To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

Haven’t been able to get a dental appointment for years so not relevant
Have a job that allows flexibility with start / end times
Get flexible train tickets, or set multiple alarms and plan to leave at least an hour before I technically need to

HTH

Even better - looking at previous experience of people with time blindness from a much longer debate. OP didn't need to be kinder , she needed to be more accommodating I think. The lack of apology is another thing but doesn't effect the original situation.

@eggplant16 I’ve missed lots of appointments. Lots and lots.

It’s so so so shit. I have to work insanely hard at now I have DC for their sake, but every day is stressful with regards to time. It’s really fucking hard and I hate it.

The lack of apology or updates or anything IS THE ORIGINAL SITUATION ffs

It's hilarious in the worst way you think a past example from one person is 'even better' than someone virtually right in front of you, me and others, who experience time blindness and are telling you how not to be a massive twat with it.

Careful not to devalue my symptoms of my disability.... It wouldn't be very kind OR accommodating 😂 tongue firmly in cheek but fgs

You’re surely taking the piss.
”Babies are fine in the cold” is not a reasonable response to a woman who was made to wait 45 minutes because of her friend’s “time blindness” 😂

Why is everyone saying the OP should accommodate her friends health needs (ADHD) yet there's no mention that the friend should be accommodating the fact OP has a fragile, newborn baby; postpartum pain and a disability - all of which make waiting around exceedingly difficult.

Consideration for health issues and disabilities go both ways.

Don't hold back 😂😂😂

I wasn't trying to get the OP to agree with me, not sure what made you think I was. I really have no issue with having a different opinion to the majority, doesn't bother me in the slightest. Most things I do in life are different to the masses.

Also this isn't true. Babies must be kept at a temperature of 16 degrees or above. In the UK the temperature was well below that today. My toddler was wrapped up in a hat, gloves, thick fur lined coat today and was still shivering during an hour walk round the park.

Newborn babies struggle to regulate their temperature and must not be kept in rooms/outdoors under 16 degrees. @ReadingSoManyThreads

I didn’t ‘need’ to be anything. Waiting 15 minutes with a young baby without being given a reason for the lateness is accommodating IMO.

The lack of apology is my point. I never would have made this thread if I had received acknowledgment and a decent apology as opposed to bizarre referencing to a mystical ‘time window’ as a means of deflecting all responsibility.

So the post that asked how people with ADHD cope with appointments...with some difficulty😅. I think that's why I keep banging on that both the OP and her pal have valid positions, in terms of how they are wired.... absolutely not saying the friend shouldn't have apologised, but if she isn't at that stage of awareness that a lot of posters are on this thread of the challenges of their ADHD, then I'm thinking sympathy on both sides is good. Those of us that actively aware of how ADHD impacts on those around us are maybe in a different place...sympathy maybe needs to be extended to someone who is not there yet. But I also have sympathy for OP. So there we go....understand each other maybe....😊

I have ADHD and I think your friend behaved like a prick.

I am never, ever, ever late. To anything. Because I have to force myself to be hyperaware of the time, and to plan to be early for things.

She's treated you like absolute crap and she's not even sorry.

Better still, just don't bother to contact her. She knew exactly what she was doing and it shows a total lack of respect and thought. She owes you an apology, you don't owe her any explanation.

Did she honestly expect you to wait around with a baby? Not exactly tropical weather, either. I'd just ignore her - don't both trying to get an explanation or justify what you did, it's not worth the time and effort.

As someone with ADHD for whom time has always been an issue, I would never behave the way OPs friend did. If I fucked up that badly on time I’d be calling, updating, suggesting somewhere warm the OP could go and apologising like mad. If anything, I’d over apologise and become annoying.

The OPs friend was a dick in her behaviour.

Well your question is AIBU, and if you can read between the lines, I think you can see that I think YABU because you didn't accommodate a friend's disability enough. She was BU for not apologising.

OP, I have a friend exactly like this, although they don’t have ADHD. The lateness annoyed me to no end. I actually do have ADHD but have developed appropriate strategies to ensure I’m on time to things. Between 4 kids, appointments, and work, running late isn't an option. I really value my friendship with this person, so I’ve had to implement strategies to manage her lateness. Basically, we meet exclusively at either her house (where I can control the timing), or at my house, where it doesn’t matter if she is running late as I can continue with whatever I want until she gets there. On the rare occasion we meet out somewhere, I plan to arrive about 20-30 minutes after the agreed time. I'm almost always there first still, but it's not quite as bad! If you want to meet out and about, you may need to reverse things so she calls you when leaving/nearby.

Now I know you're just trying to wind her up

How did this 'friend' accommodate the OPs mobility disability then???

I think you may have misinterpreted the advice (just based on what I've read from the NHS), the minimum temperature of 16 degrees relates to room temperature, this does not mean that babies cannot be taken out of the house in winter/spring/autumn. Babies absolutely can go outside at temperatures lower than 16 degrees, they just need to be appropriately dressed.

If you're able to share your source relating to not going outside under 16 degrees, I'd like to see it please. I can only find information relating to room temperature. It also makes no sense, as babies in colder climates (even within the UK), are fine outside well wrapped up. Both of my newborns were winter borns, both snowy weather conditions, and never did any midwife, health visitor or paediatrician mention anything about not taking baby outside. In fact, I had to take them to many hospital appointments in freezing conditions, so they were even encouraging baby being taken out! It actually sounds crazy to me considering babies in Scandinavia nap outside in the winter.

Overheating is much more of a concern.

What would the OP "taking into account her friend's disability" look like, in your world?

Walking round the park with the baby for an hour? Two hours? Missing the baby's feed? Not changing the baby's nappy in case she missed the friend turning up?

Since you're so focussed on seeing this through the lens of adjusting for disability then you need to consider what a REASONABLE ADJUSTMENT looks like.

OP waited for FORTY FIVE minutes in the cold with a baby, that's more than enough of a reasonable adjustment. Friend's disability WAS accommodated.

The end.

No fear, I sure won’t because let’s be fair you didn’t either. You have no idea, really? Why don’t you re-read the content of what you’ve written and the tone in which you’ve written it that should give you a good start. Well, I’m really pleased for you. I’m sure you must think you’re so cool and edgy for being so different when in reality you just look combative and hard work. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting your best self across with courtesy regardless of whether it’s anonymous or not.

Time window...yanbu.

Yanbu. It is rude to be 45 minutes late. She is in the wrong and needs to apologise.

As an aside, is there any chance that she is struggling with her own fertility? If she is a good friend and has avoided meeting up with you since your baby arrived, I would wonder if she just can't deal with it.

Perhaps not and she is just self absorbed!

And that's good:). As you are aware of how ADHD impacts on others . I have ADHD too, and I'm aware. But we are all on different journeys, and there is no one typical presentation of ADHD...and we are not at the same stage in recognising how our ADHD impacts. Not criticising you. Just suggesting others experience at any point in time, and in the context of their own ND experience, is different. In the same way that we see so many different opinions about things that have nothing to do with ADHD on mumsnet. So totally accept you would deal with this differently. That's not to say the OPs friend is 'wrong'. TIm just thinking they might be in a different place, in terms of understanding, their insight...That's all :)

Op you said you felt your friend was being passive aggressive with her excuse, and so I can understand the hurt you feel, and the anger. But you seem to be getting disproportionately angry with other posters giving opinions - if you disagree with them that is fine but I am not sure they deserve your wrath or put downs, and I don't think your wrath will be doing you much good either. However, I can see why you'd be hurt by your friend. fwiw, my advice would be step away from MN, let what happened go and enjoy your baby!

The comments you think of as digressions might be helpful in relation to planning low stress met ups in future.

Did OPs friend accommodate for OPs disability? Along with her young baby and the fact she’s 4 months postpartum?

Why does the OPs friend’s issues trump all the things OP is dealing with?