AIBU To not want to visit my MIL who is dying

[Aisleseat]

As background, I’ve been married for 19 years and never had a close relationship with my MIL. She lives a few hours away and my DH would be pretty bad at visiting also. To make up for this he has spent the last number of years just buying her whatever she wants to appease her - and trust me, she’s always looking for something - from tvs to phones to hotel stays, he forks out. My kids would see her a couple of times a year.

Just before Christmas she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer with a poor enough prognosis. My husband has now gone into a complete tailspin and since December is spending a few nights a week staying with them. He’s 54 btw. We work together in our own business so I’m picking up for him while he’s out.
The problem for me is that he seems to want us as a family to be ever present when she’s dying and I quite frankly just don’t want to do it. She was in hospital for mothers day and we went to visit her (because according to him its likely to be the last time she would see us together) with the children and she didn’t say one word to them. It was unbearably awkward and my poor kids didn’t know what to make of it.

So tonight, DH has arrived back from his overnight stay and has told me that we will all go to see her again on Sunday.
Ive just told him no, it’s uncomfortable for the children and for me. He can spend his entire week down with her for all I care but I just don’t want to see her.
If I hear again “this will probably be the last time she sees her grandchildren”
I’m trying not to be a heartless bitch here but it’s hard when he’s now stormed into the other room and is watching her on a monitor that he has set up in her house.

AIBU by refusing to go visit when quite frankly I feel nothing for the woman

I haven't RTFT, but when my FIL was dying in another country we would do weekly Skype calls so he could see his grandkids. He wasn't actually up to spending time with them, as they were little at the time and he was very ill and exhausted, and besides he was several hours flight away. So could you propose a compromise of regular video calls featuring you and the kids, if indeed your MIL wants to see them?

As for a visit over the Easter holidays, I think you should go. I know it's not pleasant, but there are things in life that we should all do, even if we don't enjoy them and teaching kids that there are duties in life that we need to fulfill, even when we don't want to, is important. And as for you, come on OP, you need to support your DH, even if he hasn't exactly been son-of-the-year up to this point. This is his mother!

I didn’t think that needed clarification either but apparently some people will come up with any reason to OP bash!

You really need to RTFT.

OP also has a dying parent and he’s been
left to hold down the fort at home single handedly (including running their joint business).

She’s doing plenty and receiving absolutely no support in return.

Doesn't sound like she needs it

Charming. And people say OP lacks empathy 🙄

You have to support your husband, just like he would if it was your parent. Have some compassion for him please. My mil was in a hospice (with cancer) for 4 months. It was horrible visiting, but it had to be done.

I am pretty ambivilent about my MIL and I would be the same as you OP.
I wouldnt go and see her every time and I wouldnt make my kids go if they didnt want to - I would probably tell DH that it would be nice for the 2 of them to have some 1 on 1 time as they probably had things to discuss.
I seem to be in the minority but if you dont like or feel nothing for someone I dont see why that changes if they are dying. I would support DH but when he gets home

OP also has dying parent.

•bangs head against wall repeatedly•

I think you might be a little over invested in this thread.

You made the effort and she ignored you and the kids.

you reap what you sow. She sounds awful.

Not really, just passing the time while I’m stuck home with a horrible cold.

YANBU not to want to visit. YABU not to visit.

It all sounds so odd, you don't want to visit your dying mil, you don't expect your dh to visit your dying dad.... are you just co-existing? Seems unsupportive.

Christ that’s cold.

Yeah I think I'll go with this. Plus the kids shouldn't be forced to go imo

Ignore, its what posters put when they dont like what you are saying and want to shut you down.
Just be grateful you aren't spending your saturday morning trying to tear a woman, who is dealing with alot, down. Hope you feel better soon 😊
Edited cos of fat fingers.

As long as you don't mind your dh and kids doing the same thing when you or your family are dying, contine as you are. What you are teaching your kids is indifference to other people, they're modelling your behaviour. They see you can't be arsed so they are behaving in the same way.

Both you & your dh haven't cultivated strong links with his family so invariably you're teaching your kids to do the same. Your dc have witnessed that their dad never bothered with his mum until recently so they don't see why they should either. You're setting yourself up for a similar distant relationship with your kids and their partners. I've seen it happen so many times, it's a very predictable outcome.

This.

As long as you don't mind your dh and kids doing the same thing when you or your family are dying.

Her DH hasn't bothered with her dying father at all. Her father is also trying to maintain a relationship with his grandchildren over the phone because he doesn't want them to see him looking so ill.

I'm not sure at this point why people come to this site with nuanced issues. Just thinkof the most PC response and flog yourself with it. In reality most of the people having a go at the OP won't do what they are asking her to do.
The OP also has a dying parent, children to take care of that dont want to be around death and a business to run. But how dare you not drop everything, to be there for your husband. What kind of a woman are you OP? you must support you husband first and still keep everything together. And don't dare expect support because you dad is dying too, his mum is dying first 😡 Don't you know his grief trumps everything. He is mourning you know.

Heartless doesn't come close.

Remember you're modelling future behaviour for your kids here.

Her father is dying. Right now. And she's still running their business, supporting their children. Alone.

I think she's doing enough.

OP's father is dying too. And she's doing everything for their business and their children while he criticises.

Please stop bashing her.

My friend’s DH died of cancer and afterwards she said to me “ you only get one chance to get it right” Your DH can’t go back after she’s gone and the fewer regrets he has the better for his well being and your marriage.

I can understand wanting to protect your dc but think about accompanying your DH, maybe 1:3 visits ?

Nasty people don't get a halo just because they are dying.

My MIL has treated me and my children (her grandchildren) with contempt at best, and like shit at worst - for years and years - despite me trying to put up with it and be the bigger person. As a result, we no longer see her. I certainly will not be visiting her on her death bed. It's up to my other half if he wants to.

I think this depends entirely on your relationship with her prior to her illness.