AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

Didn’t read that.

You're teaching your children a significant lesson about care for elderly family which you might regret them learning one day.

Tbh the condition of both the mil and the op's df are possibly red herrings.

There is so much bitterness and resentment in their posts I think the marriage is is in serious trouble and the 'should we have to visit dying mil' is the least of their problems, sadly.

Sorry his Mother is dying and he's being OTT?

Again and for the final time because I know you won't answer. Why, with everything the OP has on her plate, do you think the OP needs LESS support than her husband?
It's your assumptions that are irrelevant, I have known, and nursed people through end stage liver failure that have lived a matter of weeks and months. I supported my best friend through stage 4 bowel cancer who passed away 8 awful months after diagnosis. You say yourself we have no idea and are just making assumptions. So why are you so determined that the OP needs no support?

From her updates, I'm not surprised she's bitter and resentful lol.

This.

She's dying. Your poor husband. I think your attitude is shocking.

The OP wrote yesterday:
"my own dad has end stage liver failure so I do understand what it’s like to face the potential loss of a parent. He calls my kids on the phone as he doesn’t want them to see him looking so unwell and in the poor man’s defence he does his best to sound upbeat.

I also don’t expect my DH to visit him nor would I ask him to. My sister and I visit (he’s in hospital) most evenings for an hour or so."

You can find all of the posts that just the OP has written by clicking on the "See All" option in the bottom right of the opening message.

Did you miss the post by the OP where she stated clearly and in plain language this:
"my own dad has end stage liver failure so I do understand what it’s like to face the potential loss of a parent. He calls my kids on the phone as he doesn’t want them to see him looking so unwell and in the poor man’s defence he does his best to sound upbeat.

I also don’t expect my DH to visit him nor would I ask him to. My sister and I visit (he’s in hospital) most evenings for an hour or so."

Do you still believe her attitude to be shocking???

OP's dad is dying too.

Could you please put your vitriol back in its bottle?

What a horrible thing to say to someone. You clearly haven't read the whole thread or even just all of the OP's posts.

I'd suggest you do before you try to turn this into something it isn't.

Be careful about wishing such gratuitous ill on others. Or you could, of course, have chosen to direct this same spiteful invective toward the OP's husband's attitude toward her and her dying father.

No? How surprising. The question is, why not?

The answer, unfortunately, is fairly transparent.

The OP's father is dying too.

Which grandparent or parent takes priority here???
"Are you normal?" Who the actual fuck asks a question like that??
The OP is tending to her dying father, looking after the children, keeping the household and managing to keep a business going. That's not normal. That's superhuman!

Have some empathy for a situation that you should hope you never find yourself in!

Yes. I wouldn’t have said it otherwise.

Which makes the attitude even more confusing to me.

Really?

Even though she's been left at home to run their joint business and care for their joint children with absolutely no help or support from him while he rushes off to appease his guilt?

The part about her father was a nice drip feed 8 posts in. It often happens when the OP finds the responses aren't what they wanted.

It was clear from the opening post that there were underlying issues going on, but as usual, everyone was quick to stick the boot in and kick someone who was quite clearly struggling with their marriage and relationship with their MIL.

The fact that you're accusing OP of lying about her own dying father says way more about you than any of OP's posts say about her.

Well yes but this current sad situation seems the last straw rather than the cause of all the angst.

And? So what. It's her life. It's not a drip feed. I think everyone should assume people have other stuff going on in their own lives.

I suspect you're right. If her DH's behaviour now is any indication of what he's normally like, then I reckon the resentment has been bubbling for a while now.

It sounds awful.

Those telling OP she needs to "support her DH" must be reading a completely different thread to me. For over 3 months now OP has been doing the vast majority of parenting and running the business they share while her DH has been staying over at his Mum's several nights a week. Even on the nights he's home, he's not really present because he's watching his DM on a monitor but OP accepts that. That is support.

OP hasn't threatened to withdraw any of the above support, she hasn't even said she begrudges it. She isn't demanding her DH cut back on his overnight visits to be around more for the kids or to do his share with the business. She's actually said if he wants to spend even more time with his Mum she'll facilitate it! She has visited her MIL in hospital and taken the DC along, although they and she found it uncomfortable, because that's what her DH wanted. The only thing she doesn't want to do is to keep dragging the DC back to the hospital so they can be physically present to watch her MIL die. The children don't want this either, which is understandable, because they have no relationship with MIL and that's not on OP. She is not responsible for assuaging her DH's guilt or regrets about not spending enough time with his DM over the years, and the DC certainly aren’t.

Hello, everyone. Please be sure to read the OP's later posts for further context. Do remember that there are real people behind the posts and consider if your comment is likely to cause further upset to an already difficult situation. Our Talk guidelines are here if you need a reminder. Peace and love.

Yes. He should. This applies equally to him. I don't know whether his mother's death is more imminent or her illness more serious but everything else being equal (more personal guilt about being a crap child doesn't count) they should absolutely both be supporting each other and not one dumping on another.

The OP's question was about whether she's justified in not going to see her MIL when her husband asks purely because she doesn't care about her, essentially, and that's my opinion on that. She said she doesn't mind her DH going off to stay with MIL so assume there are some variables at play there that leads her to feel it's fair enough she's holding the fort, but if not and she's feeling resentful about running business and children, that's something to address with him, absolutely.

I don't think a tit-for-tat "you're not doing this so I won't do that" (however tempting and justified) ever leads where one hopes it will in the context of a marriage.