Cheeky Fckers

[thisisasurvivor]

I had a work trip on mon and Tue

Tue was a 12 hour day and was up since 4 working

My friend text at 9.30pm to let me know she needed to drop her soon uo at 8am
The next fcking day to be looked after

I text back that I was not even home yet

She didn't respond

7.40am next day knock on door
She dropped her son off

I was so angry/tired/ bewildered to go bat shit

SHE DIDNT TEXT AFTER TO EVEN SAY SORRY OR TO THANK me

I'm so done with letting this shit happen

Sorry I just need to vent

Next time she asks I need a firm response

No doesn't seem to work as she has been known to come up anyway and say she has no one

I'm a single parent and I work from home

She has dropped her kids to me many times while I work from home

Fcking cheek

She has many sister in laws who can step in wt f is she still as this utter shit

Before you text her about childcare text her

’Mary I forgot to ask on Thursday but can you transfer me the £x back this week that you owe me from summer camp last year - do you have my bank details?’

Then when you have it back tell her that her free childcare is over. She (and her husband) are stingy that’s why they rely on you. The fact you paid for camp and she hasn’t paid you back is extra evidence that they are mean with money.

But you need to read up on why you are not prepared to put boundaries in place. Why are you unhappy communicating what you really feel? Why cant you say ‘no’? Because you ARE in control of this situation but you are choosing not to be. ‘No Mary I can’t look after Archibald on Thursday - I’m up to my eyeballs in work’ would have been an appropriate response the very first time she asked. But you don’t say what you mean and expect her to read between the lines.

She doesn't appreciate it at all

Her father once said he was booking a holiday at Easter otherwise she would land up to him with the kids and expect free childcare

She has lots of people to help her and loads of money to pay for it

Her son is no bother at all it is her that is the Issue

We took him out for pizza in Feb mid term ( she had gave warning that time and I was off work)

She asked me to. Buy two extra pizzas to take to get older boys

It never ends

I can't manage the stress of it all and I need to work as much as I can to pay off the debt I am in

She is off all next week and knows I am working
The decent person would say - I owe you 5 days childcare let me take them for you
Or even a day or two !!!

Add up the recent hours (last 2 months even) childcare plus the summer club and send her an invoice.
If you are working hard to pay off debt plus minding her child she can at least pay you
Advise her going forward she will have to pay in advance for any childcare but make the rate twice normal rates

This...
And add that i cant care for your child anymore, i have too much work to do.
Leave it at that

DO THIS BEFORE SUMMER!!

So ask her to take your kids next week. See how she says No to you.

‘gosh Mary, I can’t afford 2 extra pizzas, if you transfer me the money now I’ll get them but I can’t sub you. In fact can you transfer the £x from last summer today as well please’.

Dear CF

Please collect your kid from the custody of the Police and Social Services.

Never contact me again.

OP, stop sharing further just how adacious and ghastly this woman is.

You have allowed this and enabled it.

Best way forward is a strongly worded text and then blocking her. She brings nothing to your life and will be no loss.

Woman up and tell her this morning.

I am so confused.
If you decided to open door, your words should have been..I said no, respect me. Close door

Send her an invoice for the childcare, the pizza, holiday club.

Op I think you need to reframe how you think. Maybe you have been brought up to be a people pleaser (I was!) and feel like you don't want to be seen as 'not nice' by saying 'no'. It's really difficult to handle that feeling of people thinking you're not super helpful and accommodating.

I learned a trick that has helped me with stuff like this (honestly!). It sounds so basic but it blew my mind. Standing up for yourself when you're a bit on the soft side (that's me!) feels horrible, with all of the guilt and self doubt. The trick is to feel those feelings and stand up for yourself anyway. S

Say 'no', feel all of those horrible feelings of panic and anxiety that you aren't giving somebody something you owe them, and just see it through.

You also need to have a key sentence in your mind to keep repeating to yourself when you start freaking out that you're not being helpful enough. Maybe it's 'my own family is my only responsibility', 'I don't owe anyone free childcare' or 'I won't be taken advantage of'. Keep referring to this when you're enforcing the boundary.

CFs generally have 2 common traits:

1. They count on the fact that you will be too polite to say 'no' and will quote happily exploit your nature for their gain, even if it bothers you. They don't care an iota about you and only want to use you. They are not your friend.

1. They are generally entitled and will push hard against any boundary you erect, so don't be surprised if they seem angry with you. It's because they want to control you so you will do what they want and feel annoyed when their handy little system doesn't work any more.

So, with all of this in mind, change your perspective and OWN your right to say 'no'.

It is yours.

'I have a right to say no!'

Ps. Ditch this friend.

I would actually contact her to say that you think you’re coming down with a stomach bug or something as you’re suddenly feeling very unwell and you don’t want her child to pick up what you have. She’s to come home and collect her child by X time.
Then when she arrives, wear your dressing gown and look awful and hand her back her child. (You’re not sick btw, just sick of her taking such liberties).

Then take yourself to bed and catch up on your sleep undisturbed!

Follow up with a text message something like what others have already suggested.

Thats what I would do.

Love this so much

Going to re read it a few times before I text her xxxxx

@thisisasurvivor

Have you actually texted this CF that this will not happen again?

This whole situation has occurred as you have not clearly and concisely communicated with her.

Texting 'I am sitting on the tarmac ' is not saying
'No. That doesn't work for me. I am incredibly busy tomorrow working. I cannot provide childcare for you'

How come you’re unable to use your words op and communicate with her.

sorry won’t be able to do the child care tomorrow
can you transfer the money for the club please.

just use your words and communicate,

A lot of people don't feel confident expressing their boundaries. For some people it's a skill that they have to learn or explicitly be taught later in life. It comes very naturally to some people and not to others. I've briefly explained in a previous post that this was incredibly difficult for me, and I've had to learn that it's OK for me to be direct about when I don't want to do what someone else wants me to. It's connected to upbringing, personality type and self esteem. Some people are generally very nice and expect other people to be very nice too, and it's very confusing when they have to stand up to those who exploit their accommodating nature. Ultimately, people like the OP have to take charge of their own position in the world, as people with every bit as much right to do as they please, as other people and that often takes a little brain retraining.

Some things seem very obvious but feel very difficult to some people.

@Darkdiamond it does not come easily to me

Haha that's for sure

I wish I had set boundaries from day one

Why did you pay for her holiday camps? There is a little bit here about boundaries and how you’ve let yourself be used but she is most definitely a cheeky fucker.

There is absolutely no way you should be working while having someone else’s child with you. It’s bad enough when it’s your own. I have done it once for a friend in a proper emergency and it was hard having 4 kids in the house and I got very little done.

Good luck dealing with her. You are not being ‘mean’ by saying no, you are looking after your own health.
your family need you and this user will run you into the ground, then move onto her next target.

Get the money for the summer club back. Do it. You will feel amazing.
Text her and say ‘you can revolut m the money for the summer club last year, I’m looking at my accounts here and just trying to tick off all the money owed to me’

noyhing else. Shut up.

When she picks up the child say ‘I’m working next week, I need you to mind my kids on Tuesday and Wednesday’

Say nothing else. Shut up.
Take a huge gulp of water and keep it in your mouth if you have to, just speak no words.

Let her speak.
Watch what she does, and then come up with a plan to never ever minds her kids again using this information.

Today is all about coming up with a plan . Not exploding, not saying much, just researching. Good luck.

@Darkdiamond
I agree with all of that, however, OP has recognised she is a push over and needs to change. She actually needs to start doing and communicating differently.

I used to be a bit of a walk over in my personal life but had to be extremely assertive in my job. I just started saying phrases in my personal life that I used frequently at work
'No. That is unacceptable.'
'No. That doesn't work for me.'

It was really awkward initially, however, it had a massively beneficial impact on my life. People did not take the mick anymore.

You need to say you can’t work with multiple kids around and sorry but she will need to pay for childcare next holiday. Don’t put up with it, if she turns up anyway don’t answer or tell her you told her you can’t do it. You need to be very firm with people like them

My answer would be No, I am not able to take care of YOUR child. I am a working single parent and have my own children to care for. I like your child but he is not my responsibility so sort your own childcare out. Whilst your at at you owe me X amount for last year's holiday club I had to pay for YOUR child.

I hope you get this sorted OP.

I remember watching a film whee a serial killer told the protagonist people like him were so successful because society has trained people to ignore their own self preservation and senses that something is wrong because its not polite to say no.

May be a work of fiction and she may not be a serial killer but she is no friend either.

She is aware of the situation you are in, she knows it's a huge imposition. Yet she expects you to suffer the psychological and monetary pain she inflicts on you so she can get what she wants.

She's not a friend she's a predator.

@Darkdiamond that is a great post.

Another great phrase is ‘I feel I’m not being listened to’
she can’t argue with that.

If you say ‘you are not listening to me’ she will say ‘yes I am!’ But if you word it like ’I feel I am not being listened to’ that is your feeling. The end.

before you stop doing it (and absolutely do) ask her if she can have your child next week. See what she says, if she says no then that’s your opportunity to tell her you won’t be looking after her child either. Also ask her for the money owed, tell her you need it for something. Get your money before you end things for good. She’s a cheeky mare and will never change, you don’t need friends like this