Kids in changing room at gym

[Snowypony]

Yesterday I was running late for my aqua gym class

i already had my swimming costume on under my clothes

i I ran in the changing rooms and there was a boy in there who was taller than me

i didn’t have time to question the Mum - he had clearly started puberty. He watched me get changed which left me very uncomfortable

i I got in the pool and my friend saw I was a bit upset and asked why. I explained and said the boy was about 12. There are no changing rooms at my gym - it’s just benches so you have to get naked when changing

my friend went over and spoke to the Mun who got really angry and said he’s entitled to be in there he’s only 11

when I got out they’re left but I still went and complained to the gym staff.

I don’t have a ds only dd so I’ve never had this issue. But is it reasonable to expect an 11 year old to use their own sex changing room?

Remember the thread a few months ago when a dad thought he should be able to take his DD into the women's toilets.

And the cool girls saying that was perfectly ok

Os this kne of those gyms that do kids swimming lessons but don't actually have suitable changing areas for families?

I suppose the only way I’d be less irritated is if he was eg autistic but it’s still not great. It drives me mad that there can’t be something done like a single changing room for kids who don’t feel ready to be in the men’s- call it a family changing room or ‘other’ or something!! My son was very small for his age and seeing him in amongst men was horrendous and he hated it

Age limit is usually 8

I agree. And I am very sorry this happened to you

The 11 / 12 yo boys I went to school with definitely made sexualised comments, tried to run into our changing room before gym class. They also snapped bra straps, loudly rates the girls on their attractiveness etc. In other words:
I would not have wanted to get changed in front of one!

It wouldn’t have mattered that a boy (most likely) wouldn’t have done something with his mother and other women present. His mere presence would have been incredibly upsetting.

If it's worth separating by sex (which it is) in the first place then it's worth enforcing properly.

However, sometimes these issues are down to a lack of provision - be that disabled changing, family changing etc. And it is usually women stuck with finding a workaround that allows them to still swim because they're the ones that have to do it with their kids in tow.

I personally wouldn’t have gotten changed with a young boy watching me, it’s utterly inappropriate. I would have said something at the time and then simply gone into a toilet cubicle. We’re living in strange times and at the moment we need to be responsible for maintaining our own boundaries. The tide will turn, but in the meantime ask for privacy when you want it and don’t undress when you’re being stared at.

I wouldn't take my 8 year old into a woman's changing room! Christ the woman was so out of order!

It’s outrageous that the woman let that happen. The boy should not have been in there. I’d have been very uncomfortable. Now you know the policy at least you can tell her or any person who brings their 11 year old boy in that they must leave according to the rules. If you get any pushback you can tell them you’re away to get staff involved to enforce their policy.

More generally I feel this policy of forced communal changing needs to end.

My local pool changing room has at least two cubicles. It’s not perfect but at least it’s something. Every changing room should have a couple of cubicles if not more. I don’t even like getting naked in front of other women.

I was in a hurry and just started stripping off then had a feeling turned round and found I was being stared at.

there were young teens/pre teenage girls in the pool so yes they would have to go in the changing room

i know there were other complaints, not just me. If it happens again I will be going to Reception to say

its a nice gym!

11 is far too old.

You were right to complain. They should have used the family changing facilities or he should have gone into the mens.

The gym should be providing private changing cubicles and separate family changing rooms.

It's not ok to have to change in front of others if it makes you uncomfortable (and it makes most people uncomfortable) and it's not really safe for a child to go into men's changing rooms alone.

It's not acceptable not to have separate, safe provision.

I haven't taken my DS11 swimming for years (he goes with his dad), but if I did, he'd be very anxious about going alone into a changing room to undress in front of adult males. I'd make very big complaints if family changing rooms weren't available.

Which is why I said OP wasn’t unreasonable it the gym should provide safe areas for everyone

We have the same issue in our gym - mothers bringing sons who are older than 8 into the women's change. It's infuriating. My 8 year old gets so embarrassed. There's even a family room in the women's but they don't even just discreetly go in there! They simply do not care. There was even one playing on a switch in the changing room today, not swimming, just hanging out.

What these women are teaching their sons about respect for women and girls is shocking.

OP was already wearing her swimsuit though. So she was only taking top layers off - the boy wouldn't have seen anything than anyone else (man/woman/child) at the pool or beach wouldn't have seen as she walked to the pool and swum around.

Not to say that it was appropriate for him to be there, of course it wasn't, but OP didn't do anything wrong or expose herself in front of him.

I know some people don't tend to like mixed sex changing villages, which pretty much all new build pools (at least council ones) seem to be built with, but they are probably better for issues like this, as well as complaints about which changing rooms trans people use because they are 90-100% (in the one by me) cubicles.

Slightly different, as children are less at risk of sexual abuse by female strangers (although there's still some risk) and, also, female toilets always have private cubicles (so there's not much risk at all), so it's ludicrous for a dad to escort his daughter into the ladies'.

Boys are at risk of sexual abuse by adult males, however, and men's loos are often mostly urinals, so I wouldn't think it so ludicrous if a mother escorted her male child into the men's. Perhaps if more did this, it might raise awareness! Not sure I'd want to be that mother, though I do stand with my head round the doorway so my DS can see I'm within hearing distance.

I have never had this happen, but if it did I wouldn’t have been able to hold my mouth to either the mother, then staff.

Anything above 7/8 is unacceptable. 11 is ridiculous.

I am the mother of a son and I know the initial worry , the sussing out of appropriate facilities and the hanging about outside the gents toilets/changing when they first start going themselves, but taking them into the ladies is unacceptable.

It's 7 at my gym. There's also a family changing room.

So you'd be OK with your nearly teenage son ogling women in a single sex communal changing room? It's not just this family's subsequent of entitlement that's grating on OP - it's also the utter lack of manners on the part of both mother and son.

Didn't read the OP? He was overtly staring at women in the changing room (which i have no problem believing, having encountered the same in women's ooen-plan communal showers.) Single sex spaces aren't just about safety, they're also about privacy and dignity.

In that case a changing poncho and he goes home in that and get changed then

At my gym there is a notice on the door to the changing rooms saying boys over the age of 7 yrs must use the male changing rooms

There's absolutely no problem with open-plan single-sex spaces. Cubicles are claustrophobic and impractical (what do you do with dry clothes or towels when using a shower cubicle, leave them out of your sight?). They need much more space and thus raise costs for the pool or gym and ultimately each customer. There's also a sense of camaraderie in women's spaces that you're wanting to abolish in favour of an anonymous dystopia set-up. No thanks - but obviously that depends on everybody sticking to a set of commonly agreed rules of civilized behaviour.

Agreed.
And the boy’s mother had no right to get angry. Of course he doesn’t have a right to be there. She should have been telling him not to watch other people getting changed if she really thought it was ok for him to be there.

People have preferences. Yours is for open plan, others hate that.
that depends on everybody sticking to a set of commonly agreed rules of civilized behaviour.
This is why it’s an issue- there are plenty of people who don’t stick to those rules, and others who don’t even seem to be aware that those social rules and conventions exist.