To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

[inthebosc]

Nearing my wits end with sleeping arrangements!

We live in a three bed terrace. Our bedroom, the baby's room and a box room which we use as an office. So not much wiggle room when it comes to guests. My parents (late 60s/early 70s) live a couple of hours away so tend to stay the night when they visit.

When they first stayed they slept on a sturdy blow up king mattress which had very good reviews. We chose it together. This lasted a few visits and they said it was great...until it unceremoniously deflated at 1am one time.

We then invested in a fold up double bed. Again, very good reviews. They stayed on this once for several nights and at the time said everything was fine, until the next time they arrived and my dad announced he'd sleep on the sofa instead as the mattress of the bed was too thin.

DH not keen on having anyone on the sofa so offers them our bed instead whilst we take the fold up. All good, until it emerges the next day that my dad took all the blankets leaving my mum was too cold to sleep. She's knackered.

Fast forward to this time - we offer our bed again and a ridiculous amount of bedding and they come armed with loads of blankets too. Great. Everyone happy. Until 4am when I go downstairs with a slightly grumpy baby in pursuit of more nappies and...wake my mum up, who's trying to sleep on the sofa for some reason.

Arghhhh! AIBU to just want guests in a bed in a room? This makes it sound like I don't want to host my parents but it's the opposite - I just want things to go as smoothly as possible. Also grappling with a 9 month old baby who doesn't sleep well at night so it would be good to know that at least everyone else is taken care of!

My husband and I haven't shared a bedroom for 8 years. When we go to my in laws we have to share a bedroom (with the kids too who I can sleep with no problems) and it is absolutely horrible.
Best part is my in laws don't usually sleep in the same room so it ends up that my MIL is downstairs, FIL and BIL in their usual rooms and we have what is usually my MILs bedroom and I get approximately 3 minutes sleep while my husband sleeps on the floor.
Can't wait to visit next week 😂

It's not your fault but honestly if someone ends up on the sofa it might be that is the only solution, even 2 nights of no sleep kills me for a week afterwards and I'm 30 years younger than your Mother.

What specifically are you suggesting that OP hasn't tried? Moving to a bigger house?

If they don’t want to use a hotel or bnb, I’d offer them a tent in your garden. 😂

What property do they live in, with how many rooms?
Because surely it's easier to visit?

But I'm assuming when they visit, they initially slept in baby's room and baby slept in yours?

But regardless, you just need to tell them it's too disruptive for your sleep and looking after the baby if they take up both a bedroom and the living room.
So they either confine themselves to a bedroom for the night or book a hotel/b&b when they visit.

Just set your and their boundaries.

Well...

DH and I are in our 60s, he is 66 I am 61.

He can sleep almost anywhere, head touches the pillow and off he goes. If he wakes once to go to the bathroom he will consider it a disturbed night.

I, on the other hand, will often be awake on and off for ages but that is just how it goes. Doesn't make me want to get up and wonder around the house.

If I was staying with someone else I wouldn't dream of getting up and sleeping anywhere other than the bedroom I had been given.

I don't think the OP's DH is being at all precious about the sofa. I wouldn't like that either.

Honestly, if they can't put up with slightly different sleeping arrangements for one or two nights that is a bit of a poor show.
They are not exactly ancient yet. Have a word OP and ask outright what the issue is. Sound a bit indignant that you have given up your bed for thrm and they are still not happy. I think it would be OK for them to know that their behaviour is a bit irritating

We ended up steering my IL to a twin room at the nearest Travelodge. We found that as they got older they could also only really cope with a limited number of hours per day of visit.

This response is baffling - did you read any of the thread?

I think if you gave up your bedroom for your parents to sleep in, and they didn’t tell you at the time that was a problem, and you came down to the living room with your restless baby not knowing your mother had moved there, she cannot in any way reasonably complain about you waking her up.

My apologies for my earlier post and thank you to those who picked me up on my response.

While I stand by my disbelief in moaning about our parents and being put out if they come to visit, I can see why this is difficult for OP, given all that has been adjusted and tried.

Another option is to meet in the middle on a less frequent basis, renting a house to accommodate all of you and split the cost or book your own hotel rooms at the same chosen location. That way, there should be less driving for your dad, beds for all and someone else to do the running around to look after you all (hotel specific).

Hope there is a solution and apologies again to OP for my original reply.

Op has bent over backwards accommodating them it's her parents thar are moaning not her. it's like the princess and the pea story. they should try and stay in Buckingham Palace next time 😅

@WoosMama13 but you haven’t read the OP’s thread at all. The OP has clearly stated her DF is not inclined to spend money so ‘renting a house’ isn’t an option. Nor is a hotel.

Not all posters here have a ‘Hallmark cards’ relationship with parents so enough with the ‘you only get one mum/dad you’ll miss them when they’re gone’ posts. There comes a time for a lot of posters when their parents morph into different people. Sometimes this is because of an illness- dementia etc sometimes it is because they can no longer live together. Dealing with elderly parents who do not want to accept age-related change is exhausting so please think before you post.

These could be my parents OP, when we had our first baby we had a 3 bed house, 2 normal sized bedrooms and a box room and my mum couldn’t believe we were going to put the baby in one of the ‘normal’ sized bedrooms and they’d have to sleep in the box room, even though they only visit 2 or 3 times a year. She strongly hinted she wanted our bed, I said no, they’re both quite overweight and I didn’t want them damaging the bed (my dad has got form for throwing his whole weight onto furniture and breaking it) and they turned their noses up at a Premier Inn, but won’t part with the cash to stay anywhere nice enough for their tastes.

I think if I were you I’d say it’s the spare bed we’ve offered or nothing, but sleeping on the sofa is not Ok, I needed to use it with the baby and I couldn’t even though we’d told you not to sleep there. Perhaps your mum needs some sleeping tablets or something?

I don't think it's uncommon for older people to sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms as we do. Perhaps they are just past the age of making do at night even if it's only for a short time. Is there a local Premier Inn or similar they could stay at

It's very awkward having parents living far away. My mum and step dad, mid 70's to late 70's, are 120 miles away each way. They sleep in separate bedrooms at their bungalow. It's a Travelodge for them when visiting us. With twin beds. They pick when it's cheapest through out the year. They pay. I feed them evening meals. This works well.

I actually had a spare single bed in the spare bed room. But my mum really struggles with our stairs (loo upstairs). We have a house. It's safer for her not to stay quite frankly.

MIL stays at our house and FIL stays in a hotel. It’s slightly cheaper than both of them in a hotel and less imposition than both of them staying at ours.

What about them sleeping in the lounge on 1 or 2 airbeds - their choice, or baby sleeping in your room while they're staying? It all depends what you're prepared to give up to accommodate them - be it space, your baby's room but especially your sleep - which you both obviously need.

They might decide themselves that it's not working and suggest something else.

Yes, how on earth can 4 adults manage in a 3 bedroom house.....it's shocking!

Hotel

They ought to book a hotel for the night with twin beds , or get a little Airbnb ?
As you get older you often don’t sleep well and need the space but I wouldn’t expect my daughter and son in law to give up their bed !

Plenty of older people sleep separately because of health or preference reasons. I wouldn't force them to sleep together. Would it not be easier to put up 2 single beds, perhaps one in your office space?

The problem is, how many beds are this couple going to have to buy? It doesn’t sound as though they have a large house.

I feel quite sorry for the OP’s husband. He’s given up his bed and still has his mother in law sleeping on his sofa. I suspect that he just finds the idea of sitting on the sofa after someone has slept on it gross.

I’d sleep in our bed with Mum and chuck DH onto an airbed if he won’t use the couch.

I couldn't bear it.

So we'd stay in B&B or something nearby

For you...

They are probably just uncomfortable away from home OP. My parents are exactly like this and honestly it drives me insane - they are up and down the stairs all night and I hear the toilet flushing every hour at least. They are set in their ways and just can’t settle.