the way to go here.
My DH has an expensive hobby and all of his allocated money goes on that.
I don’t like to shop and my hobby is cheap/ free after initial set up costs, so I have more savings than DH.

Good luck

I don;t think I could get worked up about it, especially of he rarely buys clothes and doesn't police your purchases.

If he can't buy himself clothes that he needs then you shouldn't be going on holiday or to events. He's buying things he needs.
Also, if a man told you to go back to a shop and return your clothes everyone would moan. He needs his own personal account and money separate from what you pay for bills etc.
Sounds awful for him.