To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

[inthebosc]

Nearing my wits end with sleeping arrangements!

We live in a three bed terrace. Our bedroom, the baby's room and a box room which we use as an office. So not much wiggle room when it comes to guests. My parents (late 60s/early 70s) live a couple of hours away so tend to stay the night when they visit.

When they first stayed they slept on a sturdy blow up king mattress which had very good reviews. We chose it together. This lasted a few visits and they said it was great...until it unceremoniously deflated at 1am one time.

We then invested in a fold up double bed. Again, very good reviews. They stayed on this once for several nights and at the time said everything was fine, until the next time they arrived and my dad announced he'd sleep on the sofa instead as the mattress of the bed was too thin.

DH not keen on having anyone on the sofa so offers them our bed instead whilst we take the fold up. All good, until it emerges the next day that my dad took all the blankets leaving my mum was too cold to sleep. She's knackered.

Fast forward to this time - we offer our bed again and a ridiculous amount of bedding and they come armed with loads of blankets too. Great. Everyone happy. Until 4am when I go downstairs with a slightly grumpy baby in pursuit of more nappies and...wake my mum up, who's trying to sleep on the sofa for some reason.

Arghhhh! AIBU to just want guests in a bed in a room? This makes it sound like I don't want to host my parents but it's the opposite - I just want things to go as smoothly as possible. Also grappling with a 9 month old baby who doesn't sleep well at night so it would be good to know that at least everyone else is taken care of!

Twin beds in local hotel

Exactly. Nothing else to add.

This is why we have a no guests rule.

Yeah I know the parents should provide a double for them, that was in the post before that. I was charitably assuming that the room was too small for a double (though obviously in that case the parents should think of another solution). I don't have a daughter so just was thinking aloud about the sheer outrage I would feel to find that the nursing mother in this scenario hadn't been given the bed, no matter whose house it was.

Why don't you meet up half way? Hour's journey each? No overnight needed?

I said we'd like to find a sustainable arrangement that means they can carry on visiting and be comfortable as they and DD get older, and that's not the sofa.

I think you might need to be clearer. This is sounding like you don't want her on the sofa for her comfort. She probably thinks 'oh well I don't mind if it is a bit uncomfortable and although they have given me their bed I still can't sleep there due to dh snoring/ moving/ insomnia so I will not complain because it will look rude as dd thinks she has solved the issue'.

You need to be clear that dh does not want anyone sleeping on the sofa and so that is out of bounds. Bearing that in mind what alternative solutions will help her to sleep?

Op I think you might be an angel, as other posters say if they can’t figure out sleeping together they’re going to find it harder in someone else’s house!!! And I hope someday someone figures out the inflatable mattress thing- we had the same- 3 o clock in the morning screaming because it was deflating on my niece, another one went on bil!!

Premier inn or B&B for them every time. Make it the new normal.

I don't know. It depends on the situation. I'm a way better sleeper than my dh. I can sleep anywhere he would really struggle

Agreed. I bet they do. It's more common than many think.

Have another chat with them.

Realistically as they get older they'd be doing that drive less anyway, and eventually maybe not at all depending on their driving ability.

Discuss why mum ended up on the sofa, and what their needs are for a good night's sleep.

Before the discussion have a nosy for local B&Bs, hotels, Airbnbs, etc. Is their frugality a necessity or a choice?? If it's a choice then they may need in future to choose to either pay for an overnight stay somewhere, or only come for the day.

Would meeting halfway for a day out together be an option instead of them coming all the way to you or you them?

This is definitely what OP should do - we love our family, but worked out quite quickly having kids changed the dynamic of our needs - we don't stay with family and family don't stay with us, hotels all the way and everyone happy on visits.

I think what makes me sad about a hotel is that realistically they would visit us less. They for some reason have got used to living very frugally/simply and I can't see them paying to stay anywhere more than once or twice a year perhaps. It's then likely to be more pressure on us to go and visit them which isn't always easy with the baby and work.

I get it OP, I really do, although I don't have this problem my parents are their age and they sound very much cut from the same cloth. Mine are very used to trundling along in their habits and trying to get them to change anything is a nightmare.

The thing is that you seem to have run out of other options. I think you need to tell them outright that DH doesn't want the sofa being slept on at all (it's possible they've taken what you have said as "we want to be good hosts so that you don't have to sleep on the sofa") - and send them a list of B&Bs, travel lodge etc to choose from the next time. Have a conversation up front about how you won't be able to travel to them more with a small child and that you hope that paying for a hotel room won't put them off coming as often.

If dad raises you living in a 4 bed house again, as him if he's willing to pay!

For Future perhaps 2 smallish singles that can join to make a large double gives flexibility ?

Sorry op but in have just been in fits of giggles imagining the blow up bed deflating at 1am. My mum and dad had the same thing once as we didn't have a bed in our spare room and they were happy to sleep on blow-up. However in middle of night all we could was it deflating everythime one rolled over and then the inevitable ' Tom, tom I'm on the floor ' from my mum. ( in a hyacinth bucket voice).

But from what you describe I think they should be having a conversation between themselves and agree that a cheap hotel would be better. I'm sure itbwould make it easier for you and baby as well and they can come to you in the morning refreshed and happy to help 🤞. My parents seemed very reluctant to try b&b when visiting others however in last few years they tried it and now its not really a discussion unless they stay with a very close friend. They value having somewhere to go back to. The decision to b&b more when visiting family I think came from lots of family getting dogs and my mum not really liking dogs.

I agree with you DH about sleeping on sofa. It sounds like your family are happy to sleep on floor, sofa and make doo ( which is similar to mine) but in 70s my parents just had to come to the conclusion that they were too old to camp or sleep on temporary beds as they used to be able to do. It sounds like you have been more than accommodating!! Maybe invent a reason why spare room is not available and ask them to try travellodge next visit and see how they find it?

Having now lived with my aging mum I see this from both sides.

I think it genuinely is increasingly hard for her to settle in someone else's house because the different chairs and beds cause some pain, because she worries about getting to a toilet in the night safely and quickly, and so on.

She's not making it up and doesn't suffer from significant health things, it's just age making it harder and harder for her to be comfortable outside her home and her stuff.

can you speak to them first?

This all sounds annoying op. I think the best way is to have a private discussion with your mum to find out what the problem actually is before trying more solutions which would likely be wasted effort!

When we were in our first house and DC was a toddler we had sleeping shenanigans with pil and it did my head in! They lived hours away so would stay for a few days to a week a few times a year. 2 bedrooms, 2nd not big enough for a double...

Firstly we gave them our room and slept downstairs on an airbed, and put up with a poor night's sleep when the household disruption would inevitably disturb dc, and the annoyance that one of them would come through living room verrry early to make tea and wake us up.

Then they got a new dog. First visit, he didn't settle and we were kept awake most of the night because they miraculously didn't hear him, followed by the usual noisy early cuppa. Second visit we thought he was no longer a pup so would be ok. Wrong. "Light-hearted" joking about how I like to sleep in (yeah, it's 6.20am and I'm knackered I'm such a lazy mare).

So next time we had them downstairs to be able to get up as early as they like, let the dog out etc. Apparently the (best quality we could find plus nice topper) airbed was too low down and they struggled to get up.

So we bought one of those camp bed things to put it on.... Too high 😂

We have a lot more space now. The dog is getting old and is good as gold. They sleep in later than us. Hang on in there op..!

Argh I hate this! I would rather have a child sleep on an airbed in my room so that relatives have a room then have people sleeping in my living areas because sometimes I don’t sleep very well and I like to be able to get and make a cup of tea in the night if I want to. In this case, could you have baby in with you, and a parent in either room even if one has a single airbed in the box room?

When people get older they find or increasingly difficult to get a good night’s sleep. You’ve gone out of your way to accommodate them @inthebosc but enough is enough. From now on, they do day trips or a B&B.

This is it, exactly

@inthebosc two hours away isnt far! why cant they just drive home?

I'd put them on the pull out and sofa (it's just a sofa). I wouldn't give up my bed for them if I had a baby to nurse, sorry.

The living simply and more frugally.

Even if they have ok pensions if they have been retired for a while they probably do not have the capacity to replenish savings. Even if they had some in the first place.

We have worked out future financial projections for retirement and are on the more desirable end of the scale when you investigate what is considered a comfortable retirement. The gap as soon as we have both retired in the interim years before state pension kicks in is a drop in income of close to 50%. It’s a massive mind adjustment.

When I was younger, I'd have said exactly this. Now I'm mid-sixties, I find the concept of a four hour round trip in one day awful.

It creeps up on you, the fatigue when driving.