AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

There's clearly more to this but I don't see the connection with paying her bills

I'm so sorry @Aisleseat that you have had to read such vitriolic responses, of course those who have spurned you are themselves model wives who would put their husbands needs whatever they may be before your own dying father. 🙄 the lack of compassion for you is something else. 💐

The fact that OP hasn't had a close relationship with MIL until now shouldn't keep her from going to a visit to MIL in what seems like her last few days if she's in hospital now. Even if it's just for her being there as support for her own children.

Doesnt mean I think OP partner is not awful for lumbering her with everything ( I've just read the update about her own parent) he should equally be there for OP and pulling his own weight of the business - but clearly isn't. So there clearly a husband issue there but still doesn't absolve her of any humanity in visiting the woman from what seems like 2 times from her original post.

OP is partner not visiting your dad too?

@Nazzywish it's not just OP who hasn't had a close relationship with the MIL though - her husband didn't bother either. He only cares now because she's dying and he feels guilty - which is understandable, but it's not OP's fault nor is it her problem to fix.

Her own father is also dying in hospital and she has a business to run as well as two children to care for, as said husband has just disappeared and left her to it.

I know who I feel sorry for and it's not the DH.

Because women have to do everything, even if it's at the expense of their own dying parents 😉

OP I think you may have received more supportive responses if you'd have told us about your dad in your first post.
I would still go though. But that's just me

This isn’t about you and your feelings. Your husband needs support because his mother is dying. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Do you not read? The ops father is also dying. Read the bloody thread!

OP's father is also dying. However, she's not receiving any support because her husband has disappeared to be with his mother, leaving her to run their joint business and care for their joint kids alone, as well as support her own dying parent.

So yes, it is about her and her feelings too.

I agree with this. I'm in the same situation with my mum but fortunate in that her and DH have always got on well so he's really supportive of my time with her. It's all still horrible but I'm so grateful he's supporting me.

PS I did completely miss the bit about your dad, so sorry for you too. Sounds like you both need to find a way to support each other through this difficult time. Easier said than done when emotions are high and feelings delicate I know.

Nope. Your relative and the OPs dad are different cases. People can have the same diagnosis and different prognoses based on many factors. OP never stated her father was dying. This came from you and other posters. People with end stage liver failure have a median life expectancy of 2 years, meaning it could be more or less. Sometimes a transplant might be possible so it may not be terminal.

OP only brought up her father's illness many posts after her original to try and further justify not visiting her MIL to the majority of posters who thought she was being unkind. Her father's illness didn't seem to factor in her OP or the several posts after. This is disingenuous drip feed.

Yes, shocking attitudes. No family values.

I'm sorry, too. Unfortunately this seems to be the way of AIBU. 'Kick an OP' seems to be a variation of 'whack a mole' on most of these threads.

There are all manner of ways in which a spouse in this position can be supported. In your shoes, @Aisleseat, I'd willingly be there for my DH, listen to him talk whenever he wanted to, and keep home and business afloat. There is also the wellbeing of the children to consider and whether he likes it or not, their wishes do need to be taken into account.

In cases of long illness bereavement (and impending bereavment; a lot of the grieving is done before the actual death) isn't conducive to clear thinking. You can be a rock for your family without ceding to your DH's every wish of having you and the DC spend time with someone who has treated you badly.

I understand how your DH feels, but unfortunately at this juncture playing happy families is a little too late. Give him the space he needs to connect with his mother and take care of any unresolved issues with their relationship, whilst there's still time. And frame it as such.

for you.

OP you need to consider this carefully.
When she dies your DH may massively resent your actions towards his mum. It could cost you dearly.
Support him as much as you can, make sure he knows you are keeping the business going to give him this time.
Ask the kids to send texts, cards or photos if they can't visit.
She's not likely to live much longer, dont make her last few months sadder than they need to be.

Only 50% of people with this diagnosis survive after a year. We have no idea how long the OP's father has been in hospital. After the OP kindly updated, you still feel it necessary to post this bile.
Oh, and you still didn't answer the question

OP's father is in hospital with end stage liver failure - he is dying too.

Where's his support for her situation?

@Aisleseat - I think you're getting a terribly hard time on this.

You are supporting your husband. You are keeping the family going, looking after everything (carrying the physical and mental load) at home so that he can be safe in the knowledge that he can attend to his rudely healthy father (love that expression) and his terminally ill mother and nothing will get overlooked at home.

I think you need to have another conversation with your DH about this and about what is down the line (if he is bringing your perfectly able-bodied FiL breakfast in bed, ffs), as your FiL will have to get up to speed rapidly on what it takes to run a house. Are the bills in your FiL's name or both names? Does your FiL have his own bank account or is it a joint account (could be awkward during probate)? Does your Fil need any sort of carer to visit on a regular basis - best to start the ball rolling on these sorts of things sooner rather than later. When your MiL does pass away, will your FiL want to move closer to you or stay where he is?

Those are the sorts of things that your DH needs to be sorting out now while his mother is still alive and you can support him while he does them.

Who's supporting the op with her own feelings about her dad who is also terminally ill? Not her dh it seems. Fuck me MN really is a shithole sometimes. So many nasty bitchy women.

Yes exactly. We have no idea- so your question as well as all your assumptions are irrelevant. We do know that her MIL is actively dying though.

I'm glad the OP has taken this thread on board, talked to her husband and that they have come to a resolution. It's the only way to maintain a supportive, loving relationship.

It's awful isn't it?

I would never, ever post on here for advice. You just get kicked and kicked (and then kicked some more).

OP I apologise and rescind my earlier response as I hadn't realised you are also dealing with a terminal parent. No wonder you don't have the emotional headspace for your husband and mil and I think by keeping the business going and kids sorted while facing the same situation as your husband then that's enough support for him. You both need to look after your own emotional well being at this point but your husband should also be appreciative of how even though you're going through the same you're the one keeping things going so he can come and go. Hope you're doing ok OP, must be extra tough time for you

As others have said this is about supporting your husband as MIL sounds dreadful. My DH had terrible parenting but the run up to the death of his parents turned him from an absent son to a really present one. It was weird. But our parents are so huge in our lives, even if they are shit parents.

You obviously are supporting DH a lot to be picking up work and chores for him so that he can spend time with his mother. If he isn't clocking this then I'd make it clear to him. I would try to indulge his requests for you to visit if you can manage it as well as everything else that is on your plate right now. As for the kids, if MIL has no real relationship with them I wouldn't be making them go unless they want to.

Your DH deserves to feel supported by his family at this difficult time, even if his actions don't seem very logical. You are important too though and should not be doing more than you can really cope with at the expense of your own mental and physical health. This kind of thing is hard to go through but ime it can also strengthen the bond between you and DH.

I understand the weirdness of it all.

This is horrible, you might be a mum in law one day.

Calm down. I didn’t read that.