To find my parents increasingly difficult to host

[inthebosc]

Nearing my wits end with sleeping arrangements!

We live in a three bed terrace. Our bedroom, the baby's room and a box room which we use as an office. So not much wiggle room when it comes to guests. My parents (late 60s/early 70s) live a couple of hours away so tend to stay the night when they visit.

When they first stayed they slept on a sturdy blow up king mattress which had very good reviews. We chose it together. This lasted a few visits and they said it was great...until it unceremoniously deflated at 1am one time.

We then invested in a fold up double bed. Again, very good reviews. They stayed on this once for several nights and at the time said everything was fine, until the next time they arrived and my dad announced he'd sleep on the sofa instead as the mattress of the bed was too thin.

DH not keen on having anyone on the sofa so offers them our bed instead whilst we take the fold up. All good, until it emerges the next day that my dad took all the blankets leaving my mum was too cold to sleep. She's knackered.

Fast forward to this time - we offer our bed again and a ridiculous amount of bedding and they come armed with loads of blankets too. Great. Everyone happy. Until 4am when I go downstairs with a slightly grumpy baby in pursuit of more nappies and...wake my mum up, who's trying to sleep on the sofa for some reason.

Arghhhh! AIBU to just want guests in a bed in a room? This makes it sound like I don't want to host my parents but it's the opposite - I just want things to go as smoothly as possible. Also grappling with a 9 month old baby who doesn't sleep well at night so it would be good to know that at least everyone else is taken care of!

You haven’t got space to host people who require decent beds and struggle to share a bed / room. You have no spare room.
I agree with DH about the sofa being a no.

Unless you feel comfortable to give them yours bed and sleeping on a fold out bed , they can’t stay.

Could one of them have insomnia, not unusual as people age. Generally the best advice is to get up and go elsewhere until feel tired again, perhaps she just fell asleep. Although two hours doesn't sound like a long drive, it is four hours there and back and as people get older their safe driving range often decreases a bit too. I am not sure what the solution is but do your parents know that dh doesn't like them sleeping on the sofa? How often do you visit them? Can you sleep there? Unfortunately as they get older it will probably increasingly be you visiting them unless they can move nearer to you.

I would personally if it helped, I see the premier inn as a really cheap spare room. Way cheaper than buying a bigger house.

That said my family members/ in laws would expect to pick up their own premier inn bill because they aren’t tight either.

Because he's a caring, decent person who.doesnt want elderly people sleeping on a sofa!!!

I would revert to letting them sleep in the guest room. Ask your DM discretely if they would stay in the guest room if it was two singles, and ideally get that.

If someone is in the living room then when the DCs get up early let them get their toys out and switch on the TV in the living room, make the point that it's not a bedroom. Or just live with it and get a fold out single for the living room.

So sorry OP. The problem isn’t yours to fix. There clearly an issue with your parents. Who doesn’t sleep all night because their DH took all the covers. You’d just take them back! What is wrong that your mum couldn’t wake your dad to get some cover the first time. As for the second time being on the couch, I agree that would drive me nuts too. You need to speak to your mum and ask her what’s going on with her and your dad.

Because he's a caring, decent person who.doesnt want elderly people sleeping on a sofa!!!

No he's not, he's a weirdo who thinks people shouldn't sleep on his sofa as it will get worn 🙄

I have the same problem with my parents who have to sleep separately so it’s impossible to have them to stay, despite a four bed house. They also book 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom accommodation on holiday. My solution is just for us to go to them instead!

Not a fun conversation, but I think you need to make it clear that if you'd prefer neither of them sleeping on the sofa, but if they do for whatever reason, they'll just have to get woken up with the earliest riser (I.e., the baby). I don't think realistically a few nights of having someone sleeping on it will knacker the sofa to be honest (unless they are staying weekly!) so I think DHs fears there are unfounded. But basically, if you choose to not sleep in the room you've got for sleeping, you don't get to dictate family life in that room!

It's their issue. I wouldn't give it another thought.

A two hour drive isn't that far for a day trip. We simply didn't have space for my parents to stay without significant inconvenience to everyone (4 kids, 4 bedroom house) so they used to just come for the day.

We're visiting them tomorrow and again, we'll just be there for the day. It's simpler too because no need to pack or make up beds.

I have the same guest dilemma but minus the DH and DC!

@PurpleWhirple not wanting someone sleeping on your sofa is not weird. I wouldn’t let a house guest sleep on any of my sofas. Two are velvet and one is leather and I wouldn’t want anybody lying sleeping on them. Bodies sweat and so on, even through bed linen. I appreciate people sit on them but it’s not the same as sleeping and their fully clothed. The thought gives me massive ick.

You haven’t got space for them to stay overnight. It’s really that simple. So either they drive there and back in a day or someone pays for hotel / local Airbnb.

@inthebosc can you have a chat with everyone at breakfast? It does seem unfair you are caught in the middle of trying to please everyone on 45 mins sleep. They are the closest people to you, you are a new mum and getting no sleep. They should be wanting to help you not add to your emotional load. Petty arguments about blankets, sofas etc is not exactly supportive behaviour by any of them at this point is it? I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable but he is by making you deal with it.

I doesn’t sound like it’s your parents, it sounds like it’s your dad that’s the problem! Would they come and visit separately?

Otherwise I agree a cheap hotel is the answer.

Totally agree with this!

Yep this. I'd have suggested this o their second visit if it was my parents! I'm a like it or lump it kinda person though rather than a bend over backwards for impossible to please people 😆

Also agree with your DH - unless it's a sofa bed, then the sofa isn't for sleeping on!

I think having a conversation with them wold be best - agree that offering two single beds in the spare room to your mum might do it - but I would also suggest the hotel option. I do think they need to know that for your house, the sofa is not an option. Tbh although I wouldn't care about people sleeping on the sofa, its not unreasonable to feel that way and it's disruptive to have guests in the main living space.

Financially do you think they could pay for a hotel, but won't, or do you think they couldn't? It's great to live frugally as long as it doesn't affect other people.

There isn’t a spare room, that is literally the problem.

but more often than not my mum decamps to another room as my dad is quite quick to complain about noise/movement etc.

That must be hard for your mum.

I bet she loves spending time with her daughter and grandchild but she’s got a husband who makes sharing a bed unpleasant and a son in law who puts her daughter under additional stress by inventing a “no sleeping on sofas” rule.

If you want your parents to come and stay then tell your husband that either he does all the night wakings with your baby or he stops making things difficult/ nagging you when your parents stay.

If you don’t want your parents to stay, suggest a hotel.

One thing to consider is: are you hoping they will be able to help out with occasional weekend childcare in the future? If so, don’t burn your weekend visit bridges, and point out to your husband that it’s in his own long term interest to chill out about his weird sofa rule.

Thanks, all - I really do appreciate the replies.

To answer the questions re visits, we roughly alternate, although perhaps we've done more of the visiting in recent times. Funnily enough, when we stay at theirs I sleep on the floor of my old room 😅 they only have single beds so I give DH my old one. I always used to do that as a teenager when friends stayed - old habits die hard! I guess my sleep needs are not that high, which makes all the bed hopping even more baffling to me.

I've also told them both before that we'd prefer for no-one to sleep on the sofa. I'm not personally bothered about it getting worn but I said we'd like to find a sustainable arrangement that means they can carry on visiting and be comfortable as they and DD get older, and that's not the sofa. As comfy as it might be it's not going to cut it forever in terms of support etc. and we're going to need free access to downstairs (which is open plan) from early morning in not long. Seems I will need to have this conversation again...

Oh Gawd I'm.a twat re the spare room, sorry.

We just never had a spare room so we went to them or they came for the day - so it shouldn't have been hard for me to understand that!

What? You sleep on the floor when staying at your parents? And your dh takes the bed?

Is there room for a double bed in that room? Because if there is, your parents are being unacceptably frugal at your expense.

@inthebosc I wonder if you got some throws and foam mattress protector to put on the sofa your husband wouldn't mind as much. To be honest, sitting on a sofa would do more damage than an evenly spread out weight if someone sleeping I would think.