AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

OP, I'm so sorry to hear about your father.

Sometimes we need to put our own feelings to one side, be kind to others no matter what, you are making this all about you and for me you're a very selfish person.

Yes, but could be months, could be years. This is why people are confused. The OP, after being told by the majority that she is BU, then brings up her father's illness and but never says he's dying. Confused posters then decide he is dying, even though this is never stated.

'In the early stages of compensated cirrhosis, life expectancy may still be upwards of 15 year'.

There isn't a rule book to how we should behave or proceed when our parents die, but supporting ones partner in how ever they want to do it, would come pretty close

I had something similar with my FIL he was an horrible man and my husband would 100% agree with that. He threw us and our son out of his house and left us homeless spent 6 years nearly with zero contact apart from him bad mouthing is to anyone who would listen. Fast forward to him getting sick and suddenly it was like nothing had happened he still didn't want to see me but expected his son to be with him all the time, he only lived about 2 weeks but it was me and my husband who spent his last night in the hospital with him holding his hand whilst he passed away. Now I done this solely for my husband and I'd do it again if need be. This is about your husband not your MIL so you need to let him lead. If he's only asking you to visit every so often bite your tongue and go.

Bloody hell, your husband’s mum is dying, and you are “uncomfortable”. Of course you and the kids would rather watch TV and eat popcorn than visit her in hospital but this is your family member going, regardless of how close you feel to them. Surely it’s not about comfort, it’s about showing respect for your husband and his mum, and teaching your kids the same

Is it a two way thing where she sees him? Or a spy camera.

Personally, I'd try and mentally reframe it as "doing something I don't especially want to do, for someone I love", which is your DH.
He clearly needs/wants your support at this time. And presumably she is fairly near the end anyway, so this isn't a "forever thing". I'd suck this one up.

I'm about to go and drive 2 hours to spend 3 nights nursing my elderly mum who has hurt her knee. Do I want to go? Not really. Was I looking forward to a quiet, relaxing week off? YES. Did I have plans that I've had to cancel? Yep. Will I put on my big girl pants and my calm, friendly smile? Also yes.

Frankly, being an adult really sucks a lot of the time. But I think "dying MIL" falls into the category of "try and do it with a bit of grace and a fake smile."

The OP wrote that her father was in end stage liver failure. The life expectancy of this is 18 months to 2 years. He is in hospital, looks ill enough that he doesn't want his grandchildren to see him and the OP and her sister visit him every evening.
My relative was diagnosed and passed away from this within weeks. It was not a pleasant end.
Sorry OP, not to frighten you, my relative was in denial about how ill they were for a long time.
She is dealing with her father, has taken on the business load and her children need looking after while her DH goes to his mums for days on end.
Can you please articulate why the OP herself doesn't need support?

So is the ops dad, he doesn’t seem to have been an arse to her husband yet her husband doesn’t seem to be bending over backwards to visit him and look after him? That would be the decider for me in this situation. Absolutely darling, I will give you 100% of the agreed amount of support we provide in this marriage for dying parents. I think that means I tune into a phone call once a week?

Selfish is ignoring your wifes dying father and expecting her to run a business and a home and sort out kids so you can appease a woman who doesnt sound particularly nice.
OP isnt the selfish one and I actually hope that for once she is making at least something all about her.

Was it just the MIL stage 4 cancer that brought out your central character syndrome or is everything always turned so that its about you?

Your husband wanting to be with his dying mother is understandable, your kids not wanting to be around the dying grandma is understandable. Ypu making this whole situation fractious is way out of order. You should be navigating this void rather than causing disruption and arguments when you should be supporting.

Suggest that he goes and be with her as much as he likes and you'll keep the household functioning in that time and make sure the kids keep their normality.

It's coz she's a woman - people expect her to fill whatever role is required with no thought to her own needs.

I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here

Try harder!

I don't know if I would be able to stay with my husband if he had this attitude toward one of my parents. It's actually quite chilling reading your replies.

I haven’t read the entire thread but I think these things are very subjective. If MIL isn’t a nice person and hasn’t fostered a relationship why would things change when she’s dying? Let her son visit and comfort her but is it necessary for OP to also visit and the children (and I mean visit repeatedly)? Unless MIL is asking to see them, I suspect she probably wants to see her son only, as he will be the most important person to her

I know @chocolategg 😔 I just wish these posters had the guts to actually say this. They never do though, they just say things like 'it's not a race to the bottom'. It's tedious.

You don’t have to go and neither do your dc. Support your dh but don’t feel pressured

Jesus OP it's not about you. Who cares if the kids are slightly ignored and not centre of attention for an hour, it's not about them either. Your husband is dealing with mil dying and asking for a bit of support. Unless she's severely wronged you in life what does it really take from you to go visit now she's at the end. Your husband is dealing with the shock, guilt and impending bereavement all at once. I'd say he thought he had more time to spend with her and is feeling extra worse that he's not been to see her mire. Be a human being and spare him a couple of hours

To do what?
Unless there is anything she can actually DO I dont see the point. Me and DH have a great relationship but when my Mum was in hospital I preferred to go on my own to see her and I am sure she did too.
If OP's H is actually articulating that HE needs her to go then I dont see why she should, sounds like the MIL isnt bothered

Why is the guilt always piled on women - the OP is responsible for her own family and the husband is responsible for his. The husband hasn't had much of a relationship with his mum. In turn nor have the children. Nothing can undo that and the guilt will be the husband's; whatever he does now is too late and he knows it. The OP is holding the fort at home; she is supporting as well as managing her own situation with her father. The 16 year old can decide if she wants to go. I agree the 9 year old is too young.

The husband now needs to prepare himself and the OP will no doubt support him when the time /guilt comes. Even in the best relationships, when someone dies there may be guilt. This is not the OP's fault, it's the husband's. She is not heartless - as usual, the woman is expected to 'be kind' - AKA shut up, suck it up and make it better for the man.

What support do you think you would want and need if the situation were reversed? Do you think you would accept your behaviour from your husband? Would it impact your marriage going forwards?

Wow you sound so selfish OP
the poor woman is dying
try to have some empathy

Ultimately you’re doing it for your husband, not for her.

Don't go, as long as you are sure you will never need you husband's support and/or comfort in your life,

Oh and it’s not about your kids either OP. They don’t need to be the centre of attention all the time.