To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

Honestly sounds like you need to step away from the thread.

This.

One of mine had asthma and anxiety around it even though they always carried an inhaler. We always checked in.

But that is moot point - what are you not understanding? It could happen at any time so why the big deal about it being bedtime?

When my kids had sleepovers they usually got into their pjs earlier on and watched a movie/had treats.

Ok here’s another scenario. Your daughter falls asleep first and her pals film her. They draw on her face or whatever, film themselves humiliating her when she can’t respond and doesn’t know it’s going on.

this isn’t going to happen in the playground or on the school bus.

you sound naive.

Whilst I agree to a certain extent, she’d need to approach the parent at some point to say she’s leaving surely?

On a separate point, how did people cope before smart phones were invented?

I think the mum made a smart choice to say no to phones and tbh that’s her prerogative.

I'm with those who say her rules but she should have said it beforehand. I've recently written a digital policy for a children's sports club and this is one of the safeguarding rules - no phones overnight. Phones are a minefield if you start to think of the what ifs so easier to say none overnight.

If there were issues with your son's phone use at her house overnight, you might not be too happy with her so she's covering everyone. Those who are saying their child needs their phone overnight, what did we all do growing up when there were no phones? I was only allowed to trusted homes and if I needed my parents I had use of the house phone. My ds has no phone (12) and I just give a call to the mum if he's at a friend's. No problems, plenty of independence.

But they’d be in the bedroom as soon as they got home in a lot of cases! That’s what my kids did.

before mobiles I once stayed at a friends house and felt very unsafe. I would have liked to have been able to get hold of my parents. I laid awake all night and walked home as soon as it was light. I wouldn’t want my child feeling like that.

It’s overstepping the mark, assuming that you had given the parents of guests your phone number, I’d be calling you myself to say I’m bringing my child home if this happened

So a nervous/ sick child who wants to go home in the wee small hours has to get up and find his or her way to the table in the hall to make the call? Perhaps in the dark? Perhaps there's a dog they have to walk past?

If a child of mine called home to say goodnight and mentioned the phone was going to be placed in a basket away from him or her, I'd ask to speak to the parent making this unreasonable request.

I’m not naive at all. Maybe my kids have decent friends. Not once have any of my kids’ friends behaved in such a way. I have 3 - one adult, one nearly adult and one 14 year old.

Agree.

Her house. Her rules.

The point is that sleepovers give so many more opportunities for nonsense that might not otherwise happen on a normal school day. Hours and hours of pretty much unsupervised time together.

You shouldn’t have made an assumption that he would be allowed a phone overnight in another kids bedroom. There is also the third kid in the mix. You are not his parent and you have no idea what restrictions are on his phone. You do not know if his mother is fine with him sleeping in a room in one kids house with a third kid having a phone. The mother hasn’t got a clue what either boy has on their phones and doesn’t gaf if they need them to catch a bus. You should have asked the question if you wanted to know the answer, but you know next time that other parents do things differently sometimes and you won’t be caught out again.

She should have given you a heads up, even if it was at the point of bedtime she should have told him to text you goodnight and let you know that his phone would be downstairs (or wherever) and not with him. He should have known where it was and how to get it if he needed. It is very possible that you or the third boys parents could have text or called their boys and not getting an answer might have worried them. She should have told you, or got the boys to tell you.

You basically both think that your way of doing things is so normal and accepted that it doesn’t even warrant a mention. It didn’t occur to you to say “Geoff always has his phone with him in his room overnight, we think that’s important. Is that ok?” And it didn’t occur to her to say “We have a no phones overnight in bedrooms rule so Wayne usually hands his over about 10 so we’ll take Geoff’s too if that’s ok.”

All this handwringing of “confiscating private property” is daft.

In conclusion you are both slightly unreasonable but it’s basically a non event, and neither of you are as unreasonable as many other people so it’s a win.

If this happened, like a previous poster I’d be approaching the parent myself to say I’m collecting my child as something has come up.

She sounds like a really sensible parent. I'm amazed how many people are horrified at their child not having a phone over night - honestly some people on here are nuts. Can people really not cope with their child not being able to contact them at any point in the middle of the night? If the child can't tell the parent if they have a major problem, or get their friend to tell their parent that they have a major problem then they're probably better off not going to sleepovers.

Jesus mobile phones didn't even exist when I was a kid so I never took one to a sleep over - can you even imagine! Parents who never knew a time before mobile phones are just insane! Not least because mobile phones are a million times more likely to cause problems for young teens than they are to solve them. Just crazy.

She hasn't overstepped though. When your child goes to someone's house they are effectively in loco parentis. You are handing over rule and boundary setting to another adult. Similarly to when they are at school. Presumably you'd have no issue with a no phones et school rule, or the confiscation of phones in certain circumstances. This is no different.

And no child needs a phone while staying overnight at a friend's house. And there are many many reasons why allowing phones in bedrooms during a sleepover in particular is a really bad idea as outlined by PPs. Whether or not there are app controls on the phone, it will still have a camera. And the parent is not only protecting your child but her own which she has every right to do in her own home.

I really can't believe that anyone is objecting to this. The world's gone completely mad thinking that everyone has to be permanently attached to a smartphone regardless of risk/potential harms.

I mean what is this? How does your child learn any coping skills in this scenario??

I will not step away from the thread just because you are uncomfortable with some of the very valid points I (and a few others) have made.

You can if you wish, but I will be remaining. You do not police me and I don't need your advice.

She'd have to be drugged for that to happen without waking her, surely?

And surely your own child has been brought up to behave better and would put a stop to the mischief?

There's plenty of humiliation that goes on in broad daylight, in the playground, the school bus, the classroom, PE class, etc.

None of them need a phone over night. If he was upset etc he could have just told the mum. That’s her role as the parent in charge.

She was always going to give it back. So what if it’s his personal property. She might well have had to take his clothes to wash or looked after something of value. Don’t be weird because it’s a phone.

Maybe so but I just cannot fathom knowing anyone who would do such things. This has been the theme throughout all of my kids’ sleepovers over the years. There may be more opportunity but that doesn’t mean the opportunity would be taken.

Why unsupervised?

I do tell parents my no phone policy out of courtesy but I will say it again. It is YOUR responsibility to tell the people who are looking after YOUR child what their needs are boundaries are. If you send your child to their home without doing this then their rules are absolutely fair.

It would totally defeat the object if your kid has a phone, the others would want to use it.

It's like if there's a kid who's not allowed sweets, their mates shouldn't bring them and eat them in front of them, inevitably they'd share them.

You say he needs it for the bus, his hobby etc. but not while playing with his pals then going to bed?

He could have used the landline or the mums phone to say goodnight to you, I'm sure.