AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

And I've just seen her latest updates. It sounds like she very much does need to also tell her DH what she needs from him to support her while her father is unwell and make veg clear all the things she's doing herself. If he reacts poorly to that and continues to be ungrateful after being made aware (ideally he wouldn't need to be told I appreciate) then there are bigger problems and she should continue ending the marriage. But just declining to support her DH without that conversation is a pretty surefire way to ultimately end the marriage by default.

I've never said the OP needs no support. You seem unable to stop making things up, from this to the OP's father actively dying. You clearly read a sentence and turn it into a whole tale in your head.

I'm sorry that you're in such a difficult and stressful situation OP.

I hope you can drop as much 'unnecessary' stuff from your plate to take the burden off you a bit right now. Is there anyone else in the business that you trust to step up and take on some tasks that you or DH normally oversee in the business?

Do you have a friend that might be willing to watch your kids whilst you visit MIL? I'd certainly do this for a friend in your situation

You have been very generous in the way you have spoken to your DH. I think after this upcoming visit you need to speak to him again to devise a plan on how you can support each other and a fair way of dividing the load. I think you are going to have to spell out to him (you shouldn't have to, but your DH is very wrapped up in his problems right now and is unlikely to realise this on his own) 'my father is dying too, and I can no longer handle all this alone- we need to figure out something else at this point but I cannot continue as we are. Do you have any suggestions?/ my suggestion is that we.....

YABU. If it's awkward between her and your children, then it's probably because you have done nothing to foster a relationship over the years.
And I can't imagine being this cold towards a dying woman.

I think OP is unreasonable too, and should be going to support her DH. However, why on earth is it her job to "foster" a relationship between her MIL and her children? That's 100% down to MIL and DH. Absolutely nothing to do with OP at all and not her responsibility. I would also stake my house on the fact that you wouldn't consider it DH's job to create a bond between OP's mum and the children.

I think OP is unreasonable too, and should be going to support her DH.

While 'DH' does absolutely nothing to support the OP.
And it's said patriarchy doesn't exist...

ODFOD. I'm not doing the work of the patriarchy 🙄 If only you knew what an idiotic accusation that was. I didn't actually make any comment on DH's behaviour, so you've leapt to a conclusion there. I didn't see OP's dripfeed update about her husband being unsupportive and not taking responsibility for his children, which obviously makes him a shit partner. However it also doesn't change my opinion that a married person should be supporting their spouse when they are going through extremely hard times, like bereavement. Refusing to support a grieving spouse is also shit. Not as shit as opting permanently out of being a present husband/father, but still shit.

Actually, I thought you were comparing the life expectancies of both illnesses to say that's why the OP didn't need support. That's why I pointed out my experience. The 'official' life expectancy of an illness means so little because every person is different.
Again, I assumed you were saying the OP didn't need any support because of this. Apologies.

OP, you are in an impossibly difficult situation. I wish I could offer in person support and comforting. I’ve been in a similar situation to you, so I can understand how you may be feeling. I’m especially sorry that your DH is handling things so poorly and doesn’t seem to be able to offer you the same support he is demanding from you. I’m sorry you are facing poor treatment from his relatives and I hope that you and he can get couple’s counseling to work out how you can both support each other.

For decades, my in-laws have treated me abominably. They’ve insulted me, ignored me and tried to convince my DH to divorce me. Some even made up stories about me being abusive to DH and our children and then tried to convince my DH they were true. They’ve made no effort to get to know our children and when we would visit from thousands of miles away, wouldn’t make time for us. Because of this, and some personal stuff related to my DH’s upbringing, we have had a very limited relationship with them over the years.

A few years ago my FIL received a terminal diagnosis. While my DH felt terrible about the state of the relationship and missed time with him, unlike OP’s DH, he understood why and didn’t make it my problem. Like the OP, I maintained our business and ran our household while my DH flew to spend time with his dad. However, my DH understood why I continued to have boundaries with the in-laws for myself and our children.

I’m a former hospice nurse. I told my DH that I was willing for myself and our children to travel so I could be his dad’s carer, but I had some strict boundaries surrounding that. First and foremost, I would be doing it for my DH and not any of the in-laws and as such, I wouldn’t answer to or put up with anything from any of them. We would have to rent an AirBnB as the children and I wouldn’t share a home with the in-laws. Our children would also not be expected to interact with any of the in-laws without us present (this is already a boundary around visits and wouldn’t be lifted just because FIL was dying). Our children would also not be expected to entertain or cheer up any of the in-laws.

My DH understood that by managing the business and home, I was supporting him. My boundaries around my children and myself visiting or helping the in-laws directly was a result of the in-laws’ behavior and treatment of me and our children over the years. He also understood that a sick, dying or grieving jerk is still a jerk. He doesn’t resent me for my boundaries, but he hates that they were necessary. Any regrets he has are his to manage. We made the decision that he travel alone for visits and ultimately he went to FIL’s funeral alone. It was what was best for our nuclear family, as hard as it was for my DH.

Well done OP for reflecting and taking constructive comments on board.

You're in a tough situation but it's not a competition.
Hopefully you can be there for each other on ways you both need according to your strengths.

A lot of posters come on here to be validated and won't take on any advice.
It's hard to Sew clearly when you're deep in the situation but glad you managed to get the good out of this post.

'I'm sure my DH would love to be married to one of the many responders who feel that I'm simply not doing enough for him while he races to make up for time that he never spent with his mother. If I were to drop dead in the morning I'd be confident that DH would have to think about where the kids even go to school or where their uniforms are. After all, that's my job.'

No one has said 'you aren't doing enough', your op was did you have to visit dying mil and must you take your kids who find the whole thing a bit boring. Yes, you do.

The rest of your post about school and school uniforms is bizarre. Clearly bit of a martyrdom complex going on. It may well be justified but it obviously needs addressing at some point.

Do you actually want to be with your dh?

I don’t know as in life my dying DB was much keener to see his DB even than his DC -he’d never had a good relationship with them -possibly because our DF was a poor father.
All this rushing to the deathbed - I don’t agree really -I’d want to seethe ones I actually care about - not all the rest