To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

[inthebosc]

Nearing my wits end with sleeping arrangements!

We live in a three bed terrace. Our bedroom, the baby's room and a box room which we use as an office. So not much wiggle room when it comes to guests. My parents (late 60s/early 70s) live a couple of hours away so tend to stay the night when they visit.

When they first stayed they slept on a sturdy blow up king mattress which had very good reviews. We chose it together. This lasted a few visits and they said it was great...until it unceremoniously deflated at 1am one time.

We then invested in a fold up double bed. Again, very good reviews. They stayed on this once for several nights and at the time said everything was fine, until the next time they arrived and my dad announced he'd sleep on the sofa instead as the mattress of the bed was too thin.

DH not keen on having anyone on the sofa so offers them our bed instead whilst we take the fold up. All good, until it emerges the next day that my dad took all the blankets leaving my mum was too cold to sleep. She's knackered.

Fast forward to this time - we offer our bed again and a ridiculous amount of bedding and they come armed with loads of blankets too. Great. Everyone happy. Until 4am when I go downstairs with a slightly grumpy baby in pursuit of more nappies and...wake my mum up, who's trying to sleep on the sofa for some reason.

Arghhhh! AIBU to just want guests in a bed in a room? This makes it sound like I don't want to host my parents but it's the opposite - I just want things to go as smoothly as possible. Also grappling with a 9 month old baby who doesn't sleep well at night so it would be good to know that at least everyone else is taken care of!

I'm trying to imagine finding my daughter in law, mother of a new baby, on the floor in the morning while my ds was in the bed. I'd literally drag my ds off the bed.

As has been suggested upthead, would a truckle bed be a solution?

I came to pot this recommendation, with a topper that dan be stored behind it. https://www.made.com/shop/sofas/f/function-sofabed?p=1#155

however I don’t think that the bed is the issue tbh. Can your spare room fit two singles? Or a day bed that pulls out? Onto different levels? Do they don’t lie next to one another?

as for sleeping on the floor at theirs, I would refuse to stay

This. I suffer terrible insomnia and have now slept in a separate bedroom from my partner since January, when my insomnia cranked up into 'not falling asleep until 5 or 6am' mode.

It's easy to say "can't they just put up with it for a few nights" but the reality for some of us (it really does become a thing for many people when they hit about 60 - I'm almost 66) is that it's utter torture.

I think this is more a DH and sofa issue than your parents. My mum would never sleep on a sofa. My MIL on the other hand often sleeps on the sofa despite there being ample beds. I think your dh needs to relax about the sofa and let your parents crack on with sleeping wherever they want. If it’s really not working for them, then they need to book a hotel or Airbnb near you instead.

Set your boundaries op. They will only get worse as they get older. They need a local BB with separate beds.

Sounds like me and dh. I don't like staying away and explaining I can't sleep in the same room as him.

I can guarantee it’s your dad. DH and I are in our 60’s and he simply cannot sleep anywhere except his own bed and gets grumpier and grumpier if we go away for a couple of days.
Speaking to friends their husbands are the same. Yet another reason I would say to young women do not marry an older man.

Sitting on the sofa to watch tv for a few hours is different to 6/8 hours sleeping on it. Also many people don't shower before bed, may have night sweats (me) or slobber on it. Even with covers in it's still going to get grubby but more difficult to clean than a bed.

Re trundle beds/two singles - DH and I considered them, but if they can't sleep in a super king together then realistically I don't think they can be in the same room. It's presumably a noise thing rather than just space.

This is why you need to speak to your DM and see what might work.

As an older person, DH and I always slept together, but when visiting relatives, we actually preferred to stay in a local hotel.

We need some space, and liked to get up in the morning without other adults and children around.

They might actually prefer it. 🙂

I'm trying to imagine the scenario where I expect my DIL and DS to sleep in one single bed because I am too stingy/clueless to understand that 2 adults need a double.

Whilst I disagree with your DH about wearing out the sofa, I do think someone sleeping on the sofa makes a whole other zone of the house unusable in the early morning (and overnight if feeding the baby), which is unacceptable.

Baby's needs have to come first here.

It’s because they see the OP as a child.

Mine are like this too...doesn't matter what backbending arrangements I make my dm always complains that she had a terrible night....when she has had my bed or the sofa bed with a £200 mattress topper on and I've made a up a separate single mattress my df....and I've slept on the bloody floor in one of the kids rooms. I gave up and sleep in my own bed and let them complain now.

I think the dh has invented issues with the sofa as he doesn't like waking up and finding his mil asleep in the living room.
I am also surprised no one has mentioned 'sleep smell', I can always tell when someone has stayed over in our house from the smell, it's easy to change bed linen but it would take a while to dissipate from a sofa!

They just need to stay in a hotel. Next time when they arrive say 'parents we don't anyone to be uncomfortable or struggle to sleep and our sofa Is not an option so we've booked you into the local Premier inn- perhaps we can alternate who pays for this when you visit' also can't believe you sleep on the floor of your old room when you go there and they just let you do that 🤦‍♀️ at least bring one of your air beds with you next time. Secondly if they choose to visit less because they're being tight with money that's up to them but at least once I'd probably pay for them to say there just to be kind but also to make a point. I have a big 3 bed house with one bedroom big enough to have my daughters single bed and a double blow up bed so we do that occasionally for guests but generally most people just stay in a hotel.. some travelodges/premier inns are about £30 a night.

It's not at her MIL's that this happens though, it's at her parent's house. Her parents are the ones being rude and unaccommodating, so she lets DH have the bed as it's her family causing the problems.

And if you were the parent in question and rude enough to not provide enough beds for your guests, you shouldn't be dragging your DS out the one single for his wife's benefit, you should be sleeping on the floor and they can have the beds.

Op your post was triggering! My dp are the same, my dm sleeps terribly, df snores like a bear, so they sleep separately at home. So when they stay with us it's assumed we'll have TWO guest rooms and beds (and bedding) all made for them, with no effort or acknowledgement that this is so inconvenient.

My mum kept suggesting staying on the sofa when our kids are up at 6 and she prefers to sleep as late as possible, and was put out that I said we'd still have to be up and about as usual.

After our third was born and we no longer had the room (or the fucks to give) they stopped staying as it just couldn't work.

I also find it irritating when guests go rogue.

The problem with sleeping in a sofa isn't weight, it's drool. Especially if they've come down on a whim and it hasn't been prepared and fully covered. And yes, the sleeping presence when you come down on the morning is awkward.

Have you actually asked then went they're not just staying in the good sized bed you've given them?

I live outside the UK and my parents used to stay with us on an airbed. Until we had our first DC and we decided no overnight guests anymore. My DF was a bit offended at first but I think he realised that staying in a hotel/B&B is way more comfortable for them, especially as DC got older (and they can leave the chaos behind and retreat to their quiet hotel!). My DC struggle when outside of their routine so it works better now they're older too.

My parents had an uncomfortable double bed in their spare room and I had a couple of shit nights in it. So I said to them ‘You won’t know this as you don’t sleep in it, but that bed has had its day and double beds are too small for two adults and if you add an occasional bed sharing toddler to the mix it’s completely impossible. Please could you get a new king size bed with a good mattress if you’d like us to carry on staying over’

King bed arrived. Job done.

You might find they naturally want to stay less as they get older anyway. This is certainly the case with my parents. When my kids were small they would frequently stay. Now and probably since Covid they’ve stayed once. They are also 2 hours away but prefer to just do a day trip which actually suits us better.
You can only provide a space to sleep and rules ie the sofa is not for sleeping on (though this is a silly rule)
Its up to them what they do with that

Definitely won't be workable when DD is older (hence the conversation I had with my parents before about finding a sustainable arrangement) but for now it doesn't affect her at all. She's in her bedroom with me as normal, and has probably had the best night's sleep out of anyone, having been held to sleep since 1am 😆

Edited to say: that's not to say I'm advocating the sofa. I'm not and told them it wasn't an option. But just to be clear that baby's needs are definitely coming first!