To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

I have friends like this so expect them to turn half an hour later than arranged but will just get some extra time and fresh air in a park. Was meeting 2 friends for lunch and I was the only one with baby, so arrived early to get high chair etc, they were without the responsibility of children. One was was on an elongated booking for a holiday, other was taking her Mum out shopping, both turned up half hour plus late. Yes I was a bit peeved but did understand. X

Thanks, I think it’s more that she’s not in a ‘stable enough’ (her words) position in life currently to consider having a baby herself. I do try to be sensitive to this but I think there is a level of avoidance. It’s quite odd behaviour from her so I’m going to sleep on it before messaging her again.

I never want to hear the term ‘time window’ again 😂

I have ADHD and your friend is being a prick. You absolutely should not be questioning having boundaries. Especially when someone walks all over them. You do not need to keep your baby in a cold park for someone who doesn’t claims to not understand the time.

Personally I accept friends being up to 20 minutes late, anything past that is not okay.

I appreciate your concern, but there’s no wrath here. This thread has been marvellous entertainment after a disappointing morning!

Absolutely nowhere has the OP put anyone down or been aggressive as you’re insinuating. I’m not sure why you’re trying to rewrite history here and project it onto the OP as her unreasonable behaviour? Telling people that they are BU for not meeting in a cafe instead of a park, not feeling comfortable to feed in a public place particularly if breastfeeding and that she should be fine waiting with her baby in the cold and possibly very wet weather if in many parts of the UK today for an unknown and unplanned amount of time because Scandinavians do it are unhelpful digressions that don’t offer any help at all for further meet ups. Perhaps the OP scheduled this specific time because it coincided with a small window of time that wasn’t dreadful weather today. Maybe, the OP or her friend didn’t want to meet in a cafe or elsewhere for various reasons. Maybe, the OP didn’t take feeding supplies because if the friend had stuck to this time frame she could have seen the friend and made it home in time for babies feeding schedule which often can be a nightmare whilst very young. Maybe the OP didnt fancy sitting there herself getting cold and wet waiting for someone who had pre-agreed a time. It’s not a crime to expect to not be left waiting for 45 minutes with radio silence to then have the blame deflected onto her shamelessly instead of an appropriate apology. There is a word for that, it’s called gaslighting and ADHD or no ADHD that is a disgraceful way to treat a friend. Why should the OP step away from Mumsnet when she has conducted herself perfectly well within the Mumsnet talk guidelines just because you insist for no logical reason?

Has it occurred to you that perhaps you've misinterpreted the tone?

You are very much misinterpreting me, "cool and edgy", I've never been or tried to be "cool and edgy" in my entire life. I'm an introvert who struggles with social anxiety, due to my Aspergers. I am rather blunt in how I talk, again, due to my Aspergers, I'm not a "fluffy" talker, I cannot change who I am just to make you happy, nor will I. Those who know me in real life love me for who I am and know what a loving and loyal person I am. You can say what you like about me, but at the end of the day, you don't know me, you are just interpreting my words in whatever way you like, just as we all do on here, which is why there is always a mix of opinions on forums.

I was impressed by the evening uptick in posts too...:)

You definitely weren't unreasonable for not waiting for 45 minutes.

Time blindness is a real thing in some people with ADHD and it won't have made a difference that you now have a baby.

You don't have to put up with it though. Everyone's needs in a friendship are different and it seems like you two maybe incompatible. Plus she lacks the grace to apologise and acknowledge the inconvenience it caused you.

My ADHD friend would always be late, or cancel last minute, or message to ask about kids' school stuff etc. & act clueless. BUT if it was something she really wanted to do, I knew to be 45 minutes early. I'd been caught multiple times with a coffee/lunch date & she'd message & say she was already there. By the time I'd arrive (always on time/early) she'd bought & finished & say oh, you can order if you like then catch up, I'll be in X shop...

However, she's also never missed a flight - even with multiple connections (she has the timing & route worked out perfectly beforehand), or been late for school drop off, reservation or a movie, etc. so was definitely capable if motivated.

i realised she'd do it while I allowed it. Everyone else did & it even got her sympathy, childcare & financial help from family, too. I didn't make a big deal, just always had a back up plan & was clear I wouldn't wait because we had other places to be.

Just remembering a friend I had years ago (known since Uni). Who was always, always late for everything.

I can remember one time I was at home watching Brookside (remember Brookie?!) and I had to leave during the ad break to walk to the pub to meet her. I waited half an hour for her in the pub, and when she arrived she said "sorry I was late, I was watching Brookside" (gah!!)

Anyway, me and another friend used to get totally fed up with this kind of thing - not just the turning up whenever she felt like it but the complete lack of empathy about having left the other person waiting.

So, one time we were both due to meet her in the pub - we deliberately made ourselves turn up 30 minutes late.

When got there so tore ABSOLUTE STRIPS off us for being late, how she had been waiting there ages (was the same pub as the Brookside pub, a pub I in fact worked in). So anyway, when we went to the bar I asked my mate behind the bar how long angry friend had been at the pub.

Their answer: "oh, she only just walked int the door before you did."

You don't have to enable crappy behaviour, OP, so well done for setting a boundary.

I don't agree with you gaslighting people with real time blindness with your experience of your friend. If OP's friend does have time blindness, your experience described is irrelevant.

But her friend doesn’t have apology blindness does she?

She could have said sorry isn’t of giving shitty excuses and being passive aggressive. Time blindness doesn’t excuse being unpleasant.

Perhaps then you should take more care to come across better and less inflammatory and people won’t misinterpret what you’re saying if you’re going to be posting for people to read it? You’re right, I don’t know you and I don’t care to change who you are as a person I’m just minded to ask you to take care how you talk to people because as easy as it is to just dismiss it as an online forum these are peoples real life emotions we’re dealing with here and for many MN and such like are their only real means of support. It’s very easy for everyone to drive the boot in for the hell of it but it can seriously affect people’s lives. You came across deeply unpleasant to the OP so I called you out for it and gave you some back, maybe reflect on how that made you feel and going forward think about it the next time you fire off your opinion. You could have disagreed or debated in a much more pleasant fashion is the point I was trying to make. There is a big difference between being direct and being nasty.

No I agree. She should have apologised properly.

Are you trying to win most ironic post?

You've ignored all my replies to you giving you actual lived experience and then tell others their experience is irrelevant??? 😂

I enjoyed that 😂

LordFlashearttt · Today 21:37

But her friend doesn’t have apology blindness does she?

You win the thread 👌

I've already given you a detailed quote of someone with time blindness and also have had to make accommodations myself in the workplace for an employee with time blindness. A little bit of understanding goes a long way, which is what is lacking in the discussion.

Same. Thank God for phone alarms.

this friend, her behaviour and response suggests she is using adhd as an excuse not to try harder or take accountability.

I have adhd. Sometimes I’m late or mix up the location or make a mistake, but I’m really apologetic and always really try not to and do everything I can to make sure the other person isn’t put out. But seems like she didn’t even really apologise?

Are you joking? I've replied to that too and you ignored it

Myself and others have given you multiple accounts of OUR time blindness. Not someone from work. Not a random on another thread you're quoting. Us. People who actually have it

A bit of comprehension is also fundamentally lacking on this thread

Here you go @ChedderGorgeous

"Perhaps then you should take more care to come across better"

I seriously just disclosed to you that I have Aspergers and you respond with this? You can fuck off.

I’m reading some saying perhaps the friend isn’t at the stage of adhd of understand how it affects their time keeping.

People who have been late their entire life are aware they turn up late. Some even make a joke about it. You cannot get to your 30s being persistently late and not recognise you’re always late. You may not understand why you’re always late but youre aware of it. Getting a diagnosis of ADHD doesn’t change that behaviour or understanding of fact, only understanding of reason.

Regardless of a diagnosis if you are known as the one who is always late and take no steps to rectify that then you are the problem not those upset or angry at having to wait for you. Whatever the reason for your lateness there are systems that can be adopted if you can be arsed to.

My partner can’t be arsed to adopt systems post diagnosis and expects me to do all his thinking too. I have had systems in place long before I was given my adhd diagnosis because I knew it was the key to survival in the world we live in. It’s not easy but it’s the only way to get by.

To suggest people can’t recognise their behaviours are inappropriate or not working for them and others until they’re fully diagnosed and in a place to recognise the effect the condition they have lived with since day one affects them, is obtuse. They may not want to make changes and that’s ok but be honest with people. There’s a whole wealth of information out there on scheduling, planning and organising. If you can’t be arsed doing that don’t blame others for being upset with you for not meeting commitments on time.

I have adhd and time blindness and I always set 3 alarms - one to start getting ready, one to be at the door ready to go, and one to leave. It takes a huge amount of mental energy but I’ve gotten a lot better at it and I’m basically never late anymore.