To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

"We agreed we'd meet at 11am, not 11am -ish. You were nearly an hour late. I don't hold this against you, I know that this can happen but equally, that doesn't mean that I can always wait. I can accept an apology for the lateness with no hard feelings, but it's harder to accept a response that seems to be blaming me, when I am the one who kept to the arrangements we made"

I like this, calm but clear.

AuDHD here and I cannot bear being late. I have alarms set for everything. I have to timetable my day when I have events and prepare an hour early to leave for something 10 mins away so that things like this don’t happen. This allows for my multiple returns to the house for the things I’ve forgotten

I fully understand the issues of time blindness but I don’t believe it’s an excuse now we have smartphones & watches to remind us of appointments and events. Your friend was aware and you had communicated with her that morning so she was also reminded.

Problems do arise when there are too many things in a day but a morning walk in the park is early enough not to get too distracted by the big stuff.

I have a partner recently diagnosed with adhd who has never been late a day in his life until they put him on the medication and while it’s only 10 mins it’s up from 5 a few months back. He’s at the stage of diagnosis where everything is because of his ADHD. I’ve been there and done that but then I had to come back to reality to realise I still live in a world that doesn’t revolve around me and my particular needs.

Yanbu, adhd again being bandied about. Pretty sure she manages to be at work on time? No wonder people have low tolerance for these issues, too many take the piss.

@Sashamalia do/did you have a 4 month old baby and movement pain while "wandering around the shops" while waiting for your friend?
No?
Then your examples are meaningless.

The OP has explained her circumstances. You seem to be insisting that because you're ok with friends being up to an hour late, the OP should too.
Nope!!

No - we had already agreed to meet in the morning. We just agreed the specific time today.

I think that with a 4 month old it is fine to do what is best for you and your baby!

But under normal circs, it would depend on other factors whether I'd be prepared to wait, or to change arrangements to meet later, etc. One factor was why they were late - ie not bothered vs getting stressed vs delayed by other things. And another factor would be how stressed out I was about other things and if I had had to miss other things to get there on time.

On the subject of lateness, I know a family and group of friends/in laws who are all always late for family meet ups. I remember one get together - the text had said meet at a certain park at 1-1.30. Every family member, including the person who arranged it, was about 2 hours late. They all rushed up apologising for being so late and then realising everyone else was about 2 hours late too and then bursting out laughing. It makes me smile even now, it was such a funny coincidence. I think they are mostly on time for other things. Just not for family things.

I wonder if there is a late gene...

This. It has nothing to do with having or not having kids.

I have ADHD and time blindness that often goes with it, but personally I'm always too early for meet ups as I cant always judge how long things take....I wonder how much input your friend has had on recognising the impacts ADHD can have on what NT folks see as something obvious like the ability to time manage, and I'm absolutely recognising that time blindness has big impacts on folks that dont have it. I dont use meds ( but totally understand others need to ), but after pals pointed out my time blindness, I work at trying to recognise impacts on other people around me. That's not been easy mind, just wondering if your friend has some help around things that might be difficult for her to recognise, and regulate. I'm lucky in that I can afford input from MH professional. Might not be possible for others....

My previous boyfriend to DH was always late- after the first few weeks of trying to impress me. He would ring me to arrange a time and then turn up to my place an hour or even longer late. He always had an excuse but it really annoyed me, particularly if we were going somewhere else. I got sick of it because it felt like something else was more important than me. It was part of the reason I dumped him, along with him being a liar- about anything and everything.
I had 6 months to myself where I had decided not to date anyone and just focus on me and being happy alone. I'd been away on holiday, lost weight, was doing exercise regularly, had sorted my house out, bought new clothes. I felt really happy . Then I met DH. I wanted to take things very slowly but it was like the proverbial thunderbolt and I was trying not just to fall into it.
After a month of his best behaviour he asked me to go out one night and I said no because he was playing 5 aside earlier and I knew he would want to go for a drink. He insisted he didn't and wanted to see me. I told him he'd better not be late. I just knew what was going to happen and I was really pissed off when it did. I felt like it was all just going to happen again.

He turned up an hour late, full of cheer and apologies. I said he wasn't coming in because I was not coming second to his football mates so he could just get lost and shut the door. I was really upset but he was beside himself. He rang me about a dozen times and sent texts.
I responded once to say something like 'Look, I knew this would happen. I told you, you insisted you wanted to see me then chose a few drinks with your mates and just thought I 'd put up with it. Well I'm not. Go away and don't ring me again or send anymore messages. I'm not interested. I deserve much better than this crap.'
The next afternoon he arrived at the door with some flowers and an abject apology. I was graceful in my acceptance of them (😂) but said I was really disappointed in him. He said 'No don't say that. That's the worst thing to say' and we smiled but I said I was. He asked if I would give him another chance and I said not at the minute but I'd think about it and I appreciated the flowers.
After I don't know how many attempts to invite me out again, I finally said yes a week or so later.
We still laugh about it, but it's true, every time someone lets you down, treats you shabbily, doesn't put you first when they've made a promise, whether they're a friend, boyfriend DH, parent, sibling, you feel disappointed in them. It erodes your trust in them and your belief that you actually matter to them.
He's never done it again. I'm not saying he's never been a bit late but he always rings to tell me if it's more than 20 minutes.

I am never late - I'm always early to everything which can be just as irritating.

A few minutes is one thing, even at that first 15 minute update but I'd have been pissed off too if I'd been sat around for quarter of an hour already with a small baby and a friend said they'd be another half hour plus parking and the walk.
That's not cool of them and not respectful.

I'm guessing they don't have children and don't realise how precious your time is and how demanding babies can be...?!

I think you were being rather harsh not taking into account her disability. Surely the aim was to walk around the park - couldn't you have done this until she arrived ?

@Ivorymoon I don't think that your friend thinks being late is a problem in the same way that you think it is a problem.

I think she probably views let's meet at 2pm as a loose suggestion. And probably never arrives earlier than anyone she is supposed to meet up with so doesn't personally experience how annoying it is to wait for someone. Or perhaps if she does have to wait she doesn't mind that much. We are not all the same.

I have a family member who pulls this shit......yes, she has ADHD (( as do I which she isn't aware of )) and blames that for absolutely everything. She was diagnosed as an adult and seems to fit her behaviour around the diagnosis, she wasn't this bad before in fact I don't recall it even being an issue.

These days I arrange to meet only if I'm out anyway, if she doesn't turn up she gets 5 minutes then I leave and switch my phone off.......she's obviously had a miracle performed somewhere along the line because after having her own time wasted a few times there's been a definite improvement........with me anyway. She continues to take the absolute poss everyone else.

I voted YABU, I mean, I'd be pissed off at the lateness too, but it was shitty to cancel it altogether after she'd already left, especially as you know she's really stressed at the minute. I don't see why you couldn't have fed baby in the park? I fed anywhere I was when my children were babies, otherwise, we'd have never got chance to leave the house.

I think there is more to this too, even perhaps subconsciously. As I said, she has form for being late but definitely not 45 minutes - so the fact this happened today, the first time she was meant to meet my baby, feels significant. She was very positive about my pregnancy and even planned my baby shower so I was very surprised she wasn’t keen to meet sooner and sad this happened today.

She was very unsupportive about her best friends pregnancy though and I get the impression she has difficult feelings about perhaps wanting children herself but worrying about age and not being in a stable relationship. I think a lot is being suppressed and she is burnt out from the PhD which has taken her 6 years, instead of 3. That is all very understandable and I made it explicit that I was happy to meet with it without baby.

I did say to her last night and this morning that I’m at the mercy of baby’s feeds and sleeping schedules atm e.g. I can meet her after the first morning feed. Perhaps I need to state a clear ‘end point’ as well then should we arrange to meet again.

Her having ADHD doesn’t excuse expecting you to wait 45 mins in the park with your little baby. She is rude as fuck and her entitlement is staggering. Speaking from experience ADHD can make timekeeping more difficult which is why she should be more mindful of her difficulties and try and work away around them so they affect others and herself less. ADHD is not a get out of jail free card to be a selfish prick and expect the world to revolve around you. She could have set alarms, or messaged you if she knew she was struggling to be on track. If she wanted to have been there, she would have been. The fact she knows you’ve waited in the cold with your baby and for her not to turn up and she doesn’t even have the decency to offer an apology just deflect her poor behaviour onto you would be enough for me to seriously considering ending the friendship or distancing. YANBU.

No. Read the OP. I have post partum joint pain and agreed to meet for a brief walk, not a 45 minute walk and another walk on top once my friend finally arrived. Surely she should take into account the needs of my new baby and my health. I was prepared to wait 15 minutes which is more than reasonable IMO.

If I had to wait an hour for a friend for no good reason I'd feel so pissed off that I wouldn't enjoy the meet up anyway.

It sounds like she had time blindness though ? If so there was little she could do.

We are all stressed out. I was not going to add to my stress and discomfort by waiting another half an hour in the cold for no good reason. Likewise, I’m not going to feed my baby outside in the cold unnecessarily. Boundaries!

She did and has always taken into account her disability. The point of going was to meet the friend. Not lap the park for hours in pain with a little baby in the cold for no reason. Rtft

But she will have to have some kind of strategy to cope with time blindness. Strategies don’t always work (well, mine don’t anyway), but they tend to avoid the absolute worst and you can’t just expect people to be fine with you always being that late!

Plus there’s absolutely no excuse for the lack of apology.

Did you read any of the posts from people with adhd, myself included, who do things to avoid taking the piss out if people and not using it as an excuse for having no manners. Adhd doesn't render you incapable of courtesy for someone you're supposed to care about

It's really horrible reading posts saying people with adhd can't help being rude and that's OK. Not good for our reputation, even as a collective of individuals. It has the opposite effect of the, I assume good, intention of people saying it

On a previous thread, where I explained I worked with someone with time blindness , people with time blindness said they regularly missed hugely important events like collecting passports/ work events because of it. I agree with you about lack of apology. Unless OP was a bit more vague about meeting than she says.