To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

@Sux2buthen she removed the phone from the bedroom. Her home her rules. If the teen was unhappy I am sure they were free to leave or contact the parents to collect them.

I would strongly encourage those who permit phones in bedrooms with under 15 year olds read their regional child protection agency websites. No parental nor router permissions are secure, I've watched my ten year old show me how to bypass them on my phone.

Thankfully my children's friends are all of a similar mind and those that aren't we don't permit sleep overs simple.

I always feel happier if my kids can text me when staying at a friends....but on the two occasions they have had to come home it's actually been the host parent that has called me.
On the other hand my kids have received bullying messages from sleepovers and I might be concerned what they were getting up to so I think taking the phones away is reasonable if she was responsible for them at that time.

This is staggeringly naive. Children’s brains aren’t fully developed - there’s a good reason for safeguarding.

Not all children make good choices of friends all the time. Not all children behave impeccably in a group.
I think it's reasonable to risk assess situations your child is in and not just assume you can trust everyone they are with to always behave well.

I know my own child. Nothing naive about our relationship. Very open and honest. It’s called good communication. Try it

🤣🤣🤣

Good comeback. I’ll reiterate, I know my own child, sorry that’s so hard for people to accept. And I know I keep my own children safe with my sanctions and also by respecting them

Thank you. Yes I do consider and risk assess situations.

Lots of people have made some incorrect assumptions about me and my parenting based on a comment I made about trust.

Maybe they’re projecting their own worries and feelings on to me

Apologies, I wasn't suggesting that you didn't risk assess.

I just thought that your comment being sad for people was a bit unnecessary as there are a lot of risks out there that even the best parent can't prevent.

No need to apologise.

I think it’s important to trust them or they’ll find it hard to develop into young adulthood. my two have never gave me any reason not to trust them

I agree there are lots of unpreventable risks and all we can do is educate them on those risks, put steps in place to protect them and keep communication open.

but I think so many parents are helicoptering their kids so much they are not even developing any common sense to make their own decisions

edited for typo

I wouldn't expect a 13 year old's parent to be having that conversation. It's one night and it sounds like they were already aware of the strictness re phones and chose to stay.

Dunno 🤷‍♀️ but I don’t recall it being a word we used after primary years.

Sleepover is quite American I think. We used to say “can so-and-so stay the night?” But it never had a name as such.

I miss the 90s.

We called it a sleepover in the '90's.

So did we - I never did many, as I disliked them, but they were always called sleepovers.

It’s “playdates” we didn’t have - it was someone coming round to play / for tea.

I couldn't get my knickers in a twist over this. It's one night, no harm was done and you're assuming she's judging you. It's probably a house rule they have so he needs to follow it!

@Rosestulips absolutely…. I wouldn’t want any of DD’s sleepover friends feeling unhappy in the night and unable to wake me. I’m not stopping them speaking to their parents but we all know what groups of kids can be like when they get together and phones inflame situations. If anyone at a sleepover in my house was upset and wanted to contact home they’d be given back their phone until the parent either helped calmed them down or collected them. If the former, the phone would be handed back before returning to the sleepover

OP, I think you make some really solid points about why your child having a phone is important to you, aswell as the benefits, tracking, ticketing etc. You sound very responsible and involved in your DC’s phone use.

I also think parents who can see or have experienced the darker side of pre-teens/teens having a phone is absolutely valid too. Unfortunately these situations happen frequently and the finger is usually pointed at the parent in charge at the time. I don’t think the Mum judges you or your son for the phone, I believe she wanted to minimise the potential of something happening whilst other kids were in her care.

For those who want to contact their children or vice versa, there is also the option of a Kidsnav. Regardless of whether it’s accepted or not, kids having phones is a contentious issue, which I do not imagine will vanish anytime soon. I believe it’s worth exploring avenues which appease both phone advocates and those against it for young ones. We ultimately all want to keep our kids safe.. that’s the common ground we all share here.

Just because one clearly disturbed child went to all that trouble doesn't mean the rest of them are savvy enough or have the inclination to deceive and to seek out inappropriate material.

It's not naive to say this. Surely you can agree that the majority of parents and children have relationships based on well-founded trust?

You know what, OP, I would tell your son to text her back with, "Who dis?", "Soz, wrong number".

And maybe immediately block her, because it's clearly "someone he doesn't know and he understands safe phone use".

You could tell the mother that DS got a new phone, and don't give his number to her.

She's a cheeky mare, expecting you to subsidise her communication with her child while not dealing with whatever anxiety she has allowed to gain control of her.

I agree, the woman is a CF. Double standards much

She has no right to be going through your son if she can’t be arsed to get her own child a phone

And that’s absolutely your prerogative to get her but do you not think you’d be over reacting a bit?

This thread brilliantly illustrates why so many teens and young adults ( not all, by any means) are woefully underprepared for life, lack resilience and are utterly self regarding.

I would never dream of taking a child’s property from them at any sleepover at my house. It’s utterly wrong. A real overstep and sign of questionable character. Someone to be wary of going forward.

I wouldn’t send him there again and I would make sure the mum knew why.

I would love to think this is a parody but sadly not probably.