To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

Ok, that's your choice, but if the cold was such a concern, then why even choose a park meet up in the first place? Why not meet in a cafe, then you could have been enjoying a hot drink whilst waiting and feeding baby out of the cold?

Besides babies are fine in the cold, as long as they're wrapped up warm, Scandinavians and other cold countries leave their babies outside in the pram to nap, it's really good for them.

Yep. This 100% This was very well written and far better articulated than my own post.

Haha thank you. It's incredibly frustrating isn't it!

You'd have a point if the friend was only 5 minutes away but she said she was going to be at least 30 minutes, which meant she probably would have been at least 45 minutes. Sit in a park for an hour in March with a small baby? No thanks! Why should the OP reward her friend for her crap behaviour? People like this get away with it because there are no consequences for them. Because it's the other person being inconvenienced, not them. But if the other person says, "fuck this shit" and goes home, their behaviour does have consequences and they might have a little more respect in future.

You have spectacularly missed the point. RTFT.

I think both sides are valid here. Totally understand OPs position. Ive posted above about having timeblindness. I'm just wondering how much awareness friend has about this, maybe she really really isn't at that stage of recognising the nature of ADHD, and how it can play out in the ' normal' (read Neurotypical) world. And yes I'm aware that ADHD is very topical just now, thats maybe a good thing tho, in terms of moving towards a place where we understand that we might all just be wired differently...

It absolutely is. I think posts like the one who you responded to really undermine the hard work and effort a lot of people with ADHD have to put into theirselves to not be a stereotype like the OPs friend. It’s incredibly frustrating when people use the ADHD ‘card’ to be sloppy and careless with their behaviour towards people when in reality it’s just a basic lack of common decency and respect for people’s time.

Definitely. I set 10 alarms to make sure I get up. In my 30s. Does it feel great having to? No. Does it feel better than treating people like crap and making myself look like a knob and devaluing my word when I make a commitment? Big yes 😂

But there ARE things people can do to try and help. And if not, apologise after.
I am autistic. When younger I had many undesirable behaviours that cost me lots of friends. Did I mean to do them? No. But unless I wanted to never have any friends again I needed to learn to control and modify certain behaviours.
I don't blame my old friends for choosing not to put up with me back then.
I think the whole be kind, make allowances for people is going too far. People are allowed to set boundaries about what they will put up with. It's not always "ablist" to choose not to be friends with someone if their disability is causing issues.

I hear you! I think for the people who do understand they appreciate the effort and that’s what makes the struggle worth it in the end. ☺️

I already had read all of YOUR posts. I think you're being precious. You asked an AIBU, I gave my opinion, you didn't like it, so what? Don't ask for opinions if you can't take those that don't agree with you.

Does that include 3 in different parts of the room?

I’m actually worse with regular commitments because I think I know how long it will take me to do something, so I just have time to do something else…

People do need to make allowances sometimes. But the person with ADHD also needs to do what they can. I’ve found people are more willing to accommodate me when they see that I am actually trying!

She’s very rude; I would have done the same in your place.

RTFT!!! Surely the friend should be taking into account the OP's current mobility issues too then! How many hours do you expect the OP should have kept doing laps of the park waiting then??? 🙄

Ha, I know what you mean about regular things. I'm worse if I have something that's nor first thing in the morning, I'll wait in paralysis limbo until I know to leave to be on time!

Here's a quote from someone with time blindness on a previous thread. I could absolutely see why someone might end up 45 mins late to meet a friend based on this. I think while you were justified in leaving, you could have been kinder, knowing the circumstances.

"Since having kids I’ve really gone backwards with it, I think so much of my brain is taken up with them I don’t have enough mental capacity to deal with the time blindness. I struggle to estimate time - for my job I see people in half hour slots and always drastically over or underestimate the session time during the session and either run out of time or have to think of other things to do on the fly"

People are allowed to set boundaries. That's it, really. And not wanting to sit about for 45 minutes in freezing weather with a newborn is a very reasonable boundary to have.

Would you be OK with a friend leaving you waiting for 45 minutes with no apology at all? No other context, just that

Your comments are digressions which add nothing to the point of the thread. I do not need a lecture on the benefits of babies being outdoors. I was fine with going for a short walk, not for waiting 45 minutes first.

Are you paying any attention to the people right here with time blindness giving you their experience? Or just telling the op to be kind.... When the friend was doing nothing 'kind' to her, like apologise?

Did you mean to be so rude? You sound like a brat throwing their toys out of their pram because the OP won’t agree with you. 🙄 The irony of what you’ve written is remarkable. Incase you haven’t noticed, your point that you’re so indignantly hell bent on trying to prove is hugely in the minority. Hardly precious when over 90% disagree with you. Basic manners and common sense lacking here and it’s not just the OPs friend. You come across embarrassingly immature and quite frankly rather unpleasant so I wouldn’t be inclined to care about your opinion either.

Exactly, I actually have some friends both with kids and without kids who are so poor at time keeping and I’ve made it increasingly clear that I won’t accept it.

My friends having kids or not wouldn’t affect whether I’m on time or not either. Everyone’s time is important.

How do people with ADHD manage to attend Dental Appointments or go to work or catch a train?

Where was the kindness towards me and my baby, bearing in mind I am struggling postpartum and have a disability myself? Its not a competition, its basic communication and respect for a friends time.

I have severe ADHD and bad timing is an issue for me. I’ve been an hour early before.

But even though every day I’m flapping about lateness, going to the wrong place (happens), bad directions (happens a lot) I still don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Especially with a 4 month old.

She didn’t even bother to update you, you had to chase her which is unfair.