AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

Thanks for the compliment.

You calling her "that woman" must be so hard for your husband. And before you say that you don't say it to him, if we can see the hatred seeping through on here then so can he.

You should talk to him and say that you don't want to keep putting the kids through it and that they'll visit one last time. They should be told to do it and do it properly for their Dad, he obviously wants that family support.

As for you, well, you should be there as much as he wants you to be. However difficult the relationship has been between them, his mum is dying. What's wrong with you?

Another who thinks you should follow dh lead in this & support him however he needs. Grief can make mountains out of the smallest things. My husband is very relaxed & doesn't make much of an effort with anything but he was good when my mum was dying & that counts for so much.

Put aside your discomfort - if needs be, make the trip & stay for 20 mins with dc, then take dc out for a walk or something, or to go to the shop to get her a nice x,y, z. Do what you have to do to get through but please don't leave your dh alone in this difficult time.

How old are your kids?

I sympathise to an extent as I never had a good relationship with my mother in law but your feelings towards your mother in law are irrelevant in all of this. If you love and care for him, you need to support your husband. It's only going to be for a few more weeks from what you've said. It's clearly important to him or else he wouldn't have asked you to go.
I'm sure he is absolutely certain of the fact you can't stand her but you need to be the bigger person and put that aside for him.
If you don't then further down the line he may resent you for being so cold when he needed support.

A dying arsehole is still an arsehole

How nasty.

She has a son who couldn’t be bothered to see her, and sent expensive presents to fob her off, a daughter-in-law who couldn’t be bothered to see her and resented the expensive presents, and grandchildren with whom she has no relationship because their parents couldn’t be bothered to enable one.

There’s at least one arsehole in this family, for sure.

I think there are many different attitudes to dying and death which mean that it's pretty easy to end up in a family where you have quite different attitudes, causing some level of conflict. I don't really get the bedside vigil hanging around approach, but obviously it matters for some families. I probably wouldn't want my children to see a dying relative unless they really wanted to.

I can understand you not wanting to go and see her if she ignores you and the children and only talks to your DH anyway. You are supporting him by holding the fort at home and in your business while he is away a few nights a week and accepting him spending presumably joint family money on things for her to assuage his guilt at not spending a lot of time with her prior to her diagnosis. Does he acknowledge that your MIL does not seem bothered whether she sees you and the children anyway or is he wanting you to come to make it easier on him? If so I would support him even if you are not keen on her.

Watching his terminal mum on a moniter sounds creepy. I would hate that but if she doesn't mind I guess that is up to her.

OP can I ask, have you lost any of your parents yet? If not, then you have literally NO idea of what your DH is going through, and while he may not have been close to her for most of the time you've been together, he is clearly feeling guilty and trying to make up for lost time now.

Unfortunately I went through similar with my ex husband, when his mother was dying, and while she had made life hell for us over the years, with several spells of NC, when she got ill, she suddenly became a saint in my DH's eyes. I did absolutely everything that I could, to support him and the rest of his family, through the time that she was dying, but he was so guilt ridden after she'd gone, that he suddenly turned around and blamed me for all the time that he'd been NC with her, deliberately forgetting how nasty she had been to me, and that it had been his decision to put a stop to her bullying, each time we ended up going NC. Ultimately, this caused such a rift between us that my MIL managed to do something in death which she never achieved in life - she split us up!!

So what I would say to you is, if your marriage means ANYTHING to you, then you simply have to be there for your DH in whatever way you can. However, I wouldn't be forcing the children to go, just tell him that it's far too emotional a time for the children to see their grandmother, and better for them to remember her as she was, rather than when she's fading fast. It really is an AWFUL time for everyone involved, so please, try and put yourself in your DH's shoes, and don't risk ruining your marriage over a woman who you clearly loathe.

Ironically, an unkind thing to say to @Aisleseat As you say, situations are complex. You can't possibly know enough to sit in judgment.

You are making this about yourself. Your husband needs support and you are setting a very poor example to your children. Are your children reluctant because they are seeing that their mother doesn’t give a shit so why should they.
How about showing some compassion .How old are your children? Imagine if they end up with a heartless partner who doesn’t support them when you are dying.
The monitor is a great idea as long as MIL has consented.Keeps her safe and peace of mind for your husband.

They’re 9 (boy) and 16 (girl)

This. It's not all about you, or your children, it's about a dying woman and your DH. What an example to set to your kids!

Unbelievable.

Try and find it in your heart to show kindness to a dying woman OP. The dying mother of your husband.

In all honesty if she hasn't asked to see the kids I'd leave the 9 year old at least behind and go with your husband. Let their lasting memories of her be happy and healthy

"They’re 9 (boy) and 16 (girl)"

It's a bit late in the day but I suppose there is still time to lead by example and teach them how to show compassion. As it's their Dad that needs it then it shouldn't be too difficult

What is your relationship like with your DH?

The resentment caused by your actions towards him on this could have serious repercussions for your relationship. It’s about him, not her.

I literally do not understand what people seem to regard as the moral authority of having terminal cancer. It doesn't make you a better nicer person more deserving of love and attention. A bit more compassion or pity, perhaps, but that doesn't extend to forcing your children to visit and be ignored by granny.

DH is in a 'tailspin' as he hasn't given a fuck about Mummy up to now. Yet @Aisleseat is painted as the bad guy for not giving a fuck either, about someone who doesn't give a fuck about her or her kids.

You do realise that you are teaching your children how to deal with elderly parents? Frankly people do as much for strangers. While you may not have any feelings for her your husband only has one mother.

It sounds like your dh is now in a total panic after years of low involvement.
op - what is your relationship like with her ? - I sense that there must be a reason why you call her” that woman. “.- has she been manipulative or nasty?
I have had a similar ish experience - I supported dh - by being in the background - but did not visit personally as we had been estranged for many years.

if the dc were close to her then I feel uts good for them to be part of a process - but in this case they are almost strangers .. and therefore its a different matter.

I bet you are all comfortable inheriting.
so cruel and heartless, poor woman.

@KidsandKindness my own dad has end stage liver failure so I do understand what it’s like to face the potential loss of a parent. He calls my kids on the phone as he doesn’t want them to see him looking so unwell and in the poor man’s defence he does his best to sound upbeat.

I also don’t expect my DH to visit him nor would I ask him to. My sister and I visit (he’s in hospital) most evenings for an hour or so.

I've reported your post.

Most certainly won’t be the case. I wouldn’t take a cent from her - I won’t need to worry though, we’ll probably end up having to pay off her bills when she’s gone

re the people saying uour dh may resent it and also what are you teaching the dc

well - op could be teaching them that there are difficult situations but they are not always navigated the same way . The dh. Hardly saw his dm - why is this op fault - ? The dc will be aware that her dh didnt visit - maybe there were reasons?
dh - hasnt visited - he made taht choice for years - surley as adults they can negotiate how op supports him - ? Things are not always clear cut .
for eg when my d m in law who was absolutely awful to me died my dh did not expect me to go - but I listened .. supported and held the fort at home .

op - we dont always have ideal families - there must be a reason he didnt visit - and that tiu feel the way you do .