To be annoyed that DH spent €350!!

[MeAndMia]

DH just popped out to the shops. He said he needed a couple of pairs of jeans. He has gone to an outdoor clothing store (very pricey) and bought two pairs of jeans for €100 a pair and then a jacket for €150. He’s come back and I’m upset. We have so much to pay for this month. We are going on holiday and we also have a number of events that we are attending. We are not rich. DH’s argument is that he never buys clothes. He doesn’t buy clothes often but he has sports that he plays where the equipment is really expensive. In the last couple of months, that has been a big expense. I have asked DH to return the stuff and buy cheaper alternatives. He is really upset with me for this. AIBU?

Botox is even more frivolous.

You have no idea what it’s for. Maybe be more open minded before passing judgement.

Plus what he spends every month on golf, plus is €800 golf holiday next month.

Completely agree with this. Avoids any problems or arguments and no one feels as though they are being controlled.

My DH isn’t good with money, never has been. So a set amount into the joint account means that’s his part done. Uncomplicated.
That said, I could give him £1000 to look after for me, ask him for it back in 20 years and they’d be the same notes.

I feel like some people are being purposefully obtuse about the issue. It’s not the fact he went out and bought clothes, it’s not the fact that they ‘don’t have’ €350, its not about the fact OP gets Botox, it’s that it’s a large and UNPLANNED expense for their monthly budget. He was wrong for that.

It’s not like he treated himself to an extra takeaway, it’s €350 gone. As OP said, if it was a certain jacket or jeans he wanted they could have budgeted for it and gotten it in the next few months.

For what it’s worth OP I think this incident is a result of his disinterest in family finances. He obviously thought that this €350 wouldn’t be an issue. I say keep him more informed of what’s in and out each month even if he’s not particularly interested.

So, surely you can see that if you allocate a set amount each out of your income and pay it into a separate account each then you won't get in this mess. Just work out a realistic amount that you would both need per month for personal savings, hobbies, membership fees, botox, clothes, hair, going out with friends etc then allocate it to your own accounts each month. Some months you will spend more than others but if you run out then it needs to wait. That way you are both responsible for your own personal spends and there is no resentment.
I can't imagine my partner telling me I needed to take my clothes back. You both presumably work so should be able to do this.

If you’re in charge of finances just give you both some spending money each month. That seems like an easy fix, would that not work for you guys?

You need a little separation in your finances. We pool everything, but then get a set amount each for our own spends, ensures we can spend guilt free on the things that matter to us and not get annoyed at the other person if we feel they are wasting it! We do clothes out of that spend as we have different expectations on when to buy new clothes.

I actually think personal money would be good in your case. So he can spend his on equipment, trips etc...and if his personal account is empty, he doesn't spend the monthly mortgage payment on jeans!

Plus you get equal personal money to spend on what you want.

If you don't have a set amount then how can you complain?
I can't imagine telling my husband to take something back.
You need a set amount. So joint account for bills then am account each for fun money. You pay for your botox and he pays for his golf or whatever out of the separate accounts. Put the card for the joint account away because it'll only be used for direct debits

You act as though my DH doesn’t spend lots. He spends far more than I do. I just wasn’t expecting this expense this month and it would have caused us hardship if we hadn’t figured out a solution. The system we have used has been working well for over a decade.

I have spoken to DH and we have decided to have some money in separate accounts to prevent this happening again. However, this will likely mean him having less money to spend on himself if we are going with the idea of splitting the extra down the middle. This is the reason we didn’t do this before now. My lifestyle is less expensive than his.

With stuff like that you absolutely get what you pay for

And he’s got Levi’s and another coat of the same brand for €190 now instead of €350. So it’s worth shopping around.

Agreed. A budget and understanding is usually the answer.

I'd be annoyed too @MeAndMia . It's a lot of money that you hadn't budgeted for.

Glad you've come up with a solution, we did the same. It's not a set amount as oh self employed, but I make sure he's always got some left in his account each week, when he pays into the joint account. Otherwise, he would just spend until the card stops from the joint account...

Where did he get two pairs of Levis for €90? I bought one pair for my DS at Christmas and they cost €110 - for a single pair!

I get a 10% discount too.

Having personal spending budgets is a good way of resolving this. It sounds like he’s been overspending and this solution will force him to take some responsibility and mean you don’t have to micromanage individual purchases of his that you deem unwise. It’ll be better for your finances and your relationship in the long run.

Buying good quality jeans is important to me - I buy 2 pairs every 4 or 5 years and wear them all the time. £100 a pair is not that expensive they last that long (plus you can normally sell them on vinted etc).

Op, how much do you spend on clothes? My asap says they spend nothing but the £200 monthly Next bill says otherwise……

See above… he bought two good quality pairs for less than half of the price. That’s the benefit of shopping around and not buying things on a whim.

I have spoken to DH and we have decided to have some money in separate accounts to prevent this happening again. However, this will likely mean him having less money to spend on himself if we are going with the idea of splitting the extra down the middle. This is the reason we didn’t do this before now. My lifestyle is less expensive than his.

This is fair, perhaps he will learn to live within his means.

I don’t think they sound ridiculously expensive especially if he going to get a lot of wear out of them

but dh and I have a good handle on how much we can afford per month on clothes and other stuff like this (luxuries basically). So if you can afford it Yanbu. If you can’t YANBU.

DH and I save a portion of our income for stuff like this and put the vast majority of our income in the joint pot which pays for holidays as well as day to day stuff. We have no say over what the other spends out of their fairly limited personal budget, nor should we

Perhaps you need to have a joint spending account then your own personal spending accounts. That way you can choose how much you each have for personal spending (and equal amount would be sensible) then you can both choose what to spend it on whether that be nights out with friends, sports equipment, hair cuts or clothes etc. Works for us as my OH is an £100 pair of jeans guy and a £12 hair cut, I'm a £15 jeggings girl but £100 hair cut/colour x

Also don't MAKE him take the clothes back, just see this as an opportunity to discuss your finances and organise them so this doesn't happen again.