To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

[inthebosc]

Nearing my wits end with sleeping arrangements!

We live in a three bed terrace. Our bedroom, the baby's room and a box room which we use as an office. So not much wiggle room when it comes to guests. My parents (late 60s/early 70s) live a couple of hours away so tend to stay the night when they visit.

When they first stayed they slept on a sturdy blow up king mattress which had very good reviews. We chose it together. This lasted a few visits and they said it was great...until it unceremoniously deflated at 1am one time.

We then invested in a fold up double bed. Again, very good reviews. They stayed on this once for several nights and at the time said everything was fine, until the next time they arrived and my dad announced he'd sleep on the sofa instead as the mattress of the bed was too thin.

DH not keen on having anyone on the sofa so offers them our bed instead whilst we take the fold up. All good, until it emerges the next day that my dad took all the blankets leaving my mum was too cold to sleep. She's knackered.

Fast forward to this time - we offer our bed again and a ridiculous amount of bedding and they come armed with loads of blankets too. Great. Everyone happy. Until 4am when I go downstairs with a slightly grumpy baby in pursuit of more nappies and...wake my mum up, who's trying to sleep on the sofa for some reason.

Arghhhh! AIBU to just want guests in a bed in a room? This makes it sound like I don't want to host my parents but it's the opposite - I just want things to go as smoothly as possible. Also grappling with a 9 month old baby who doesn't sleep well at night so it would be good to know that at least everyone else is taken care of!

Definitely a hotel or air bnb nearby. They may prefer it anyway, I hate staying in other people's houses.

This problem will get worse not better as they age, OP, and the last thing you want is it coming to a head one weekend and an unpleasant conversation taking place.

It might be a good idea to make the local B&B the new normal, be firm about it, get them used to it before they become properly old. If they genuinely struggle financially, help them out with the bill if you can.

@VickyEadieofThigh When I was younger, I'd have said exactly this. Now I'm mid-sixties, I find the concept of a four hour round trip in one day awful.

It creeps up on you, the fatigue when driving.

I am 70 this year and we would think nothing of doing this drive. it is easy!

There are lots of options you could consider if you want to be able to host your parents.
Box room is an office. Could you put some kind of fold up bed in there? Like a futon, or one of thr more expensive fold into a cupboard types?
So the baby has a double room? What sort of bed is in there? Easiest solution for guests I'd if there are twin beds in there, or a double. Baby cones in to your room in travel cot if there are guests. When older she can sleep on camp bed in your room, on pull out bed in office, or in one of the twins in her own room if comfortable with a guest.
For now having an extra bed in her room will be useful if she wakes at night.

I think the solution to your problem is more flexible and better planned beds.

So we're different. I can empathise with those who cannot face such a journey, however. My back pain and sleep deprivation make it harder for ME.

You say they're frugal, could you afford to pay for a premier inn type room for them if booked in advance? As you say otherwise you will end up visiting them and if you factor in petrol and multiple services stops because you have a little one then it might not be much more in terms of cost. Let alone the time / effort in you making the trip.

I think hotel rooms also gives a bit of time and space to chill out for everyone.

I nicknamed my mum goldilocks for this reason! 6 bedrooms to chose from, too light, too dark, superking bed too big, duvet too heavy - turns matyr and sleeps on sofa.

My DH and I are the same and a hotel bed is totally different because it's much bigger and there's more space. We only have a small house so not enough room for a big bed at home, and we'd interrupt each other's sleep far too much.

In laws are encouraged to stay at a local airbnb. When we visit other people we also prefer a hotel or airbnb. And that's without a baby involved.

For now, if the living room is still usable, I'd probably put a blow up in there for one of them as an alternative to the sofa.

But it's not a long term solution. So unless you're planning to move any time soon, that means one couple will have to go in a hotel. If you think the financials of this are going to lead to more pressure on you to travel there and you'd rather not, then the least faff option for you might be offering to fund the hotel yourselves.

It honestly sounds to me as if you need to have some firm words with your dad! They share a room at home, in a smaller bed than the superking you've made available to them. He steals all the covers and complains about your mum disturbing him so she ends up down on the sofa. He's being a pain.

Yes, it's never comfortable to raise topics like this with a parent. But put your big girl pants on and take the stance that when he's under your roof he doesn't cause you problems.

I'd also be asking my mum what he's doing about his sleep, since he pulls these stunts at home too.

I also think the issue is your Dad. He complained about the thin mattress, he steals the blankets from your mum, he cannot sleep with her in the same room/bed.

Is it that actually, he finds the visits, the drive, the sleeping arrangements, a bit much? Much as he surely loves you and his grandchild, he may just be finding it too tiring to enjoy.

Is it possible for your mum to come alone - either on the train, or perhaps dad takes her halfway and you meet them and drive her to yours?

This approach worked well for MIL. DH drove her halfway to his brothers and BIL met them - it was so much easier than one person doing all the driving.

We are the same age as your parents and yes we have trouble sleeping together. For the last few years we have slept in separate rooms at home. When we go on holiday, I always make sure it is at least a king, preferably a super king bed. If we are going to see friends or family we always prefer to stay in a nearby hotel.
You should not give up your own bed nor should guests sleep on the sofa.
Just tell your parents you don’t want them changing rooms. Maybe suggest that they stay at an hotel.

I can't fathom why the airbed was suitable until it deflated but the situation with them in your bed isn't working surely if they struggle to sleep together, an airbed together would be actual hell on earth?!

Tbh the airbed deflating suggests there might have been some shifting about and problems during the night. But possibly I'm projecting here, in that my family would refuse to say anything was wrong in the same way.

'I woke mum up this morning coming down with the baby. We thought we'd fixed the problem giving you our bed but it doesn't seem to have helped. What do you guys see as a solution, but it can't involve the downstairs'

Id def try and find a different solution. Maybe they could stay in a B&B or Airbnb nearby? That way you can l enjoy the time you spend together. And it usually costs less than a hotel.

OP it’s less than 100 quid for a room at the premier inn. If they want to stay over they need to book one! I used to host family … there was never anything in it for me. More work. More laundry. More cooking. More shopping. Airport pick ups etc. Always having to be ‘on’. And most of the time I got low level insinuation that they were doing me a favour visiting. I lived in NYC & now live in a much more laid back but highly tourist area. In hindsight I see it was just free holidays. I never stay with people. I always book a hotel and meet up with anyone I’m visiting at their convenience… think about it OP!

I don't understand this. I am 40 and would never treat my parents (younger than yours) like that. Sorry if that is harsh, but you have one set of parents. They are visiting you. Accommodate kindly. You'll miss them when they are gone.

Maybe it was just how I was brought up, seeing my elders hosting. As a result of this, my younger sister treat parents and guests much differently! We give up our room/bed if that is the most comfortable sleeping option. And yes, even when we have babies and young children! And yes, with a one or two bedroom house!
Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you like to be treated at their age? If they are doing the travelling too, a few days of things not being as they always are is nothing.

Again, apologies for being blunt, but stop moaning and enjoy them while they are still around! Hopefully they don't decide they feel unwelcome, so you never see them because of your actions.

For everyone’s sake, can they not book a hotel or B&B? My sister was unable to host when she lived away due to the size of her house and me and my folks got a hotel with breakfast. If you have a small baby and finding people all over the house when you’re up then I’d request it. My parents wouldn’t dream of imposing like that given the amount of space and their personal sleeping habits. Not good for anyone

They would probably sleep better in a hotel.It seems a shame but we don't seem to have spare rooms so much nowadays. With a young baby you don't need the bother really.
I usually sleep with at least one of the grandchildren when I stay over. I always sleep badly especially away from home,need to get up for the toilet and inexplicably always need a coffee in the middle of the night. I'm a pain but I don't think I disturb anyone!
I don't have a resident partner but sleep pretty badly at man friends...me not him he doesn't snore or anything.
I always say I slept fine. Can't see the point of making the host feel put out. I do appreciate not all older people are as stoic as I am but then I'm in quite good health.

"less than a £100 for a hotel room"
The basic state pension is £203.85 per week, so after paying the travel costs to stay in a hotel would make visiting unaffordable for many retired parents.

For a couple of nights every so often, just make your parents comfortable.

Thing is about them staying in a hotel, it appears root issue is the two of them don't like to share a bedroom, so would they need two rooms in a hotel ?

The OP has bought a couple of different beds (airbed and fold out) and has said that she gave up her bed / room for the last two visits. They still won’t stay in it. How much more accommodating does the OP need to be?

Put mum in the sitting room on a single fold out bed and dad in the office on a single fold out bed.

I think staying in other people's home, even if they're your own children, always infringes on the privacy. You want to limit any nuisance caused by you staying there, so you sleep in the bed offered to you, use the towels put out for you, keep yourself out of rooms you have nothing lost in. I think it's rude of your parents to still want to sleep on the couch. Tell them to not do this again ór to go to a hotel.