AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

My dad is dying at the moment and reading this has made my blood run cold.How can anyone be so heartless?

It's not about you or your kids. How can you be so selfish your husband needs your support.

It's almost like people are different...

You're being horrible. At the very least you should want to be there to support your husband.

This woman? Your disdain and dislike is clear. Your children do have a connection to her, she’s their grandmother. YANBU to stay away, but YABU in regard to supporting your DH.

God you sound like a bloody horrible person.

death is a part of life. Perhaps her husband needs her support.

If it were me and I were dying, I wouldn’t
want a crowd around me but there has been a constant circle of people sitting around her in silence for the past few weeks.

Surely you know that people are different? Some people with terminal illnesses want to be surrounded by family and friends, others don’t. You’re making this all about you.

The fact that none of them has bothered with her for years is as heartless as their behaviour now she’s dying. The pain she must have felt.

Would you say the same of he suggested she moves in with them? How far shoukd this support go?

Except she hasn't and this not what the thread is about.

I agree with the PP who suggested this could impact your future relationship with your husband. You don't need to be weeping at her bedside but it doesn't sound like you're being very emotionally supportive.

He'll remember that unfortunately so even if you don't go and see her, try and be kind.

I actually don't think you or the kids should feel pressured to go and see her.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

Think of it as supporting your DH.

I agree with PPs. It's about doing it for your DH, not her. Even if he hasn't been close to her, it's obviously affecting him. You need to support him and tell your DC to have some compasssion for his situation. Or you can teach them it's fine for their own future children to approach their grandmother's death in the same way.

I think if it were me I'd go and sit with my dh and tell him you want to support him, however you don't feel taking the kids is the way to do that. Talk to him, he may be panicking about 'fitting it all in' before she dies, trying to appease any guilt may feel, suffering with anticipatory grief.

Be gentle with him, be supportive, keep talking to him if that's what he wants or just be constant if he doesn't want to talk. Grief is shit as I'm sure so many of us know and it can have some strange effects. He's doing his best whatever that looks like.

Heartless. Go be with your husband. He will need you.

It’s really not about you being there for someone you clearly dislike. It’s just about being there for your dh, and supporting him. To watch a parent go through terminal cancer is horrific.

ummm those who are shouting for the OP to visit, if the children don't want to go, and OP accompanies her husband, who looks after the children?

Maternal granddad is ill so that avenue is not available.

Just remember your children learn from you !! And you sound very cold not a nice trait at all
I feel for your husband

This. Try to frame it in your mind not as going gor your mil but as a family you and your DC giving your dh support.

OP why do you feel nothing for her? Why did your DH not see her for years?

you are missing the point. Your visits have nothing to do with your and your kids’ feelings towards her, they are all about giving support to your DH. You should go if your DH wants you to support him, you should explain to kids that they go to support their dad. Whether she ignores you or them is irrelevant. You don’t do it for you or for her but for him.
Just because you don’t expect your DH to visit your dad and don’t need his support in this way doesn’t mean he has to do the same.

Shes dying. Your dh is obviously finding it hard. For all your excuses I don’t understand why you don’t have his back? You don’t have to be there for her just him.

You're not being cold and heartless by not making your children go to see a terminally ill person. No way would I have made my children do this. One of them wanted to see my father and the other didn't and I respected their wishes.

I don't think anyone should pretend to have a feeling for someone they don't feel, irrespective of their illness.

We support people in different ways and being there to listen and be kind to the DH is enough; it doesn't have to involve hypocritically sitting at the bedside of someone who, from the sound of it, didn't like OP either.

This is exactly my thoughts. I’m sure your children would understand if you put it to them like this - and made sure they had good books to read / activities to do while they’re there so they don’t have to sit in awkward silence.

It doesn’t really matter what is ‘right’ or how much of a dick she has been in life. Your husband sounds like he is, in a slightly clumsy + indirect way, asking you to help him with his huge feelings around this. If you can set your stuff aside for a bit - then I think in the long term you + he will remember mutual support.

If she'd done something terrible to you and/or the kids then I'd totally get this. But you just say you're not close with her and that's all.

I think the 9 year old is too young to be at the deathbed of a woman he barely knows and feels no connection with. The 16 year old should be allowed to make her own mind up but again I'd understand if my 16 year old didn't feel comfortable with this and I would never insist. But you should be there. Your husband is losing his mum and he's obviously really struggling with it. He probably feels guilty too, which is a very heavy burden to bear. This is when you step up for the person you love and support them however they need you to (obviously within reason). He's not asking you for much at all, especially given her prognosis and the fact that this is likely to be over soon. He will never forget the way you treat him during his darkest days. I can't really understand why you'd resist if you love him. I'd do pretty much anything for my husband. This really wouldn't be a hardship if it was what he needed from me.