To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

We don’t have phones in bedrooms overnight here but the house rules in the house where your DC was sound a bit strict. These are 13 and 14 year olds? We call that a ‘sleep over”? Odd terminology for that age group. Is this post by a bot?

Christ. if they can’t approach the parent with an issue then they shouldn’t be sleeping over.

DD is 9yo and has a couple of friends the same age who have phones.

I don't care what parental controls their parents have implemented, while in my care they don't take the phones up into her bedroom. I'm not facilitating unobserved access to the internet/messaging/videoing/social media/photos and whatever else they've figured out how to do.

I would rather be seen as strict and judgy than risk having a group of kids bullying others via Snapchat while in my control, or taking inappropriate pictures/videos. I also want to be aware of what my kid is seeing online and that they're not being exposed to inappropriate content. The easiest way to do that is to keep phone usage to areas of the house where adults are present.

So at 2am you’d be happy for someone else’s child to come and wake you up so they can text their parent if for any reason they were wanted to go home? How many children do you think would also be confident enough to do that?

That's terrible. So you basically allowed children to have unfettered access to the internet?

Honestly there is a growing movement to try to reverse this utter dependency on smart phones in teenagers and I am absolutely here for it.

It’s not terrible at all. I do the same (also had a what feels like a million sleepovers).

Well I saw it as their parents allowing their children to have unfettered access to the internet.

TO be honest my main concern would be if he wanted to text to say come get me as he felt unsafe - he was denied that opportunity.

Other than that I don't have an issue with don't use it - maybe keep it somewhere he can get at it to message home if needed etc

its irresponsible.

It's terrible, whether you do it or not. What difference do you think that makes?!

Exactly this. Phones are not a panacea for all sleepover issues and before you let your child become someone else's responsibility you should make sure that they can cope with being away overnight, or at the very least what to do when they can't cope anymore and their phone is not available to them.

It’s not terrible. If their parents didn’t have a problem with it, neither do I. If something untoward was going to happen if could happen at any time, not just after bedtime!

Like I said, my kids put their phones on charge overnight.

You would believe incorrectly. And I would have a dead DD. Satisfied?

I'd be annoyed.

Your judgement and parenting were questioned by this woman.

I always felt less worried about my DCs on sleepovers when they had their phones with them.

What if your son had wanted to come home/ something wasn't quite right/ felt worried about a situation?

So not only did she take his phone she never even told him where she had put it?

Who does that?

you would be singing a very different tune if a video of your 13 year old daughter getting changed was posted on the internet, I’m quite sure.

Phones have cameras and internet she would have had no control of, they were not out or getting a bus so not relevant.
Children for decades have not been able to say goodnight on sleepovers independence is good for your desperation anxiety.....how did you manage his year 6 trip?
I'm sure if your child needed you they would have been allowed to call.

Exactly this.

Wouldn’t they have had that in their own homes or if using mobile data anyway?

It’s pretty simple to put an over 18 shield on your router so they can’t access porn.

Some people are seriously dense and hysterical!

But that could happen at any time? Not just at bed time! Like I said.

Yes, that would be my issue too.

They'd have to wake me up to get out of the house anyway. If they are not confident enough to engage with me they shouldn't come over. What do you think used to happen before mobiles?

Yeah but in this case it’s happened on your watch. When you had the power to stop it happening and didn’t.

Cameras and social media on sleepovers is an absolute recipe for disaster.

It's far more likely to happen in the privacy of a bedroom when children are getting changed than it is to happen on the school bus.