To think being 45 mins late takes the piss

[Ivorymoon]

Arranged to meet a friend in the park today to meet my 4 month old baby. Agreed the day in advance and that we would meet in the morning, confirmed the time this morning and I messaged her again as I was leaving. As I got to the park I received a message from her saying she was just leaving. 15 minutes pass and she still wasn’t there, I message again asking her ETA and she says she will be another half hour - and she would still need to find a parking spot and walk to the park. At which point I decided to cancel - I was sick of waiting around, baby would need feeding soon, I also have horrible post partum joint pain which makes standing / walking for long periods very difficult.

So as not to drip feed - friend is lovely, has ADHD and is often late, I thought she might be more mindful as I now have a baby. I don’t mind waiting 10 mins or so but over half an hour is ridiculous without good reason IMO. I’ve been disappointed my friend hasn’t arranged to see me/ meet baby sooner as we both live in the same city, but she’s been very stressed and preoccupied with her PhD write up. Perhaps my disappointment is colouring my view on this.

Friend said she didn’t realise there was a ‘specific time window’ in regards to our meeting after I cancelled and explained why. I’m baffled by this as we did set a time.

AIBU to think being 45 mins late is rude and that it was fair enough of me to cancel?

I’ve had this and had a baby with me. I now no longer see that friend as she had form for it.
it was always on her time and no thought for me.

How do they maintain employment? Or manage many other things that adult life requires? Making people wait with no apology given is not excusable.

She wasn’t a true friend, I had one like that and it took me a very long time to accept it. I had that smirk when she’d done something quite nasty.

If you haven't already done it - sending something like this shows that you don't have a 'time window' you have an agreed time to meet.

Been there. Totally rattled me that I'd been standing on the street corner, in the rain, with a young baby in a pram, waiting for a friend to appear when she text that she'd have to cancel. My (harsh) opinion: don't waste your time on this person, it will happen again.

The time window thing…I have ADHD and I work in time windows, but having said that my time window for 11am meeting with friend would be from 10.45 - 11.05 (because despite my ADHD being late is the epitome of rudeness so my aim is always to be early).

ADHD is not an excuse. I am rarely late to anything…more often than not I am ridiculously early to counteract the worry of being late due to procrastination

Her ADHD is the main issue. Never assume someone with ADHD will suddenly think differently because you have a baby. If they could think differently they would all the time.

@Ivorymoon

I’m wondering if she is not only busy, but perhaps the dynamic of your relationship has changed now that you are a Mum. How did she respond generally to your pregnant? I think it’s telling that she didn’t make an effort to meet, and that you needed to initiate this meeting, I think there maybe various feelings that should could be suppressing or hiding.
No - with a young baby, they need a routine and you are not back to physical full strength yet. She maybe doesn’t have an awareness of this - and felt a past ‘time window’ was fine. Maybe when making arrangements say : I can meet at 11 o’clock, but need to take baby back home for 12 to feed. Make your ‘time window’ clear.

She's just not that to you, OP. Sorry.

Adult SD used to make us wait 1hr+ every time we had plans to meet up. Countless ruined Sunday lunches. One of the more memorable times she was a total no show on her dad's birthday when we had a table booked at a local restaurant for lunch. Turned out she was in the hairdressers and just couldn't be arsed to come over to see her dad on his birthday. Or even call to let us know she wasn't coming to lunch. That was the day I realised she just didn't give a shit about her dad or me.

My 3 DC all have ADHD. My 2 DS are often late my DD is always early. For my birthday recently I told then lunch was booked for 12 at a pub about 40 minutes from each of our houses. This was my birthday lunch. In reality the table was booked for 12 30 as I knew they would be late. My DD was there at 12 with her BF. My eldest DS and his GF arrived at 12 30. My middle DS and his wife arrived at 12 45!

I don't know anyone in RL who thinks that 3pm means 'anywhere between 3pm and 4pm', when one of the two people meeting has a small baby @Sashamalia. It's a completely different scenario if there's a group of friends meeting in a coffee shop or restaurant.

Please FO with your generalisations. There is no correlation between not having children and being an inconsiderate arsehole. I don’t have children and never keep anyone waiting, ever. And have lost count of the number of times I’ve sat around waiting because little Flossie did something special and unique just as her mother was heading out of the door.

Was it maybe a bit to confirm the time this morning? I mean YWBU to leave but it does all sound a bit vague

Sorry, a bit late

It's rude being late YANBU. However you know she's always late so tell her to meet 45 mins earlier than you intend to, and if she happens to get there first she'll just have to wait for you for a change.

If you're aware of your friends habit of being late, would it not have been better to invite her over to yours? Especially if you're struggling with joint pain post partum! Then you could at least be comfortable at home while you're waiting!

Prior to mobile phones, people made a much greater effort to be on time.

Ain't that the truth.

She wasn't even 45 minutes late, she was 15, then said she'd be another half hour, then she would need to park and walk to the park. Unlikely she was going to get there at the 45minute mark, more like 60 minutes

I dont blame you, fine if her ADHD makes her late but your physical pain/time is just as important as her issues too and I would have also left.

It's funny how the people who "cant help" being chronically late suddenly start turning up on time when you say you wont wait longer than 20 mins and actually stick to it! After a couple of times of me leaving after 20 mins, all my late friends miraculously started turning up on time.

At the risk of inviting a pile on, but can't the friend use her mobile to set alarm(s)?

I get that having ADHD means that you're disorganised but she knows how her brain works and knows what workarounds work.

I don't pretend to know anything about ADHD so I would be grateful for any insights. OP mentioned that the friend was distang from her other baby having friends and I suspect the post may explain why.

I have (or should l say 'had') a friend like this. I tolerated it for far longer than l should have because l liked her, and otherwise she was a good friend, very kind and generous.
But every time l went to her house (I drive, she doesn't) she either wasn't ready, she'd be sitting putting a full face of makeup on (for a day in the house) or l'd get there and find l had a text saying 'Soz, fell asleep' or 'soz, running late' - it took me half an hour to drive to her. So why wait until five minutes before l arrived?
Very occasionally she'd be ready. Not usually, though. When l first started going, we'd agree on eleven o'clock. Over time this got pushed back and back until one day it ended up at quarter to two.
That was when l gave up. I see her very occasionally now, but l wasn't wasting my day off hanging around for her to faff about.
End of friendship. It's disrespectful, and basically them saying their time is more valuable than yours.

Definitely not being unreasonable and her response is also really rude. A time window suggests her time is more important then yours as well.

I wanted to quote though because you mention post partum pain - it's definitely worth seeing a female post birth trained physio you can get what's known as a "mummy mot" I hate the name but it's worth the money and they do a full assessment and give very targeted exercises

My friends from sixth form would do this every single time we met up. I’d be sat in a bar or pub for 30-45 mins before anybody else showed up. It was like meeting times didn’t matter.

I basically ghosted them and have never looked back to be honest. Sometimes I feel bad I didn’t give anybody an explanation as to why I didn’t stay in contact, but ultimately it was because I was sick of the constant laziness of not turning up on time.

"We agreed we'd meet at 11am, not 11am -ish. You were nearly an hour late. I don't hold this against you, I know that this can happen but equally, that doesn't mean that I can always wait. I can accept an apology for the lateness with no hard feelings, but it's harder to accept a response that seems to be blaming me, when I am the one who kept to the arrangements we made"

I like this, calm but clear.

Even without children I wouldn’t wait 45 min. Especially if they said they were only 15 min away knowing they weren’t. It’s incredibly rude because it shows they don’t value you or your time.