To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

If you don't want your child to abide by the house rules, don't send them to that house.

Same, if you don't like my rules then your kid doesn't come over. I will absolutely have a no phones in the bedroom rule when my child is old enough for this to be an issue.

Did she “confiscate” it or did she say “right boys, time for your phones to be put away now, go and pop them on the hall table”? If your ds had wanted to text you would he have had to do anything more than go and get it or ask his pal? Was it locked away? Hidden? Put under the mothers pillow? Did he ask for it and not be able to get it back? Was there a landline he could have used in an emergency?

You could tell me what you liked. You don't sound like the sort I would want them staying with anyway as I wouldn't trust you.

I paid for my child to have a phone so that I could be in contact with them when they were away from me. It was particularly necessary for my DD because of serious mental health issues which could necessitate contact and potentially pickup at any time.

You clearly wouldn't care about that though so they wouldn't be going to you.

She had the boys hand over the phones and DS doesn't know what she did with them. They got them back the next morning when it was time to go. I honestly wouldn't challenge her about it, I do accept it's her rule. We were just feeling surprised and judged and wanted a reality check with other mums.

So she didn't even return them in the morning?

You are allowed to do that. I would also have been allowed to explain the very valid reasons why my DD was to have her phone. She spent years in MH therapy for serious issues which almost killed her so I needed to be in regular contact.

Anyone who didn't like that would not be suitable for looking after my child.

I’m amazed it didn’t occur to her to let you know that was what she’d be doing. What if you’d asked him to ring at some point?
I guess the type of person that’s that strict is also likely to have an unusual approach to communicating with other parents.
Anyway, at least you both know what to expect if he goes there again.

No they got up, got dressed, had breakfast, and then got them as they were getting ready to go.

Well, it wouldn't be ok with me especially as nowadays the parents of kids don't really know each other and it's quite a distant relationship.

I would definitely want my child to have a means to contact.

I always used to remove phones from DC's friends on sleepovers. Only had 1 child who wanted to go home in the middle of the night (her parents warned me it might happen) I called the parents, they came to collect her.

This isn’t about her house rules, it’s about her not communicating something unexpected in advance.

Totally agree with this!

The bigger picture here is how ready and comfortable you and your child are with letting him sleep out of the home. It is perfectly normal and common for households to have a no phone overnight policy. But you and your child's reaction to it are perhaps less common.

If your son was really uncomfortable when asked to give up his phone, he could have said no. But he didn't. So either he was actually ok with it but thought it was a bit weird and this has now been made a bigger deal than it actually was. Or he did something he was deeply uncomfortable with and didn't say no or make any attempt to contact you to tell you at the time, which is actually more concerning.

To those saying that a child must have a phone in case they need to get in touch- what happens when they lose their phone, it runs out of battery, gets hidden etc. should you send them with a back up phone?? No you should either not let your child go to sleepovers or you should prepare your child for curve-balls in life.

Did you let the parents know you’d be doing this, in advance?

Good for her. Did it really matter? How do you think people managed at Sleepovers before phones.

What a lovely attitude to be passing on to your child. That they will avail of someone's kindness and hospitality but will ignore the rules and customs of that home.

Exactly. If that had been my DD with her MH issues and I was suddenly unable to contact her because of some other parent's inflexible rule then I would have had to turn up at their house to check she was OK and hadn't gone wandering off not caring what happened to her.

It isn't always as black and white as some people seem to think. Of course I wanted my DD to have a social life, but because of her very real issues I couldn't just allow her to be uncontactable.

I’d expect a parent of a child that has any type of health need to discuss any potential issue and adjustments I may need to make during a sleep over.

If you’re not sensible enough to do this and would rather stamp your feet like Rumplestiltskin, then it would be on you that your child missed out on a nice sleep over with their friend.

The thing is, I don't think he needed the phone and it wasn't distressing for him to be without it. If there had been some kind of problem or emergency he could have dealt with it without his phone. But her taking them was just surprising and in my view unnecessary. I was really curious to hear other people's thoughts on this and I am surprised but glad to learn. I think with older kids this was less of an issue, people are more nervous about these things now, probably rightfully so.

It was probably different then and it's changed now.

I wouldn't be letting my kids stay over if I didn't have a means of contacting them or me.

I would have assumed you might have mentioned this to the adults who were going to be responsible for her care.

I feel like there should have been a little warning first or maybe a message sent to you saying that they didn't have phones after a certain time (or whatever) but in case of emergency, here's the number to call.

Other than that though, I think that sounds really healthy. She doesn't know your son like you do and probably doesn't vet all her sons friends and their parents for app restrictions and stuff.

I know I'd be cross if my child went for a sleepover and spent the whole night watching inappropriate videos on TikTok that she wouldn't normally have access to and that's likely how this mum feels.

I don't think what she did sounds wrong or bad but perhaps the execution wasn't ideal.

YANBU. If this had happened to my child I’d not be happy.

If my daughter was uncomfortable or wanted to come home for any reason she would text me discreetly. Other parent has crossed the line here.

I trust my daughter doesn’t use her phone inappropriately

How do you know that there wasn't a way for the child to communicate with his mum. He was told no phones overnight. He wasn't locked in a padded cell. I would also assume that you would ask for the phone number of the adult who was going to be responsible for your child's care before you let them sleepover.