AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

This sounds so utterly heartless.

You also haven't given much background - have you tried to have a relationship with your MIL but she spurned that? Or have you just chosen to be remote to her and so feel awkward now she's nearing the end of her life?

From what you've posted so far it sounds terrible and I really feel for your DH and your poor MIL.

It's not about you. It's about him.

You go to support him.

Your kids can stay home if it's too much for them. The 16 yo can look after the 9yo.

Your DH is the one who will be left behind when his mother dies, if you choose to not support him and be there for him during this incredibly difficult time for him, you could jeopardise your relationship with him. This isn’t about you really, it’s not even about your MIL, it’s about your partners feelings and grief. It’s not going to hurt your MIL if you and the DC aren’t there, it’s going to hurt your DH. If you can behave that coldly towards him in his time if need then you might find you don’t have a marriage left after she is gone.

I agree. I was recently with an elderly relative who adored her adult grandchildren and was hoping they would visit her when she was dying. They refused, on the grounds that it would upset them. She died in great sadness. It wouldn’t have killed them to think of her for once.

Don't you want to teach your children compassion?

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad OP, and wish you'd told us about it in your first post, as you've really come in for a hammering from most people, which in the light of this, seems rather unfair.

I therefore don't think you would be unreasonable to tell your DH that you really don't feel able to cope with visiting MIL, as well as visiting your own Dad under these awful circumstances. The fact that you've now told us about this, and that you don't expect your DH to visit your Dad, makes me think that he's actually being rather selfish, to expect you to go and visit his mother who he knows you've never liked, when you have the impending loss of your own Dad to deal with.

Maybe you could suggest that he visits his Mum and you visit your Dad, and when you get back together you can support each other.

I'm sorry if I personally have caused you any hurt, and that when all of this is over, you and your DH can come together again, and console each other as you should.

🫣 I’m tremendously embarrassed for you. Wow.

It sounds as though your DH is feeling guilty as a hell for pretty much ignoring her for most of your married life and is now desperate to make up for it. I wonder why though? Did he actively not want to see his mother or was he being a lazy arse and making up for it with gifts instead? You need to work this out, because there will be a difference in how he feels after she passes away.

If he is feeling guilty because he was just being a lazy arse, he may not forgive you for not supporting him in this.

But if the distance was for a reason, and judging by the fact that she completely ignores her Grandchildren I'd say there probably was a pretty good reason, then he needs to accept that the distance was for a good reason. He will need to mourn the loss of the mother he wished he had as well as the mother he actually had.

Your husband will find emotional support in the arms of someone else.

Have compassion for someone who is dying. Your MIL is not some criminal. At the end of the day, she gave birth to your husband, and he didn't turn out too badly since you chose to marry him.

Age 9 and 16 is old enough to visit a dying family member. The kids need closure as well.

YABU and you’re not setting a great example for your children. I can understand not having the greatest relationship with her, however your husband is losing his parent. He is likely admonishing himself for the lack of time he’s spent with her. When you are part of a family, you show up for your family members. Just because you do not need the same from him in relation to your father it doesn’t mean that you are absolved from supporting him.

I don’t think a 9 year old should be forced to visit someone who is dying, who he doesn’t have a close relationship with and who didn’t want to speak to him when he last visited.

I’m with you op but is there a compromise where your 16 year old can sit somewhere outside or somewhere else with your 9 year old while you visit so at least they don’t have to visit?

What did your DH say when you raised that MIL didn’t speak to the kids?

I wouldn’t assume the kids need closure for someone they saw twice a year tbh.

I can understand not wanting the kids to go, especially with the youngest being 9 and the eldest expressing discomfort with it and neither being given the opportunity to develope any sort of relationship with her previously - so I say fair enough to that. But all the pp saying it's about supporting your DH are right.

I disagree with the whole 'you can support him in other way's' sentiment, because if the support you offer doesn't feel like support to your husband, I'd argue it isn't support at all. I also feel like people suggesting that, might say differently If a woman was posting about needing support from her husband through a difficult period and his argument was, I'm supporting you in a way I can/want to.

I think posters are overreacting.

I had known my MIL for many years when she was diagnosed as terminally ill, but she wasn't a great MIL and she was a shit grandmother. I did take the kids (with DH) to see her a couple of times after she was diagnosed but as the end approached, it was made clear that only DH and his sibling should be with her. Fine with me.

My eldest was 15 when she died, youngest 8, and tbh they really weren't upset. I blame that on DH because he didn't facilitate a closer relationship but I don't think she wanted it anyway. His sibling's child was the golden child and as soon as they came on the scene, she wasn't one bit interested in ours!

She knew nothing about our kids, their likes/dislikes, their interests. She only saw them a couple of times a year. When she bought them a present, it wasn't age appropriate or anything they might have liked.

I supported DH as best I could when she was dying, and gave him carte blanche to spend as much time as he wanted with her (she was an hour and a half away), even though he complained about me spending my mother's last week at her hospital bedside.

The kids and I all felt deeply uncomfortable at the funeral, like we were some afterthought, and not some of her closest relatives.

You do exactly what he asks you to

or this will haunt every row for the rest of your marriage.

You’ll be thrilled to hear that this is not how probate works. Why don’t you use some of the time you save not visiting your dying mother in law to do some research?

If we can all see the distaste for her, so can your husband.

Grief, and the prospect of grief, does weird things to us all.

I certainly wouldn't demand the children go. As a child I was very relieved to have been spared seeing death.

That said, it's important you step up for your husband in whatever way he needs you. This isn't about you, or her. It's about him.

As much as I won't be in the same room as my mil, I know if she was dying and my husband asked, I'd be there in a flash.

If you can't support him, you need to evaluate why.

The main difficulty is that your DH hasn't nurtured his or the children's relationship with his mother, now she is dying they are suddenly supposed to gather around like they have some sort of close relationship with her. It no doubt feels very fake.

In any case though, your DH is going to have to live with what he did or didn't do when his mother has gone, and you need to support him. I'd talk to the children about how at times like this we need to be there to support their father. It's for him, not for MIL.

How long is MIL expected to live for? If a few weeks, I could put up with a lot more visiting than if it was a few months or longer. I'd let him visit whenever and work out what is reasonable expectations for the children and yourself. Focus on being a wife, not your being the DIL.

Of course you’re being unreasonable, you’re being completely heartless to your dh and his mum.

You said visiting her in the hospital was awkward, well no shit Sherlock she’s dieing. And what exactly did your kids expect.

Absolutely encourage your husband to do what he needs to do. But you’re right not to force this on your kids!

If I were dying I would not want to be around people with people who obviously did not care for me and didn’t want to be there. Stay away and let the poor woman die in peace. Your husband is trying his best to support her, which is admirable. His is not about you.

I think your dc are old enough to learn compassion and duty. Demonstrate how one supports a family member during a difficult time, and how it is possible to set aside differences and forgive old disagreements and judgments at such times. I wouldn't expect them to sit there in silence for hours, but a brief visit is not too much to ask. If granny ignores them, just tell them that she is in intense physical pain and mental anguish, and that people are not always on their best behaviour at such times. Imagine that you are setting a blueprint for how you want your dc to treat you when your turn comes around.

People tend to remember how someone came through for them (or didn’t in your case) during the hard and difficult times. It doesn’t matter if you feel anything for your MIL or not. Your job is to support your DH. You are also setting an example for your children as to what a supportive partner looks like.

I don’t really know what else to say without being rude, so i’ll stop there.