To be annoyed this mum took DS's phone

[burtonplanet]

DS(13) slept over at friend's house, along with one other boy. After dinner, the mum took DS's and the other boy's phones. The friend is not allowed a phone, and the mum didn't want anyone on phones during the sleepover. We have strict controls and app limits on DS's phone, such that he wouldn't have been able to do anything on it after 9 pm anyway except text or call home. We tightly monitor everything he does on there and know the dangers of teens having phones, but we feel like we're on top of it. We live in the centre of a small city and he walks and takes the bus everywhere. We like to be in touch with him and see where he is on FindMy, and he also needs an app to get the bus, and a few apps for his hobby. He messages with friends a bit but isn't really on social media. AIBU to think this mum was out of order? I know it's her house her rules, and on the one hand it's not a big deal because DS wouldn't really have used it anyway, except to probably text us goodnight and say if he was having a good time. But it just feels really judgy and unnecessary. This is not the only mum I know who is very anti smartphone and it just feels a little over the top. Just because a kid has a phone doesn't mean he's going to be on it all hours looking at porn and bullying people on social media. Sometimes they are just useful tools. Because this friend (who is 14!) is not allowed a phone, he is not allowed to walk anywhere on his own and lacks a lot of the independence we feel like it's important for DS to have. We don't want to be helicopter parents! Tell me if I'm BU.

Her house her rules. And incidentally- while I think it's fine for kids to have phones-mine had them much younger that the Mumsnet norm, I do have a real problem with tracking kids.

Yabu. How was this mum to know that the other parents would have tight controls? For all she knew if phones were allowed in the bedroom they could have been up all night showing her child all manner of completely inappropriate and damaging things on the internet.
Sadly there are far too many parents who have little or no controls on when and how their children use phones. Sure there are plenty of parents like you, me and the sleepover mum who are on top of it, but also plenty who aren’t.

I think she overstepped. My child, my rules. I appreciate her right to make rules for her house, but they need to be clear before the sleepover. Then people can make the appropriate decision with their child.

Having to go and say is awful. It just is not good enough for me.

I wouldn't like it. She can have whatever rules she likes in her house but not communicating beforehand wasn't OK imo.

So he can't use the camera on the phone? How do you manage to block that?

What makes you think that I was not sensible enough to discuss things?

I've come seriously close to losing my DD before and that leaves its mark on you. Anyone who would not have been willing to let her have her phone would not have been trusted by me to take care of her. How do you think I knew who those people were? It isn't hard to understand.

The end.

I always let parents know this rule and let their kids know when they arrive. But at 13 I would fully expect my child to message me to let me know that their phone was getting put away for the night. When I get the kids to put their phones in the box on the hall table, I also ask them if anyone wants to call home to say goodnight and make sure they know where the phones are if they need them.

Do think this should have been said before the boys slept over so they were aware and had the choice as to go or not.

Honestly think if this was my child they would have phoned me to come home if they were asked to hand their mobile over! I know for a fact they wouldn’t be agreeing to a sleepover again!

At 13???

Uh Her House Her Rules.

yes? Mine is 14.

I must have hosted a million sleepovers for my older kids and it never would have occurred to me to ask for their phones. My kids have their rules, and if the other kids are on TikTok all hours I didn't feel like that was my business. Is that crazy? I figured, it was one night, and if we had a real problem with the kid's behaviour we wouldn't have them back. I am just a bit more hesitant to impose rules on other people's kids.

I’d be peed off if someone took my daughters phone.

i like to know that I can contact her and vice versa, she has Asperger’s and I’ve collected her early when an issue has come up. And no, I don’t expect her to approach the parent.

it seems like a lot of you do not trust what your child is getting up to on their phones to be honest

Didn't even enter my head to tell them.
They knew where their children were, they knew my address and 'phone number, I knew all of their's'.

Yes, but it tends to scare people off until they know DD, which the sensible ones soon did.

Definitely her house her rules but she was BU for not communicating that beforehand.

I must be the worst parent ever because I’ve never taken my kids’ phones off them overnight. They usually put it on charge at sleep time.

I also don’t understand (apart from if they were on them when they should be asleep) what could happen after 9 o’clock (or whenever) that couldn’t happen before then.

I agree, my daughter and I agree a discreet way she is to contact me if she’s not happy for any reason. Not having her phone would take that assurance away

The taking of his wallet or jewellery is such a flawed analogy. His wallet or jewellery has no potential to damage her son, so she’d have no cause to do that. However a smartphone (potentially with no parental controls installed) could absolutely cause harm so she has good reason to say no phones overnight.

Your ranty reply is what makes me believe you wouldn’t be sensible enough to have a conversation-completely inventing that I would take no account of a childs health needs.

I take away phones at sleepovers but also tell parents no phones in bedrooms is my rule. I would give a child back their phone to contact a parent though

Smart phones should be banned for under 16s. I really wish this wasn’t even a debate. Your average 13 year old isn’t equipped to handle unfettered access to the internet (I know your child’s access is restricted OP but I strongly suspect that this is not the case most of the time).

By all means give them an old Nokia if you need to contact them 24/7 but no 13 year old needs a smartphone.

Best to keep him in Your House, in that case. Your rules don't apply when he's under someone else's roof.

I didn't want my DD having to approach the parents either. She would have been far too emotional and unable to cope.

The parents were usually aware that she did have issues, but I wouldn't have wanted her to be forced to discuss them with them. She'd have been more likely to have just gone walking and turned up anywhere when things were at their worst for her.

Never mind though, on here we are currently talking with people who have no experience of these things but who know absolutely how it should all be dealt with.

I attended a school's phone safety session recently. They advised exactly what this parent did. The reports of inappropriate photos being taken and shared are astronomical.

She did you a favour. I would advise anyone sending their child the rule is no phones in bedrooms end of. Too many innocent bad decisions ending up on the internet for eternity.