AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

This 100%

If your kids don't want to visit I wouldn't force them to.

I would have come at it from that angle but still try to support dh. It must be hard to think of losing his mum. And watching her go through that is brutal.

My mum had stage 4 cancer, she had various treatments to prolong her life but died after 4 years. I cared for her. Dh supported me by keeping on top of house, kids. Working.

He did visit but maybe every month with kids. Once she was in the hospice we did a last visit for them. I would not have wanted kids there near the end it was awful.

We were in a similar position a number of years ago when my FIL was nearing the end of his life. My kids and I saw him but he ignored one of them (he had always preferred my son to my daughter!) and both my kids struggled and said they didn’t want to go back. They found it so difficult seeing him so ill and they found the rather awful nursing home too difficult.
DH and I sat down with kids and discussed how we all felt. We all decided that I would focus on the kids and DH would focus completely on his parents. It worked out ok. DH went to stay with his mum and supported her. I stayed home with the kids. There was no pressure on him to input into home life.
I really feel for you OP. Very difficult time for you all.
I am fortunate though that my DH was 100% happy with what we all decided.

You are coming across as heartless.
Your DH's mother is dying, he's trying to make amends, it's never too late.

It's a teaching moment for your kids, they can't be forced to go but sounds like they're feeding off your negative energy.

What she's done in the past is not relevant, he wants to be there for her and needs your support.

Coming on here to talk her down in her dying days and criticise your DH's way of dealing with her impending death is selfish and uncalled for.

He needs his wife there for him.

You have your sister to help with your dad and probably prefer her to go with you to visit.

He prefers to go with his family.

If you can't support you DH in his time of need then yes, it is heartless.

losing your mother is different to your father for most people.... ask anyone who has lost both and 99 in 100 will agree.

She sounds awful so i get it but He sounds grief stricken and like he is coping badly.
I'd do it for my husband. And I'd make my children do it for their father.

One way to square the circle is...
yes you dont like her but you've barely had to see her for X years. Most people have to do 2-3 weeks a year. Even 4 or 5 visits now and you are "ahead"

Do it for your DH.

Most people feel uncomfortable at funerals but it's about the people who've lost a dear one supporting each other, not about making you feel comfortable.

THIS

It's not about you. IMO support should be given to support DH, clearly just not objecting to DH spending time or stating with his mother is not enough.

You have no reason at all to feel the tiniest bit of guilt about not wanting to watch a woman you don't care about in her death throes. And your kids have already done their duty so definitely do not need to attend unless they want to.

But you do need to support your husband, as much as possible - assuming you have a marriage you want to keep. So perhaps the two of you could just go and you can be there for him.

Unfair the kids are kids and probably had no idea what to expect

Dc should not be made to sit with their dying dgm for more than 30 minutes unless they want to.
Take the dc, pstay for 30 minutes and then leave your dh for as long as he wishes.
To me that’s a fair compromise. Hopefully you have 2 cars.

Why would a 9 year old know what to expect, in a situation where someone is dying, and it being a person he hardly sees and therefore doesn’t know very well? I wouldn’t know what to expect, and actually my default expectation was that if i was being asked to visit someone, they would talk to me.

Oh OP, should I join the bandwagon and call you you heartless for your aibu?
So many people PROJECTIng? It's her MIL not all the rest of you or your mother's or fathers. After your op seems nobody is reading the updates before jumping on.
However, support your OH otherwise there may be hell to pay once MIL's gone.
Op has a sick father whom she does not impose on her OH to visit.
Oh she was chatting away in the. hospital to DH It was the kids that she ignored. GRANDMA/MIL is not too sick to talk; just couldn't be bothered to didn't speak to the children so it was uncomfortable. Perhaps they could visit one last time for 10 minutes. Good luck!

Why is your husband's age relevant? Should he not be sad about his mum dying because he's in his 50s? She's his mum. You don't like her but FFS support your husband. You're meant to be a team.

"A terminally ill person"? It's their grandmother. Do people stop having relationships and wishes because they're ill?

Why should children be sheltered from something like this? It's life. People get ill.

Perhaps if you were dying and couldn't say goodbye to your grandchildren because your DIL couldn't be arsed you might feel differently.

I think you might be projecting your own family situation and your own wishes onto your husband's situation ie you saying if you were dying you wouldn't want a lot of people around, your dad not seeing the kids because he doesn't want them to see him unwell etc and you go visit him by yourself or with your sister and not the kids.

Also, as a mum - I know only too well how my children are influenced by my opinion on other people and things - and no matter how much you might be telling yourself this is not the case with your children....they are watching your body language, tone of voice, overhearing conversations with your husband...their opinion will be heavily guided by your opinion.

This is not about your m'n'law - this is about supporting your husband and also showing your kids how to support a life partner instead of making things about you.

Tell him he’s her son - it’s him she wants see- would I be desperate to see my son in laws when on my deathbed errrr no.

What if it's what your husband felt he needed in what is an awful time for him?

OMG What has this Dyeing woman done to you that you feel so filled with spite .
Her son is trying to make things right with her before she passes and as a Wife you should be there to help him though this Not asking Kids what they think as when they get older they will remember this reaction from you Its not like this is going to last for years the Woman possibly has very little time left and is possibly on Drugs that Numb pain and reaction so she didnt Jump for joy at sight of grand children so lets cut her dead Very very sad post which I feel one day you will regret

You might not have a great relationship with her, your kids might not either, but this is your husband"s mother and she is dying. You have to do as much as you can to support him, emotionally and financially.

I think need to have a conversation with him about the impact on the children and their memories of his mother. My parents actively shielded me when my grandparents were dying by not taking me to the hospice/hospital etc after a certain point, so that I would remember them in happier times and not very sick and wasting away, and I'm grateful for that. I can remember on of them in the hospice, but when still able to sit up and eat and talk to me. I can understand him wanting to spend as much time as he can with her, but it may not be in the children's best interests to keep going beyond a certain point.

There's got to be a compromise in there somewhere OP?

Perhaps you and the children could have 1 visit to say your goodbyes but could stay and hold down the fort / your business at home while your husband does the other visits. Or arrange to go every other week with him while you can.

It probably is boring and awkward but put yourself in her shoes. What would be going through your mind? How would you feel if that were you someday and your child wanted to bring the family up to say goodbye but their partner had this attitude towards it?

I do get why you feel the way you do, and your whole family can't drop everything to stay up there indefinitely but your husband really needs you right now! Sorry your family is going through a tough time.

The kids have every right to say they don't want to go.
People have choices and that doesn't start when they turn 18, they don't have to visit a dying woman if they choose not to. Particularly one they don't really have much of a connection with. Same with the funeral, if they want to they should.

I think the OP doesn't have to either but I do think she needs to be a support to her husband.

It is weird and awkward visiting someone who is dying. It's not ever a great experience but if it's someone you don't really have a relationship with then more so.

I do think the OP sounded hard and unsupportive in the way she wrote and said so but that doesn't mean she has to relinquish all choice.

How old are your children? If they are under around 12 I can understand their position. But any older then they should visit. She is their grandmother, their father’s mother. They are being very disrespectful and need to put him first on this one.

No need for whataboutery.