AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

@Aisleseat

Are you able to edit your OP? You need to make it clear that your DF is dying also. Your OP makes you seem pretty callous and doesn't mention you are also caring for a terminally I'll parent.

There will be people who have been through this - separate parents from separate sides of the family, terminally ill at the same time. They will be able to give you practical advice.

YABU
This should not be about you. It really isn't going to hurt you to show some kindness to her during her last days - for your DH's sake. Put yourself in his place. See how hurtful you are being.
Edited: So, I have read that your father is also ill and I feel for you. I still think that you can be the bigger person here, because your husband is asking you to.

The OP is dealing with her own father who is in hospital with end stage liver failure. She has taken on the full load of their joint business. While doing all this she is also looking after their 2 children. Alone.
Can you articulate why you don't think the OP needs any support herself?

You can -because that is humanity. FGS 🙄

It's not like they are even saying it nicely when they disagree with OP either it's very unpleasant

Yes you are being unreasonable. Do you not have a heart at all?

What on earth has happened to society when elderly parents are lambasted for not ‘ talking to grandchildren’ whilst lying seriously ill in a hospital bed and a seriously ill grandfather is applauded for trying to sound ‘upbeat’ whilst dealing with liver cancer so as not to upset the grandchildren!
You are not being a good role model for your children.

@RiderofRohan her father has end stage liver failure - life expectancy at that stage is a matter of months - it's not 15 years.

Yeah you're right. you do seem like a heartless b.

There's no backstory of her being really bad towards you and your family so why the horrid response towards her?

Yanbu , to not want to be there for her but your husband probably needs support through this. I'd imagine there's a certain amount of guilt causing him to want you all to spend time with her now. It's something you would be doing for him not your mil.

Nope, humanity is being there for your mother while she’s alive, not because you’re feeling guilty when she’s on her death bed.

Because they haven’t had a relationship and it’s only since MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer that the DH has been remotely bothered about spending time with her.

Because OP also has a dying parent and her husband has just left her to deal with their business and children while he rushes off to appease his own guilt.

I would do what ever it took to support my husband because i love him.

Even if you also had a dying parent and he wasn’t supporting you?

I'm not able to edit my original post or maybe I'm looking in the wrong place.

As an update , I've taken the time to reflect after reading a lot of rational comments which I do welcome.
I've chatted with DH this morning and told him that I will support him in any way that he needs. We will travel to see her this afternoon and I'll put on my best face so as not to let the side down. I'll also not respond to barbed comments from MIL or his siblings which is something I have dealt with since I've met them.

As others have alluded to - I'm under a serious amount of pressure at the moment in the support that I give to my husband and a lot of it simply goes unnoticed.
I run a business, run a household, have 2 children that are in the middle of their easter holidays - one who is stressing daily on account of her upcoming exams plus I'm visiting my own dad on a daily basis.

I'm sure my DH would love to be married to one of the many responders who feel that I'm simply not doing enough for him while he races to make up for time that he never spent with his mother.
If I were to drop dead in the morning I'd be confident that DH would have to think about where the kids even go to school or where their uniforms are. After all, that's my job.

Wishing you all a very Happy Easter Weekend

No one pays anyone else's bills when their gone. Their estate pays and if there's nothing in the estate they don't get paid. They're not your bills

You are being massively unreasonable. It's his Mum. Support your husband in the way he needs supporting. It's not about her. It's about what he needs as your partner while his Mum dies.

It looks to me like he's trying to make up for lost time. So i would give him that opportunity yes.
If I didn't feel supported in my marriage that would be an issue for my marriage for me to deal with at a more suitable time.

This won't come into play - I have an FIL also who is in perfectly rude health . However he also requires assistance now as he needs to be served breakfast in bed as his wife is now unable to look after.
This is another of my DHs tasks

He also needs to support you though with the business and your mother. You are team.

Please don’t let these responses make you feel guilty. You are doing more than enough and some posters on here need a seriously reality check if they think you’re even remotely callous.

I’m genuinely really sorry that you’ve had to read some of these responses. They are absolutely horrible and you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Nothing.

Good for you @Aisleseat . I hope your DH appreciates you and all that you have taken on while going through a tough time yourself.
Please DO remind him of this. It won't do him any harm to reflect. Otherwise he would face the same feelings of guilt if anything happened to you god forbid.
Good luck.

If he’s trying to make up for lost time, that’s his issue and he shouldn’t be guilting OP into joining in. She has enough on her plate without having to do that as well.

The time to foster a good relationship with his mother was years ago.

I do quite like my MIL but even imagining I didn't like her, I do definitely really like my OH and would offer whatever support I could.

also I sympathise as I don't love being round sick people but would understand that might not be compatible with a continued relationship with OH.

Why is it down to women to manage their Husbands relationships with their families? It sounds like DH hasnt been too bothered until now and OP has supported and agreed with that.
Just because he has now done a guilty 180 doesnt mean she or her kids have to as well.